World’s largest oyster found by world’s biggest dork

A Eureka man who set out to break one world record may in fact have broken several.

The Times-Standard reports that after two years of searching, Richard Mesce, a retired Navy pilot, found a potentially record-breaking 13-inch oyster near the Samoa Bridge.

The previous record holder was a 12-inch oyster plucked from Chesapeake Bay.

While Guinness World Record judges mull Mesce’s find, they are also considering whether he has set new records for having the world’s most boring hobby and the world’s most indulgent wife.

It remains to be see whether the oyster has the world’s worst case of dioxin poisoning.

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39 Responses

  1. Poor Sap probably a thought he was going to get three wishes. First wish might have been “Can you (the oyster) make yourself 14 inches?”

    -boy

  2. Maybe the Oyster would have been better off donated to the Food Bank instead of the University!

  3. If that really is Richard Mesce, we might just piddle ourselves. Such awesomeness!! Welcome, new friend, to the world’s lamest blog.

  4. A perfect day for a frivolous thread.

    “The oyster’s a confusing suitor;
    It’s masc., and fem., and even neuter.
    But whether husband, pal or wife
    It leads a painless sort of life.
    I’d like to be an oyster, say,
    In August, June, July or May.”

    Ogden Nash, 1931

    Not his best perhaps, but worth a thought for a moment, or two.

  5. And by the way, just when did oyster season open?

  6. Only eat oysters in months that have the letter ‘r’.

  7. My thoughts exactly, just what is this guy doing out on the bay in May?

  8. The news story said there’s no open season for sport harvesting of oysters (as there is with clams) and the guy had to get a permit from the oyster company to look for oysters. Didn’t know that. How weird.

  9. Well, I was a clam digger in my childhood on Cape Cod. Sure it is a different coast with different oceanic conditions than Humboldt County: Cape Cod has the warm waters of the Gulf Stream and Humboldt has the cold Alaskan currents. On Cape Cod we would only harvest oysters in the winter along with hard shell clams called quahogs and bay scallops were harvested in the fall. During summertime we would dig in the sand/mud flats at low tide for soft shell clams, also called steamers. I have only gone shellfishing in Humboldt County for mussels during low tide near Capetown and that was during the winter. Certain natural conditions such as increased algae blooms, commonly known as red tide, are times when shellfish should not be harvested. So a general rule of thumb is to avoid shellfish in the months with ‘r’ in them.

    However,this fellow does not plan to eat the large oyster.

  10. If he doesn’t plan to eat it, I guess that makes him just a lowly trophy hunter. He can expect prompt condemnation from the NC Journal, Arcata Eye, KHSU and their joint editors in chief, Heraldo, Markey Poo and the infamous Bon Bon.

  11. Isn’t he keeping it alive? It’s supposed to live out its golden years in the Trinidad marine lab or something. We’re down with that.

  12. it’s an oyster. who cares. certainly not the oyster, it’s even dumber than your average Humboldt voter.

  13. Live out it’s life in a tank. How cruel and inhumane. I think we need some new property taxes to pay for much needed sensitivity training. Further, I totally disagree with the disparaging remark about the intelligence of oysters, they are clearly smarter than third district voters.

  14. How can you be inhumane to a creature that is not human? I mean, if you came across me poking the lifeless body of Dick Cheney … well, I repeat myself, and then whacking it like a Lovelace supporter washing clothes on a Mad River rock, you’d think me odd, but certainly not inhumane.

    What’s the over-under on the Dioxin level?

  15. Maybe there is a pearl inside that giant oyster.

  16. Please remove the black hat from Kirk Girard’s head…

    If you meant to offend supporters of Roger – you have.

    If you did NOT mean to offend (our hope) depict Kirk Girard some other way- please.

  17. We agree, no black hats for any of the evil doers.

  18. instead, black panties?

  19. Sorry Buggers, there’s no intentional offense meant by the black hat atop Girard-Devil. It was supposed to imply Girard’s stealing of Roger’s mojo while continuing to feed The Bonnie with sweet nothings.

    Out of respect to the supporters, as well as to Roger, the Graphics Dept. has produced some less objectionable variations that are on deck and ready to go. Please cut us some slack, we are coming off of a two-week vacation and are a little rusty.

