A brief note to new fathers

Imagine how excited you would be if the Super Bowl were played by two teams of naked supermodels. Throw in free chicken wings and all the beer you can drink, and that’s the sort of Mothers Day celebration your wife is expecting tomorrow.

Sure, on Fathers Day you’ll still be expected to mow the lawn. But it would be a mistake to think that Mothers Day and Fathers Day have anything in common, other than both being Days.

Has anyone ever told you Fathers Day is sacred? Probably not. Are there commercials on TV about buying fathers diamonds on their day? There are not. We get underpants and drill bits, while she gets chocolate-covered strawberries dropped into her mouth by a staff of Greek masseuses.

You’d think our wives gave birth to the Christ child instead of those sullen creatures who break into our beer fund at least once a week to snake money for condoms and violent video games.

But we digress.

As a service to new fathers, we’ve compiled a list of things NOT to get your wives for Mothers Day.

  • Flowers from the gas station
  • Flowers fromĀ  your neighbors yard
  • Flowers that didn’t cost at least $25
  • Any gift that doesn’t include flowers
  • A PBR suitcase
  • A recliner
  • A six-foot sub sandwich
  • His and hers beer helmets
  • A Maglite multi-pack
  • A large screen TV
  • Anything bearing the likeness of Cindy Crawford
  • A mini-fridge for the living room
  • Her own fishing license
  • A Costco-sized bottle of Tylenol

Happy Mothers Day, friends.

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14 Responses

  1. Thank you for such a thoughtful post! I’ll send Greg over so he will know not to get me the PBR suitcase or the his and her beer helmets. We did just get recliners (my first) and love them!
    :)

  2. I may not speak for all but I think many of us wouldn’t mind the football/cheerleader/PBR party on Mother’s Day — as long as it was at someone ELSE’S house, we didn’t have to prepare for it OR clean up after it and we were left to our own devices with a good book and a box of wine for the day.

  3. I already have a recliner, but a large screen TV would be great. Indy is coming up and then there’s the rest of the NASCAR season and it would be great for Monday night football.

    Not all Mom’s want candy and flowers but for those that do, Dad’s give them the good stuff at least.

    Hope all the other Moms have a happy Mothers Day!

  4. To continue the what-not-to-get list:

    * a new vacuum cleaner
    * an electric toothbrush
    * a blender
    * alcohol (of any kind)

    … all of these things are eventually for the guy, not the girl.

    What TO get?

    * perfume (expensive)
    * jewelry (expensive)
    * clothing (expensive)
    * art (expensive)
    * meal (expensive)

    … and something recognizing her interests. Mine likes woodworking so a good finishing sander or miter box is a big hit.

  5. Thanks for the laugh, Bugs. PBR? If they still sell it for less than ten bucks a six-pack I may have to try it again.

    Good ideas for the wife on Mother’s Day, but if you can’t afford any of these ideas for Mom, try a hug. Or at least a phone call.

    On to Father’s Day!

  6. The best gift for mom is the intangible….the girls are taking her for a hike, while the boys fix dinner and drink beer. By the way I love PBR. I use it in place of paint stripper and weed killer. I don’t believe you are supposed to drink the stuff.

    PS. Don’t forget the tags.

  7. I disagree Hayduke, PBR is good for human consumption and can be a suitable substitute for a disinfectant for many first aid situations. The shelf life is good and the packaging is slightly more attractive than most hydrogen peroxide products.

    Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there!

  8. I like to keep my gift quick and easy: Twig and Berries.

  9. By the way I love PBR. I use it in place of paint stripper and weed killer. I bet it would work well as snail bait, too. Pour a little PBR in an empty tuna can. Voila! Soon you will have a can full of floating slugs and snails.

  10. Yeah at least one of us tried Lodgepole’s idea. Not all that successful. In fact, there was actual laughter.

  11. “Looks like it’s me and you again tonight, Rosie…”

  12. Love the Jackson Brown lyric, Pole.

    So Mom’s day for this family was pretty cool. Roses, big assed chocolate cake and a daughter’s artwork. Whoops, the Lakers were playing.

    Mom hauled the old carpet to the dump.

    I cooked the enchiladas. We’re happy to have each other and the freaking Lakers lost.

    Could’a been worse, could’a been better.

    Took a shower.

    Just another good day.

  13. Mom hauled the old carpet to the dump.

    Good for mom! It must have been in bad shape.

  14. Lodgepole and Dog:

    I knew the man well who wrote that tune and also know who Rosie is!

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