Local couple’s marriage totally ruined by all the gays getting hitched

A local couple confirmed on Tuesday the worst fears of many when it announced that its marriage had been “completely wrecked” by the huge number of gay and lesbian couples in California who began lining up to take their wedding vows when so-called “gay marriage” became legal Monday afternoon.

“Our holy matrimony now basically blows,” said the Eureka husband, who spoke with the Humboldt Mirror on condition of anonymity.

His wife of nine years agreed.

“My best friend and I both married our high school sweethearts just to piss off our parents. And now it turns out we could have pissed them off so much more if we’d held out a few years and married each other instead,” she said. “It’s devastating, really.”

“That’s what everyone means when they talk about the underpinnings of marriage being destroyed by this bullshit court ruling,” her husband said.

“It’s the passing of the American way of life,” he said. “It wasn’t so long ago that women submitted to their husbands, black people knew their place, and homos took their involuntary electroshock treatments without all the whining. Now look where we are.”

16 Responses

  1. I can relate. I got married because it was kind of the cool thing to do, but gay people are way cooler whether they get married or not. I really missed out by not having been born into a marginalized group.

  2. I never understood how one person’s marriage could ruin another’s.

  3. What’s not to understand? It’s like this. Okay. Say you buy a car–a really nice car, and you drive it around town and all your friends are like, “Oh look, your car is so cool!!” Then someone else goes out and buys a car, and their car is nice and cool, just like yours, but it’s ALSO GAY. See? Your car is totally ruined. It’s crap. Might as well shove it off a cliff.

  4. Yeah that clears it up.

  5. bug that’s the fucking gay’est example I’ve ever heard. Said the gay bride to the gay groom on the way to the honey moon,” Do you want that super sized?”

  6. I am so sorry Bug. I knew that I should have spent my Wonkavision Dividends on a sporty little coupe, rather than a bug. Your car is just so cool.

    -boy

    p.s. thanks for the great laugh

  7. omg – just blew coffee all over my screen! Thanks a lot bugsy!

  8. Marriage, sheesh….that’s SO GAY!. I want to hear that around the halls of the high schools.

  9. I wonder if Hulky Bonnie would want to gay marry me. Those muscles are so hot.

  10. My wife and I had a gay ceremony, just to be on the safe side.

  11. The Ranger is on FIRE! That was a funny comment. He is just hitting all the blogs dropping classic one-liners.

    -boy

  12. My wife and I have had a lesbian relationship for years. Way before it was so popular.

  13. To gay up my upcoming marriage, my fiance and I agreed to have gays-only bridesmaids and groomsmen.

    While I can’t actually marry another man, I thought this would be a good way to stay on top of the latest trends.

  14. This blog has become dismal, gloomy, morose since election day.

  15. Who’s on first? Who cares? We just want to know WHO”S on TOP!

  16. Could be true, bull, but it was lame, inconsistent and irrelevant before the election, so maybe this is a step up.

    But actually we’re big believers in the democratic process. The candidates who won should have won. We don’t have to like them to wish them the best and hope they govern well.

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