Citing “a righteous case of burnout,” Jesus Christ announced late Saturday that he will not rise from the dead Sunday as expected.
“This Easter business is the same thing every year. Resurrection, transformation, ascension, blah blah blah. I’m totally over it,” He said, stifling a yawn. “If someone else wants to rule and reign for a while, I say have at it.”
When asked if the world might plunge into darkness and chaos as a result of His decision, the Savior said He wasn’t sure.
“Beats Me. It could go either way. In the last millennium I’ve actually stepped back a bit from the day-to-day functioning of the universe. Hell, both Notre Dame and Gonzaga got knocked out of the playoffs this weekend, and I basically just sat there.”
So how will the Lord Thy God spend Christianity’s holiest day?
“I’m thinking I’ll sleep in, grab some brunch and then hit the Open Grave in Trinidad for a couple Marys with My friends. Maybe after that I’ll go home and try to beat Nathan Rushton‘s Catch-a-Poo score.”
But the Lamb of God said there’s one thing He’ll miss.
“Really the only good thing about ascending into the heavens to be with God every year is that on the way up I can see where all the Easter eggs are hidden,” He said, but then shrugged. “Like I don’t already know.”
Filed under: Humboldt County Tagged: | blah blah blah, Bonnie Neely to fill in, darkness and chaos, Jesus is just alright, King of Kings but not yet Super Shit Master, righteous case of burnout, too bored to eat Peeps