In political slut-fest, Humboldt County disappoints

As elected officials elsewhere occupied national headlines with lurid tales of sexual indiscretion, one analyst called Humboldt County’s meager contributions to the genre of interesting sex scandals “another troubling indicator of the region’s backwater status.”

Renowned sex guru Susie Sexpert said she was initially buoyed by news in February of the arrest of Blue Lake Police Chief David Gundersen on a dozen charges of spousal rape, but said her enthusiasm waned when she saw a photograph of him.

“Gundersen gets bonus points for that business with the guns and drugs, but extremely low marks for erotic content. It’s simply impossible to imagine any sexual encounter he might be involved in as anything other than gross and a little pathetic,” she said. “Seriously. Would you hit that?”

Meanwhile, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer shagged his way to greatness with a high-priced call-girl, and the day after Spitzer resigned, replacement Governor David Paterson and his wife both bragged to reporters that they had repeatedly cheated on each other.

Former New Jersey Governor “Skeevy” Jim McGreevey put Trenton on the map with his announcement that he had banged anything that didn’t run away from him.

More recently, Detroit Mayor Kwame “The Salami” Kilpatrick represented the Great Lakes region by spending thousands of tax dollars on an affair with his female chief of staff, while closer to home San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom proudly boned his campaign manager’s wife, and Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa nailed con mucho gusto an attractive television reporter.

“What we’re seeing is that world-class cities produce world-class sex scandals,” Sexpert said. “You guys aren’t even close.”

She cited “shitty weather, poor personal hygiene, low wages, limited shopping venues and an absence of Jamba Juice outlets” as factors contributing to the county’s low incidence of sexual intrigue.

Non-redundant broadband and the Richardson’s Grove bottleneck on Highway 101 could also play a role.

“Local politicians are just cut off from people hot enough to fuck up their lives over. When the cable goes down, civic leaders can’t even cruise juveniles on the internet,” she said. “It’s sad.”

25 Responses

  1. Damn. Another missed opportunity to put the county on the political map.

  2. Hey I think someone got a photo of the mistaken DA buggering.

  3. WHAT??! Buggering? Don’t tease us like that….

  4. Never thought about it this way! Oh GEEZ!

  5. Great. One more item to add to the list of things Humboldt County sucks at.

  6. You forgot the Karrigan blow job.

  7. Where’s Marion Barry when we need him? He could do the Training Conference Circuit. Then he could pay a visit here, to a place behind the curve. Then, local leaders will start showing up in dive motels with a hooker and a vile of crack.

    -boy

    “The Bitch set me up!” – Marion Barry

  8. Maybe Humboldt County just keeps it quieter. Have heard there has been a lot going on but no one is talking.

  9. Come on folks. With the way the County is fucking everyone, do we really need more?

  10. Good point, pole.

  11. Like another Gods brain child,bonnies little Kirk lingers lovingly around her head. Question is who’s spunk didn’t she spit out? The best part of(?) ran out her ear. Pitch fork in hand.

  12. oh, nice.

  13. And here I thought typing out the word motherfucker was crossing a big, triple-striped-double-yellow-white-median-line.

    Nasty is still nasty.

  14. What I hate about that photo is Girard almost looks sort of cute and harmless, not sinister and incompetent.

  15. Whoa, pok’er. We think you might be drunker than we are, and that’s practically impossible. Go easy on the Bon Bon and the Kirky G. Without them, this blog wouldn’t exist.

  16. Disclaimer” I have always used protection with the Bon Bon. The brain child is not mine.” “I love her in 25000 ways”.

  17. Riddle: Spitzer shelled out $80,000 for sex with a 24 year old prostitute. O’Reilly shelled out $10,000,00 to the gal he sexual harrassed and he didn’t get any sex. Who is the bigger idiot?

  18. you Auntie!

  19. Full disclosure: We have deleted a number of comments from this thread for reasons ranging from the full-blown libelous to comments about the insertion of various items into the orifices of various elected officials. For those concerned about objectivity, our deletions, like our satire, crossed party lines.

    We don’t care about profanity, we don’t care about obscenity and we don’t care about the criticism of elected officials. Fair game, all of it. But we have to draw some sort of line at rape fantasies and slander involving named individuals. Not much of a line, we understand, but please try to stay on this side of it. Thanks.

  20. It’s ok to miss spell “kerrigan” and say karrigan blow job but we can’t speak of the fuckfest at [deleted]? I don’t think you guys are all that moderate.

  21. Frank, Serpico, 9mm, whomever you are today: In fact, you are demonstrably the same person who misspelled Kerrigan above while making an indirect reference to a blow job. It was not an unusually offensive reference. We are not troubled by blow jobs. In fact we find ourselves hoping that Chris and you for that matter get plenty of them, and even give them should that be your preference–consenting adults and that sort of thing. Your next comment, however, was deleted, because you made an allegation of sexual misconduct against an entire local police department. The decision to remove that comment and to edit the one above was not political but selfish. We do not wish to find ourselves in court for providing a forum for libel. Feel free to continue taking that chance on your own blog, but we ask, politely, that you not do it on ours. Unsubstantiated accusations of sexual misconduct will be deleted or edited on this blog every time we see them, whether the alleged perpetrator is a liberal city councilman or a conservative police force. But misspellings, even yours, are always welcome.

  22. Is this more shit from that cop who got fired for repeatedly falsifying his time to collect bogus overtime at taxpayer expense, and now he’s trying to smear the chief who called him on it? I heard he started a blog. He probably hangs out on yours because no one reads his. You’d think he’d have enough sense to just take his lumps and move on.

  23. Correction: Make that more shit from the FORMER cop.

  24. Thank you for not naming him, or we’d probably have to delete that too. You friends are making us work today!! If only Jesus had risen, none of this shit would be happening. You should all change URLs and read some nice porn or something soothing like that to settle your nerves. Group hug!!

  25. If the dipshit paid attention he’d know that you also deleted a post about the position of an automatic rifle in relation to the private places of a certain left-of-center elected official. (Is that vague enough, bug?) Anyways, the point is that unlike some bloggers they don’t delete comments just because they don’t agree with them. Not to mention any names or anything.

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