Clendenen issues new press release about nothing

Fortuna apple grower and candidate for the Second District seat on the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors Clif Clendenen issued a press release late Saturday stating that he is in fact still alive and continues to have deeply felt if somewhat inarticulate positions on issues of profound importance to county residents.

“What happened was we got together and cut some bits and pieces from Clif’s previous 50 press releases, pasted them back together in no particular order and then faxed and e-mailed the resulting jumble of pleasant but vacuous thoughts to around 700 people who all promptly threw it in the trash where it belongs,” said Clendenen media adviser David Jervis.

“It had something to do with reaching out, tapping resources and offering solutions,” Jervis said. “Fuck if I know, really. The guy’s a complete stick and we just keep issuing this shit because whenever we put him in front of a live audience we totally regret it.”

Jervis added that he didn’t think even Clendenen read the press statements.

“But he keeps them all in a leather binder that occupies a prominent position on his mantel. He’s extremely proud of the fact that (Fourth District Supervisor) Bonnie Neely picked him, out of all the inoffensive tools in Humboldt County, to attempt to settle her political scores with Roger Rodoni.”

The latest release expressed unequivocal support for solving problems, working together and doing something to disguise the vaguely psychotic look Clendenen always has on his face.

The candidate cares deeply about both puppies and orphans, and has proposed a bold plan to end homelessness by finding homes for people who don’t have them, according to the press release.

He is firmly pro-democracy, anti-genocide, and believes there ought to be laws against most of the things there are laws against.

For additional information about his campaign, or to pick up one of his popular campaign bumper stickers (“Not Roger and Not Gay”), phone his campaign hotline at 445-7715.

14 Responses

  1. Oh good. So someone else noticed that Charles Manson look on his face. Kinda creepy.

  2. It is FUNNY – I noticed the proliferation of press releases, too – I asked Eric Kirk how many press releases this guy sent out a day… didn’t get an answer. Cliff woke up this morning, Cliff put on his socks, Cliff drove into town today… free mentions in the paper on a daily basis, sure stretches the ad budget.

  3. Christ with a handbag I love the Mirror.

  4. I still wanna know where my cider is?

  5. Break out the hard stuff, Clif!! Drunken orgies are way more popular than puppies and orphans.

  6. He is firmly pro-democracy, anti-genocide, and believes there ought to be laws against most of the things there are laws against.

    My Gawd! This man is a Prodigy! A natural born Bureaucrat, and he wants to represent his district!

    -boy

  7. boy:

    You gotta be kidding —- in case you weren’t being ironic: Talking to or listening to Clif is very much like watching paint dry, or looking at a box of rocks or watching a cow scratch itself on a fence post. Do everyone a favor and look up the word Prodigy in the dictionary. Please.

  8. Urgent press release—HOLD the Presses Cliff, in an early morning tete’-a-tete’ only farted. “I repeat he did not shit. He only farted”, said his female companion. Stay tuned for answeres to the burning question. How much did he pay? Film at 6

  9. You gotta be kidding

    If I have to spell it out. Y-E-S, I w-a-s k-i-d-d-i-n-g.

    Geez Birdie, I thought we agreed we were not going to whip out the Schwartz rings and fight here. If you insist on being so serious, might I suggest you return to Heraldo’s blog. Man, what a complete Buzzkill.

    -boy

  10. Another Cliff press release.” I did not shit.” ” I did not pay for it” Inquiring minds ask,payed for what? If ER reporter Nathan R. can only get an interview with the elusive Cliff we hope to answere a few burning questions like what face does Cliff make while pinching off one?

  11. boymostlikely2

    so defensive. all the time.
    temper, temper.
    where is all this pent up anger coming from honey?

  12. I am not defensive, I am just surprised (kind of tickled) that somebody thought for a second that my first comment on this thread was a serious affirmation of the candidate.

    Must be a person who missed out on Wonkavision stock before it exploded due to the rise of this blog!

    Defensive all the time? What, you read my blog? Wait! Never admit that publicly.

    -boy

  13. Hey bug – Dressing our fav gal pal in irish green is a slam on all good irishmen and women. Put her in red.

    What’s the little birdie doing?

    BTW – Bonnie, quit locking your door when you read the Mirror. We all know what’s going on BECAUSE YOUR DOOR ALMOST EXPLODES WHEN YOU ARE SCREAMING about what our little bug has posted.

    LMAOROTFADNPM!

  14. Hey Bug!

    Did you catch last week in the paper (T-S)when Clendendon was speaking with the Seniors. He was telling them that he was going to help revive re-development in the county. Well, Bonnie is sure getting her money’s worth with him. Not one original bone in his body. What is he running for? I guess for Bonnie. He sure hasn’t pointed out what the incumbent has or is doing wrong nor the other opponent.

    And since redevelopment is DOA per the 2nd district and the 3rd districts, why run on that? Oh yeah, Bonnie wants it revived so she needed to fund someone to oust the incumbent.

    Hey Cliff – did you even know that your own district went thumbs down on redevelopment?

    Do you even know that the issue was shot dead last year?

    Why the hell are you running at all?

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