Lethargic Christ decides to skip whole rising-from-dead thing this year

Citing “a righteous case of burnout,” Jesus Christ announced late Saturday that he will not rise from the dead Sunday as expected.

“This Easter business is the same thing every year. Resurrection, transformation, ascension, blah blah blah. I’m totally over it,” He said, stifling a yawn. “If someone else wants to rule and reign for a while, I say have at it.”

When asked if the world might plunge into darkness and chaos as a result of His decision, the Savior said He wasn’t sure.

“Beats Me. It could go either way. In the last millennium I’ve actually stepped back a bit from the day-to-day functioning of the universe. Hell, both Notre Dame and Gonzaga got knocked out of the playoffs this weekend, and I basically just sat there.”

So how will the Lord Thy God spend Christianity’s holiest day?

“I’m thinking I’ll sleep in, grab some brunch and then hit the Open Grave in Trinidad for a couple Marys with My friends. Maybe after that I’ll go home and try to beat Nathan Rushton‘s Catch-a-Poo score.”

But the Lamb of God said there’s one thing He’ll miss.

“Really the only good thing about ascending into the heavens to be with God every year is that on the way up I can see where all the Easter eggs are hidden,” He said, but then shrugged. “Like I don’t already know.”

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28 Responses

  1. Breaking

    I doubt even Christ could beat my score of 152 on Catch-a-Poo. That is MEGAHYPEREXTRASHITMASTER. Rushton is a chump.

  2. plan B: get oversized rabbit to pass out colored eggs and lots of candy. no one will know the difference…

  3. Mmmm candy. Bugs love candy.

    And 152??! You are godlike!!

  4. I’m going to hell for laughing at this.

  5. The Christ is going to piss off Pope What’s His Name. The one with the natty shoes.

  6. Don’t count ol’ JC out just yet, the day is still young. Plenty of daylight left for a resurrection.

  7. What a dump!

  8. okokokok

    I’m back.

    Just for the moment though.

    I have been pretty well occupied with warming the globe in my off hours. Get a few converts that way. But, turning water into wine requires a lot of new planets.

    Oh…and I haven’t been in the flesh for about 2000 years. Any volunteers?

  9. any good, patriotic american should volunteer. come one, come all, jesus wants you on your knees….

    …….after the holy water is dispensed, he will ask that your kids fight in his crusade against the evil muslims.

    the son of god is one demanding dude…..

  10. No just asking.

    Not a big deal really.

    This planet was my master’s thesis in the Celestial School of Art.

    I kind of lost interest in it after you all started to take the theatrics more than the fundamentals so damn seriously. Do you have any idea how long it took to invent dirt?

    Oh yeah Theo, you already know about that.

    Oh and one more thing Theo… The holy water is a really nice merlot and dad invented the Muslims too. Just like you.

    We just wanted some lively conversation. Didn’t get it but Thanks anyway.

    OK that’s it for now. I’ll be back to talk to the Theothermal grandkids.

    Gotta new fish to invent.

    Later dude

  11. Pretty funny, but I think Heraldo topped you this Easter with the “He has Risen” switchplate.

  12. jesus,
    i hope that your holy water isn’t red. maybe he/she was sucking too hard. id suggest seeing a doctor.

    the son of god should have a decent health plan. he is a freakin socialist for god’s sake…….

  13. Heralda’s clip art funnier than this? She wishes. But it’s nice to see her going for cute and innocuous rather than her usual pompous and dishonest.

  14. Or blatantly manipulative, et cetera.

  15. Jesus, please give me a cigarette.

  16. while on my knee’s praying for a new pair of pink ears my door bell rank. At my door was a 2nd comming to be sure. With a glow about his head and real words that made sence flowing from his smiling visage, I was reasured and charmed by my visitor. As I waved good bye I whispered “God Bless You, Paul” as the 3rd dst.hopefull lightened the heart of my next door neighbor. I went back inside, had a shot of brandy,smoked a cig,and got back down on my knees.Where was I ? Oh yes,pink ears.

  17. jesus wasnt asking you to pray.

    he wanted you on your knees for another reason….

  18. Not me the o. It’s you he wants for the other reason. See he knows whats really in your heart and what you do in secret. Besides I bite!

  19. that would explain the red holy water…

  20. Jesus Christ, please give me a damn cigarette!

  21. You friends are more irreverent than we are!! So excellent.

  22. you see red holy water? always new you were a pink-o

  23. Oh look. Bon Bon’s going through that awkward phase between Easter and the NCAA finals. It’s never an attractive time.

  24. The teeth? Really? Ya had to go all out wit da teefs?

    Damn … I wonder what Jesus would say.

  25. 161!!!

  26. I can’t touch 161. No way. It’s just too much poo flying at once. That ER reporter must have a lot of practice.

    As far as the teef? I think she looks cute. And almost harmless.

  27. Humboldt Politics 101. The pinker the ears the better to hear you with. The bigger the teeth the red’r the holy water.

  28. But at least Bunny Neely has the right idea with supporting the Cardinals. It’s a good start.

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