Many thanks from Ken Miller

Dear Miss Manners,

Earlier this month, a group of local politicians voted to expend a significant amount of public funds to save my million-dollar home, which as I write remains neatly perched on a bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean and will likely not, thanks to their efforts, slide into the same.

On Tuesday they will authorize sending a letter of appreciation to the lead agency involved in shoring up the bluff, and it occurred to me that I had not yet thanked the politicians themselves for rushing to assist my neighbors and me in our hour of need.

I should note, however, that these same politicians—rural county supervisors, all of them, really the worst kind of petty bureaucrats—are refusing to support my vision on a variety of other important matters.

In fact, despite my clear opposition, they have proposed making a major highway navigable, and have done nothing to halt improvements that would reduce the number of persons who die on another section of the same road.

As if this weren’t enough, they have on an ongoing basis provided for the filling of potholes in this and other roads, an activity which surely hastens the end of time.

So I write to you in need of a particular kind of thank-you note, one that strikes just the right balance between gratitude and contempt.

The note should reflect my propensity for misrepresentation of basic facts and my own peculiar brand of pseudo-scientific bullshit. It should be divisive, uninformed, apocalyptic and—if I don’t stop myself in time—just plain laugh-out-loud moronic.

Further, it should incorporate words like “boondoggle” and “blunderbuss,” although I clearly don’t know the meaning of either. Hell, I don’t even know what “widening” means, but I sure do want people to think it’s happening all over the place and that we could all fucking die from it.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated, although not nearly enough for me to thank or even acknowledge you, and in fact I will probably behave like a petulant buffoon toward you forever, no matter how much of my expensive real estate you save or sound advice you provide.

So just fuck you and then some,
With thanks,
McKinleyville Mock Doc

22 Responses

  1. What are you trying to say?

  2. Miller certainly doesn’t seem to mind infrastructure improvements when they involve saving his house.

  3. What a hateful little worm of a man Miller is. By the way, how’s his Kneeland grow site doing? Guess he hasn’t figured out a way to get a government bail-out for that property yet.

  4. Ah give him time, 8:06. Give him time.

    I wish he did have an electric car. Maybe then he could drive away in it and fuck up someone else’s hometown.

  5. sweet

  6. Turtle–what, now we have to have a point? Fucking-A. Have you ever read Fred’s blog?

  7. Yeah bugs now you’re pointless and fat. Or that’s what I read anyway.

  8. :) :) :) Y’er KILLING ME!

  9. Turtle, the humbugs are mocking Ken Miller’s My Word.

  10. Until I picked up the newspapers this last week I thought giving us Paul Gallegos was the stupidest thing Ken Miller would ever do.

  11. oh that guy, he wanted me to scream ,OH DOCTOR,but couldn’t fill my hole then wanted to pay with pot/

  12. Just give the bastard time, 10:43. I think the reservoir of stupid is much deeper than you think.

  13. What a hypocrite! Millions to save his house, 0 to bring about lower freight cost for the rest of us who try to make a living here.

  14. You are hereby on notice that it is against the law to be stealing Mr. Miller’s personal and private email. I assure you that Mr. Miller will do everything in his power to track you down and make you pay. In fact, Mr. Miller has already prepared a 14 pg. PowerPoint presentation about this matter. Media inquiries are welcomed.

  15. Hey Ken – Fuck you too.

  16. Hey Ken, Fuck you from me too.

  17. Just found your blog, hilarious! I really get a kick out of your writing style. :)

  18. Someone read a Thank You letter from the McK. Bluff residents into the record at yesterday’s BOS meeting – but it wasn’t Ken and I don’t think it was any of the actual residents either. Just fyi.

    TS has an article on the project here – Mad River bluffs stabilized.

    I KNOW. I just can’t think of anything funny to say!

  19. I can Rose.

    That bluff needs a big (gratuitous) palm tree. Bugs knows why. We’ve been here before.

    Dog

  20. HEY YOU LAZY ASSED BUG! GET OFF YOUR ARSE AND POKE THE DAMN GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT TO GET OFF THEIR ARSES. WE WANT SOME MORE FUNNY MATERIAL! The crap you see over at Heraldo is enough to make you slit your wrists.

  21. What, no cake? No candles? Did you forget Le Bon’s 60th?

  22. That was some broken pipe at the courthouse. At least Clendenen has gills and can better deal with a life aquatic.

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