Gallegos issues ruling on cause of Christ’s death

Just in time for the Easter holidays, Humboldt County District Attorney Paul Gallegos announced Friday his long-awaited decision to file a string of charges against the Golgotha police officers accused of killing Jesus Christ more than 2,000 years ago today.

Christ, 33, a former carpenter and resident of Galilee, was beaten, paraded through town and hanged from a cross after claiming to be God.

“This truly is a Good Friday,” Gallegos said in a written statement. “It’s a day for closure, for healing, and for reminding the men and women in law enforcement that there is nothing I won’t do to get revenge for their sweeping endorsement of Worth Dikeman in the last election.”

The charges against the officers have been sealed by court order, but Gallegos said he hopes to proceed to arraignment the next time he does something dumb and needs to divert attention away from his abysmal job performance and plummeting poll numbers.

“Could be any minute,” he said.

When asked why it took so long for him to make a charging decision, Gallegos cited an incomplete autopsy report, a missing body, all the half-days he’s been working while coaching his daughter’s soccer team and the seven full weeks of vacation he’s taken already this year.

“Also,” he said, “I had to wait while my final report on the case was run through that term paper website all the school teachers use now so we could be sure I hadn’t plagiarized anything important.”

The DA said he became interested in the cold case while watching a “Forensic Files” rerun on late-night TV.

In other law enforcement news, the California Department of Justice issued a statistical report showing that crime and stupidity have both risen sharply during Gallegos’ tenure, while convictions and accountability have declined.

Gallegos said he would respond to the report as soon as Ken Miller came up with something intelligent for him to say.

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13 Responses

  1. I thought he watched “Golden Girls” in that time slot.

  2. I interviewed Chief Pilate about this kerfuffle, and he said this, “Once again we are forced to dance to the tune of a man who takes the side of the criminals. Where is his blue light? When will the focus return to law and order and not this crazy notion of political correctness? I support my officers and believe that they acted within the bounds of their authority. This is a tragic situation for everyone, and we hope it will be the last.”

  3. as 2nd,no I mean the 3rd comming DA nows best. Could he be the father of Bon Bon’s little brain devil? He surly does not work with out protection. Double duty,one hand for lov-make’n one hand for assult weapon. That’ll keep those pesky cheifs quess’n!

  4. The Chief continued that thirty three year old Jesus almost didn’t have a trial. “Why bother? Like all the other long haired homeless creeps, he’s guilty of some crime. If only he had resisted arrest, we would have done him like the other guy.”

  5. This is do f’ing funny, I damn near…….?

  6. UPDATE — BREAKING NEWS ….

    Sheriff’s Deputies, along with investigators from the DA’s office were spotted searching a rocky area in the Galilean heights outside of Cutten, where it is believed radical supporters of Mr. Christ are hiding out. Investigators were keeping whatever they discovered close to the vest, but lead investigator and Praetorian guard member Mikeius Hilsopius did offer this.
    “We received an anonymous tip and we acted on it. We’re not ready to release any details because this is an ongoing investigation. We have identified a person of interest, however. We’d like to speak with Joe Judas, who we believe has information germane to this case.”
    Investigators searched caves and outcroppings just north of Golgotha road outside of Cutten for more than three hours this morning, and there is some indication they will be back in the area late this afternoon.

  7. LOX NEWS ALERT…..
    It’s been reported that radical supporters of Jesus Christ, the subject of an investigation by the Humboldt County District Attorney’s office, will be arrested and arraigned for possible grave robbing.
    However, even the District Attorney admitted today that it will be difficult to get a conviction without a body.
    “If we do, it will be a miracle” said Gallegos.
    In the meantime, several of Jesus’ supporters were accidentally shot when a rock was thrown and broke a clay jar.

  8. Was that grave robbing or raping. In either case, there is no body anyway.

  9. The birds are back. I sure hope the CAO’s office has installed those non-tipoverable chairs.

  10. And Jesus said as he was lifted up and away,” I will be a good boy father” BUT,”Can I please play with the little birde”

  11. no supporters of christ could be found…….a crusade against muslims must have been underway…..

  12. Bunny Neely and Roger ‘Rabbit’ Rodoni Loose Ears – Insides Found Hollow

  13. Too bad we don’t have a chocolate Easter Bonnie!!

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