Gallegos hires Mandrake the Magician to erase memories of alleged rape victims’ names

Humboldt County District Attorney Paul Gallegos has hired a magician to disappear from the public’s memory the names he illegally disclosed to the public of two women who accused Blue Lake Police Chief David Gundersen of raping them.

Gallegos revealed the names when he placed in files available to the public a series of confidential documents identifying the alleged victims by name.

“I hired this guy, Mandrake the Magician, during the 2006 campaign, and he really helped voters forget what a knob I’d been in the previous four years,” Gallegos said Tuesday.

“So after I threw all those confidential documents into Gundersen’s file and the newspaper called me on it, I thought—hey, a little magic could come in handy here as well.”

Gundersen’s wife, a Blue Lake police sergeant, and his ex-wife, who works at the Sheriff’s sub-station in McKinleyville, both reported to authorities that they were drugged and raped by Gundersen, who remains in custody awaiting trial.

Among the documents Gallegos released was a formal request for confidentiality submitted by one of the alleged victims.

Mandrake, who boasts among his other tricks the “illusion of competence” he created to help Gallegos pull the last election out of a rabbit’s ass, said his “magic” is actually a high-tech application based on space-time continuum gaps discovered during research on time machines.

“Basically I can take any finite moment—of stupidity, duplicity, infidelity, you name it—and cause the human psyche to sort of skip over it like it never occurred,” he said.

But his powers of illusion have limitations.

“’Finite moment’ is the key phrase here. For example, I can’t just wave a wand and get Paul’s original hairline or integrity back,” he said. “For that I’d have to eliminate more than a decade of human history, which would take us back to the dark ages of DOS-based operating systems and cell phones the size of toasters.”

Mandrake said he enjoys working for the DA but is also available for bar mitzvahs and children’s birthday parties.

For additional information, phone 268-2571.

28 Responses

  1. Is the little devil guy Kirk Girard?

  2. None other, friend. Isn’t he cute?

  3. Cute as a bug.

  4. So, what kind of bug are you? A louse?

  5. Not to take away from your critique of the DA. He is rather humbling. Awesome, really.

  6. Easy, friend. You must be one of those snapping turtles. Ouch!!

  7. Still drunk. My dear bonnie I am so sorry that I missed buggering your dear arce. I was plow’n away in green beer lust when you spoke to me and alas that ass I was tapping said,”It’s Mr. DA mister,and don’t you call me bonnie lass again”. What to do? What could I do? I slapped that ass and screamed Yes Sir, MR. DA. Just another day of Irish politics.

  8. ““Basically I can take any finite moment—of stupidity, duplicity, infidelity, you name it—and cause the human psyche to sort of skip over it like it never occurred,” he said.”

    Does this motherfucker Mandrake work for the Bush Administration? He sure as shit sounds like any other piece of shit Republican who won’t take responsibility for the past seven years of complete and toal fuck-upedness.

    And hey, does this blog come with those cool font features like the cool mainstream blogs do? Or is this joint run by the local Democratic Central Commitee, where “cool” means listening to Jimi Hendrix on 8-Trak?

  9. No fancy font features, friend. We don’t even know what those are!! But do a little ‘splaining and we’ll see if we can’t hook up the shiz.

    And, ahem, 5:27. You don’t drink because you’re Irish. You’re Irish because you drink.

  10. Right on my brutha. Fancy font features are the smooth transformations a cat can make to the font while droppin’ a comment on the public.

    Shit like italics Funky Cold Medina and other funky cold fresh shit, like bold, and seein’ as tho it’s baseball season … strikeout

    Got any of those slick production features, or is this joint nuttin more than a playahata’s paradise?

    Makes me think the Ohio Players would get no love up in heah …. the way you walk, and talk really sets me off ….

  11. Why, gee willickers, I do believe you do have it going on.

  12. Better not show Rose this post mirror, she’ll surely drop’em quicker than Spitzer’s whore

  13. It’s DOS. Not “dos.” You are funny Bug, but something of a retard when it comes computer programing language.

  14. We’re huge fucktards!! It was probably caused by Mandrake the Magician’s forcefield of forgetfulness! Fixing it now….

  15. That’s so nerdilicious it makes me all teary-eyed for those days in the 80’s when we all stored our data by carving out symbols on stone tablets.

    Thou shall not commit to any other code but mine.

    Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s Mac

    Thou shall not … whatever … I got nuttin .. iss’sup to y’uns from here on in.

  16. “For that I’d have to eliminate more than a decade of human history, which would take us back to the dark ages of DOS-based operating systems and cell phones the size of toasters.”

    You bring back memories. I could never get good reception on my old phone, mostly because I had it on the Bagel setting.

    -boy

  17. I like Girard in the red devil suit. Don’t you think that maybe Ms. Neely would look lovely in prison stripes? You know, she could be in an orange jumper or in a nice little black and white stripe number.

    Bon-Bon, your past is catching up to you!

  18. love this site!

  19. Sorry to say I am now sober. Can you give Mandrakes number?Quick. I’ve got a pimple, dowm there and it’s got green stuff coming out. Damn you Mr. DA. The curse of the Irish.

  20. You’re over-sharing, Irish! Stop!!

  21. You are right as usual dear bug. We do suffer from an affliction to share and share and…. oh,me. The Irish Dr. Phil.

  22. Yeah Irish, cut that out, and go over to the T-S site and hammer the idiots responding to that dumbass letter printed in today’s paper. It’s waaaay fun, I absolutely fucking love stupid white people, I mean, really, really love them.

  23. Links, blue, links….

  24. My apologies Rose … here we go …

    http://www.times-standard.com/letters/ci_8622530

  25. Welcome friendly Tiger!! And you tell ‘em, Blue. Rrrrroooooowwwrrrr!!!

  26. I cannot believe that man is still in office. *shakes head*

  27. shakes head = “gestures hypnotically”

  28. Ahhh, thanks, Blue!

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