A friendly memo to the graphics department of the Humboldt Mirror

Dear Design Friends,

Thank you for your prompt response to our recent request for new masthead photos for the Humboldt Mirror. Unfortunately, we cannot put your amusing and obviously inebriated voicemail on the blog for our readers to see, as it is a sound recording and not a photograph as was requested.

Certainly your message was visually descriptive, so much so that we are left to wonder whether marijuana might be in general use among the design staff, or if there is another explanation for your spotty attendance and uneven performance, not to mention the extraordinary amount of traffic the Mirror receives each day from a hydroponics shop in Redway. (Free ad space, happy chiefers! No need to thank us. You earned it!!)

We’ve heard it before—everyone in the media smokes dank. Okay. We get it. But the hardworking reporters at the Times-Standard manage to set down the blunts long enough to put out a newspaper every morning, with time left over to visit the Mirror a couple dozen times a day.

And what are they looking for? Is it our trademark satire? Our rapier wit? Don’t be silly. Like everyone, they want fresh photos of Bonnie Neely in new and increasingly disparaging contexts.

Meanwhile, over at the Eureka Reporter, veteran journalo Nathan Rushton is writing several stories a day—and still finding time to reach “Super Shit Master” level of the addictive Catch-a-Poo game we linked to yesterday.

How do we know this? Are we psychic? We are not. The enterprising Mr. Rushton sent us a screen shot of his accomplishment (89 out of 100 poos, in case you’re curious), probably while blazing a fatty in the news room.

The point is, friends, productivity. This is key. We would like to get just one fucking dime bag of production out of you in the course of an eight-hour day. Is this too much to ask? We think not.

We need new artwork, and we need it yesterday. Supervisor Neely isn’t going to humiliate herself. She’s—what?? Oh that  Supervisor Neely.

Never mind.

We’re good.

Very Truly Yours,

The Humboldt Mirror Senior Management Team

24 Responses

  1. Well, if anyone knows crap, it’s the staff at the Reporter, although I gotta admit, Nathan is a class act and a great guy. Too bad he works for the modern equivalent of the Dollar Store of Journalism.

  2. You ain’t shit till the Pentagon has visited you. I’ve also had hits from Congress. God knows why they wanted information on Jake Pickering though.

  3. Many aspire! Few attain.

    But (*blushing*) MOUSE!!

    Welcome to our humble abode.

  4. 89 out of 100 poos? Amateur

  5. You forgot “And even more ban”

  6. Are you sayin’ you take photo submissions? I heard Tad had a camera in chambers… hmmmm……

  7. I dunno Rose.

    If Tad was operating a camera, it might compromise his ability to use the finger for other purposes.

    Angst eternal

    dog

  8. Fleas be with you bug…
    Or is it Fleas BE you? Are fleas considered to BE bugs?

    Anywhoo….I hope you know that your blog is a refuge, an oasis….don’t let the paucity (for now) of posts deter you from making a home here in the humco blogosphere….

    the traffic will increase as the word gets out…

    Oh, and Carol…Yo-YO????? you hurt my feelings, girlfriend, it’s Yo…I dont tend to waffle on my stances so, no yo-yoing for me…

  9. Many aspire! Few attain.

    But (*blushing*) MOUSE!!

    Welcome to our humble abode.

    Yeah you should be blushing. Blushing from embarassment because you know such a loser miscreant troll like anon r mous.

  10. ahh, now Rob, THAT’S certainly not conducive to our new found spirit of debate without personal invective and animosity, now is it?

    btw, have the supreme’s aka (the fucking supreme court of the united states of america come around to your way of thinking yet vis a vis the whole protest thingy?)

  11. Neely is now Kneely as in short legged right? Okay. I know. If you have to EXPLAIN the joke…….
    Get those Graphics guys on the job, would ya’? That clown is giving me the creeps.

  12. me too, Jen…

    But…I kinda like it…

  13. Hi Jen and Yo. We wouldn’t worry about Robash. Most people either get in the spirit or give up when they figure out no one here is going to fight with them.

    Has anyone seen boy or Newsflash! around? They haven’t stopped by for a few days and, well, we miss them.

    If you happen to see them around the blogosphere, tell them we said hi.

    Blog friends forever!!

  14. Thanks a lot Humbug. And I guess, technically, you didn’t post the screen shot I sent you. That is what I get for trying to brag about being a “Super Shit Master.”

    By the way, my new record is 150. Take that B.M.!

  15. My old friend robash141! Haven’t heard from him for the longest time!

  16. …Writers’ strike over, but Mirror writers still hungover for a few days after…”We’re back,” says a senior writer, “We’re still a little drunk, but we’re back.” Rather than a larger wage and benefit package, Mirror writers settled for more unpaid time off, no drug testing, and no cap on poo jokes. “Besides, we think our package is large enough without augmentation. We understand once in a while they need to be tweaked, but we really don’t want the bug touching our packages on a regular basis.”

    CEO Humbug agreed, “The less I have to handle staff packages, the better.”

    One of the few items that remains to be settled is the inclusion of a new “Asshole of the Month” section of the site…CEO Bug maintains there are so many assholes in Humboldt County the Mirror will become inundated with nominations…

  17. It’s battle of the Security National poo catchers!! Awesome!

    Not so awesome, though, are our Carol’s hurt feelings. Enjoy your break from the debate, sincere friend. We hope to see you laughing again in no time.

  18. Newsflash!!!! Welcome back, friend. We missed you and your unenhanced package hugely!!

  19. I tried to get a job at Heraldo’s but I was told “Vee are very serious here, can you be serious? Vee give you the story, and you write it, yes? You stray from the story, Commandant Heraldo may have to make an unpleasant visit – you understand? Do I need to be more clear? Think Mike Wilson and the Lemon. I think you understand. It is for the best. It is for the party.” As soon as I was through Checkpoint Charlie I hauled ass over here to get my old job back. Thanks.

  20. It’s battle of the Security National poo catchers!!

    Is that like the Battle of the Network Stars? That is funny. I have to agree, we do not make it to this blog so we can fight. We leave that kind of horse play for the more serious blogs.

    As soon as I was through Checkpoint Charlie I hauled ass over here to get my old job back.

    I hope that Flash will get is old job at the same pay.

    -boy

  21. HEY BOY!!! Did you go to WordPress? Cause now that your blog is sleeping with the fishes, it’s kind of…well….not moving.
    Keep us updated. Some of us MAY have done a quick search for you. And some of us MAY be missing you.

    Not me of course.
    *whistling*

  22. I’m curious what is better about wordpress – seems to me you can’t upload as much info in the sidebars…

  23. HEY BOY!!! Did you go to WordPress?

    I have had to postpone my move to WordPress. My computer is not Mas Macho anymore. Anyway, I am back at Blogspot for now. Thanks for asking.

    -boy

  24. Leapin Lizards – just tried the catch a poo game and found out I need a new mouse. Does the Bug have any idea why I can’t find out who the top scorers are?

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