    We promise some great things ahead that nun of you will want to miss.

  20. It doesn’t look like Girard can fill that hat well anyway.

  21. Back to work, lazy graphics staff!! No blogging during business hours.

  22. Thank you and hope you had a great vacation!

  23. How can he claim a record at 13 inches when the ruler he is holding up to the bivalve clearly shows it’s only 12 inches?

  24. Like DAH!-This oyster is the European genus/species/subspecies Hughmungus thyroditis wangus so out of respect and correct protocol it’s always measured in metric length. This whopper wangus holds 15 years of Bay’s mojo ,and if only it could flap it’s gills and give us it’s clammy history of bisexual encounters over the years. Oh what a diatomically/gametophytically empowering story to hear.
    Measure the wangus,photo the wangus, and return the whopper wangus to it’s “hidden” spot for future capture and measuring.It’ll only get bigger and better and break records every time.

  25. Crawford, you gotta know by now, when it comes to inches white guys always exaggerate!

  26. I thought Eric Kirk was the world’s biggest dork, choad, and fucktard.

  27. Don’t be usin’ my name in vein!

  28. Hey, I know that guy!

    The oyster, not that dork.

  29. I just received an oyster from a sailing friend at the marina that is going to be eaten tonight. It measured 13″. Is that a new record?

  30. Bonnie Neely,

    This is to place you on notice, that if you don’t retract the “Largest Dork” indignity from this website, I plan to summons to superior court to show cause.

  31. Richard;
    Myself, & my whole family have known you since our childhood from the 60′s in our hometown of Nutley, NJ.
    Even though my siblings & I have gone on to stations of renown in our own separate worlds, (most notably, big sis, Martha-Kostyra-Stewart) none of us have ever known you to be a “DORK”, or for that matter… the “world’s biggest dork”, as of this doc posted May 17, 2008.
    You visited our home; ate at our table; shared in our stories & dreams; tutored at the feet of our marvelous teacher-parents, who taught us that “the world is our oyster”; & like us, went on to fill your world with note-worthy adventures & accomplishments, such as possibly finding the worlds largest oyster — during your down time ~ which most of us call Vacation or Sports Recreation. Well done, my old friend!!!
    Our Love,
    Frank Kostyra

  32. Richard Mesce, my cousin, happens to be a very smart and kind person. Anyone, who would make fun of him, or his discovery of the “world’s largest oyster”, should look at themselves and ask, what have I done in life to compare to this? Probably nothing. Richard is not, nor ever will be a dork. And, the so called journalist, who wrote this stupid article, doesn’t know about pure journalism. It’s all about facts, not opinions. You go Richard, you are the best, and you are in the world’s book of records….where is the journalist?? Unknown and unprofessional.

  33. “World’s Most Dense Relative” defends “World’s Biggest Dork” on “World’s Best Satire Blog.” Hey Michele, Frank and Richard: Lighten up. You East Coast uppity types really don’t belong here hanging out with laid-back, funny West Coast folk. You’re waayyy too uptight.

  34. Dense is more than likely the composition of brain. Get a life, discover something and wish you had friends like us, poor thing, you don’ even have the balls to give your name. Maybe, you are ashamed of yourself, you should be!!

  35. You’d be uptight too if you were getting shot at by one of you’re own drug goons down on the bay. That’s the real funney part.

  36. Hey Bonnie:

    I just emailed the World’s Stupidest Person on the planet and asked him to help me persue a graft investigation against you in lieu of the civil measure I threatened.

    Tim Dellas has a bunk swap in store for you!

  37. Richard, Richard, Richard.

    If that is really you, get a life. You had your 15 minutes of stardom, now go away quietly. This blog is dedicated to satire, in which you were mildly jabbed. If you think that the “World’s Stupidest Person” can muster enough legal resources to address your concern, think again. He can’t even investigate real crimes like rape, domestic violence and child molestations.

  38. You’re just a cheap “Slap Stick Stalinist” impersonating a satirst.

    and by the way, for your information: I invented the “Lenz Propulsion Generator” for an additional 72 hours of fame.

  39. Good riddance Bonnie!

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