Fifth District Indian casino kicks down major wampum to Clendenen’s Second District campaign

The Blue Lake Casino, patron rancheria of Bonnie Neely’s most recent re-election campaign, gave a sack full of bingo money to Clif Clendenen, the candidate Neely chose to replace her Board of Supervisors sparring partner Second District incumbent Roger Rodoni. In a news release issued the day before the most recent round of campaign contributions [...]

Ruh-roh, Mofo

The usually genial and endearing Carson Park Mofo is hosting a major bitch-fight over at the Eureka Standard. There’s hair-pulling, eye-scratching, dozens of impressively insulting words (many of which we can’t even pronounce!) and a sprinkling of deleted comments. It. Is. On. We’ll recap them there fightin’ words in order of appearance: “doddering“ “agist (sic) [...]

Palco names Winnie the Pooh to run reorganized company

In a blatant and successful attempt at upstaging its largest creditor group, the bankrupt Pacific Lumber Company announced Wednesday that it has appointed lovable Winnie the Pooh to run the company as it transitions from bankruptcy protection. Earlier in the day, representatives of the timber note holders, who are owed a gazillion dollars by the [...]

At this point, we would definitely consider a name change

The aura of weird surrounding the David Gundersen rape case veered toward bizarre last week when the Times-Standard identified Margaret Gundersen as the driver of a vehicle that ran over and severely injured a 16-year-old McKinleyville High School student who was reportedly lying in a dark roadway near the school. Those whose memories were not [...]

Lethargic bugs decide to skip whole blogging thing

Sorry, friends. We’re still too creatively corked from eating all those Easter Eggs. Any known remedies? (And please don’t suggest anything involving a sharp stick. We already tried that.)

Lethargic Christ decides to skip whole rising-from-dead thing this year

Citing “a righteous case of burnout,” Jesus Christ announced late Saturday that he will not rise from the dead Sunday as expected. “This Easter business is the same thing every year. Resurrection, transformation, ascension, blah blah blah. I’m totally over it,” He said, stifling a yawn. “If someone else wants to rule and reign for [...]

Health Impact Assessment demonstrates Health Impact Assessment proponents are unhealthy

As expected, a grant-funded Health Impact Assessment presented Thursday to the Planning Commission demonstrates that the most restrictive development option before the commission is by far the healthiest choice for Humboldt County. The HIA, presented by Public Health Officer Dr. Ann Lindsay, shows that Alternative A, which would allow only minimal urban infill—a maximum of [...]

Gallegos issues ruling on cause of Christ’s death

Just in time for the Easter holidays, Humboldt County District Attorney Paul Gallegos announced Friday his long-awaited decision to file a string of charges against the Golgotha police officers accused of killing Jesus Christ more than 2,000 years ago today. Christ, 33, a former carpenter and resident of Galilee, was beaten, paraded through town and [...]

In political slut-fest, Humboldt County disappoints

As elected officials elsewhere occupied national headlines with lurid tales of sexual indiscretion, one analyst called Humboldt County’s meager contributions to the genre of interesting sex scandals “another troubling indicator of the region’s backwater status.” Renowned sex guru Susie Sexpert said she was initially buoyed by news in February of the arrest of Blue Lake [...]

Gallegos hires Mandrake the Magician to erase memories of alleged rape victims’ names

Humboldt County District Attorney Paul Gallegos has hired a magician to disappear from the public’s memory the names he illegally disclosed to the public of two women who accused Blue Lake Police Chief David Gundersen of raping them. Gallegos revealed the names when he placed in files available to the public a series of confidential [...]

Supervisor McNeely celebrates St. Pat’s Day with festive hat, Irish flag and authentic bird craps

Need we say more?

Clendenen issues new press release about nothing

Fortuna apple grower and candidate for the Second District seat on the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors Clif Clendenen issued a press release late Saturday stating that he is in fact still alive and continues to have deeply felt if somewhat inarticulate positions on issues of profound importance to county residents. “What happened was we [...]

A friendly memo to the graphics department of the Humboldt Mirror

Dear Design Friends, Thank you for your prompt response to our recent request for new masthead photos for the Humboldt Mirror. Unfortunately, we cannot put your amusing and obviously inebriated voicemail on the blog for our readers to see, as it is a sound recording and not a photograph as was requested. Certainly your message [...]

Ken Miller calls for wipees, fresh underpants, as completely normal guy enters Third District race

Far-left string-puller and perennial sore loser Ken Miller deposited a massive load of stink in his chinos Wednesday upon learning that mainstream Democrat Bryan Plumley would challenge enviro-fascist Mark Lovelace for the Third District seat on the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors. “All of Mark’s supporters should be shit-their-pants scared of Plumley,” said MIller, who [...]

Clendenen campaign manager calls ventriloquism act ‘political theater’

Fortuna ventriloquist Bill Thorington, the somewhat stilted voice behind sideman Clif Clendenen, called managing the apple grower’s campaign for the Second District seat on the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors the “biggest challenge” of his professional career. “Talk about a dummy,” Thorington said, shaking Clendenen’s head. “I’ve worked with sock puppets that knew more about [...]