Governor could appoint own penis to fill Second District slot

Okay we totally made that up, but it’s somewhat more plausible than the fuck-witted scare tactics being trotted out on another local blog.

Please, already. Shut up and trust the voters. Isn’t that what Democrats are supposed to do?

Bugs give themselves fat pay raises

In a 2 – 0 vote, the Humboldt Mirror bugs voted Wednesday to give themselves gazillion percent pay increases.

The move came on the heels of a unanimous decision Tuesday by the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors to grant large pay raises to some of the highest paid people in the county.

“It’s true that we basically just sit around and suck all day, but nothing can compare with the combined suckage of, say, Kirk Girard, Paul Gallegos and Wendy Chaitin, who were just given an extra 10 Gs each per year,” the Humbug said.

“Unlike those fumbledicks, we haven’t wasted millions of taxpayer dollars on failed redevelopment plans or politically motivated litigation. That kind of incompetence costs money, and lots of it. It’s only fair that they receive a larger share of the money they’ve been primarily responsible for wasting.”

Ironically, supervisors approved the raises shortly before Chaitin’s interim county counsel performance review, during which she was given impressively low marks on virtually every aspect of her job.

One insider said Chaitin took such a beating during the evaluation that the supes had to actually take the huge stacks of extra money sitting around and fashion makeshift bandages out of the bills to staunch the flow of blood.

The pay raises are scheduled to take effect June 29, just in time for the bugs’ annual Fourth of July PBR kegger.

Shit happens–elsewhere

After a long string of controversial police shootings in Humboldt County, little Del Norte County has one of its own.

A 27-year-old Brookings, Oregon, man, who led sheriff’s deputies on a vehicle chase, was shot and killed by a deputy nine days ago on the Hiouchi Bridge.

The investigation has revealed thus far that Eric Jones, whose father said suffered from Bipolar Disorder, did not have a weapon–other than the pitbull he allegedly sicced on deputies.

The dog was also shot.

As the investigation continues, it seems that even the weather to our north is suffering from the negative publicity.

As of Sunday morning, according to this chart, relative “humility” was higher than 90 percent.

Blind item

Which shotgun-wielding failed harbor commission candidate is actively working to subvert the will of Second District voters while campaigning for Clif Clendenen?

Could it be the one handing out Clendenen for Supervisor fliers and instructing Rodoni supporters to write in Johanna’s name on the ballot?

It’s worth noting that we have not endorsed, and will not endorse, any candidate for any position. We believe county voters are smart enough to look at the facts, weigh the issues, and make their own informed decisions.

But we think it’s downright undemocratic to intentionally mislead voters about how to elect the candidate of their choice. Tactics such as these typify the unethical, win-at-all-costs approach that has so marred politics in Humboldt County.

Second District voters wanting to see Johanna Rodoni continue to occupy the seat vacated when her husband was killed in a car accident four weeks ago should mark the oval next to Roger Rodoni’s name and should not write in the name of any other candidate.

Don’t be fooled. A write-in vote for Johanna is a vote against her possible continued appointment to serve in Roger’s stead—no matter what some people tell you.

World’s largest oyster found by world’s biggest dork

A Eureka man who set out to break one world record may in fact have broken several.

The Times-Standard reports that after two years of searching, Richard Mesce, a retired Navy pilot, found a potentially record-breaking 13-inch oyster near the Samoa Bridge.

The previous record holder was a 12-inch oyster plucked from Chesapeake Bay.

While Guinness World Record judges mull Mesce’s find, they are also considering whether he has set new records for having the world’s most boring hobby and the world’s most indulgent wife.

It remains to be see whether the oyster has the world’s worst case of dioxin poisoning.

Eureka Standard mildly amusing today so Humboldt Mirror doesn’t have to be

Who can blog in weather like this?

Let that Carson Park Mofo do the heavy lifting today.

Hugs!

Gundersen got way more action than previously believed

Former Blue Lake Police Chief David Gundersen was charged Monday with 14 additional counts of spousal rape, bringing to 24 the total number of rape charges against him.

According to documents filed by Humboldt County District Attorney Paul Gallegos, Gundersen has officially, albeit illegally, gotten laid twice as often as anyone we know.

We’d be jealous if it weren’t so, you know, gross.

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