1980s-flashback party culminates in abortion clinic arson

Police have linked a pair of small fires believed to have been intentionally set Sunday at a Eureka abortion clinic to a group of local revelers wistfully celebrating a bygone era.

“It’s all so quaint, so thoroughly 1980s” said Debbe Hartridge, education director for Six Rivers Planned Parenthood, as she surveyed the minor damage caused by the fires.

“They had the bible verses taped to the door and everything. If we find out they wore Members Only jackets and made their getaway in a Pontiac Fiero, I might just go ahead and piss myself laughing,” she said.

Police announced Monday that the suspected culprits likely belong to Yesterday Once More, an underground organization whose weekly parties feature historically accurate reenactments of different decades in American pop culture.

One member of the group, who spoke with the Humboldt Mirror on condition of anonymity, said he was “disappointed” police were calling YOM’s event Sunday a hate crime.

“This has nothing to do with ideology. It’s really about rich period detail,” he said. “For example, we used actual ethylated gasoline siphoned from the tank of a junked Yugo as an accelerant, and shouted ‘Viva Sandinista’ as we lit the match,” he said. “That, and we were totally coked out of our minds and listening to Wham! on cassette.”

Next week, at the group’s1990s party, members plan to smoke in restaurants, and then have random, unprotected sex to commemorate the short-lived but oddly satisfying belief that only homosexuals can get AIDS.

5 Responses

  1. I will look for party-goers dressed in flannel shirts, and/or boy band attire.

    -boy

  2. If elected to represent the heathens of the Third District, I will work hard to make sure that all abortion clinics are protected by sustainable forestry and affordable housing.

  3. You’ll never feel the wonderful feeling of Woolley’s well-worn and handsome butt-sculpted chair Mark Lovelace! My No Trail Left Behind platform is sure to win the hearts and minds of all habitual marijuana smokers.

  4. Totally awesome, dude!!

  5. I want to know what verse they used? “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment that you pronounce you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get…”

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