Humboldt County takes vacation from Mark Lovelace

Humboldt County is taking a much-needed break from Third District Supervisor Mark Lovelace, who is traveling with his family in Ireland.

For three whole weeks, county residents will have a reprieve from Lovelace’s arrogance, his incessant self-promotion and his permanently reserved booster seat at Applebees.

His co-workers reacted quickly to the news.

“Well pinch my squid and call me Charlie,” said one courthouse employee. “Who says dreams don’t come true?”

“Oh thank fuck,” said Fifth District Supervisor Clif Clendenen. “Now I can put on my down vest and go stand by the river with that vacant, slightly creepy look on my face and not worry about the little prick calling at all hours to tell me what to do.”

Lovelace also was clearly enjoying himself.

“This place is great,” he said in an exclusive e-mail exchange with the Humboldt Mirror. “Nice people, beautiful country. I’ve been giving the inhabitants a few pointers about how to live their lives and protect their environment. They’re really interested and receptive. It‘s like all ich bin ein Dubliner and shit, you know?”

“He’s a strange bit of yank, that one,” said Dublin resident Seamus McDinkle. “No one wants to get thick wit’ him, but he stopped talkin’ of his self just the once, and that was t’ ask where Enya lived.”

McDinkle said that if Lovelace could keep his mouth shut for even 50 or 60 seconds, “I think we could shave them arse hairs from his chin and knit them into a wee sweater, which we would then shove clean down his throat t’ cork him.”

Lovelace said he will continue on to Northern Ireland, where he hopes to sit down with Gerry Adams and Bono to take “an unbiased but really very super intelligent not to mention smart and intelligent” outsider’s view of the Good Friday Agreement and its role in stream bank erosion.

“I’m a uniter. I’m a healer,” he said. “I’m like the Verne Troyer of international diplomacy, only without the weird-ass sex tape that went viral on the internet.”

McDinkle added that the next village up the road had prepared for Lovelace’s visit by adapting for him a special version of a classic Irish song. “They’re calling it ‘When Irish Ears Are Bleeding,’” he said.

28 Responses

  1. Classic!

  2. I was wondering what that feeling of peace and contentment was all about. Tell him not to hurry back on my account.

  3. 1. Swallow coffee.
    2. Read Mirror.

    Conversely:
    1. Read Mirror.
    2. Clean coffee from computer monitor.

    Another classic. Thanks bugs.

  4. You forgot all about the vacation you’re getting from his enormous but fragile ego. Poor little guy.

  5. We are soooooo not taking the credit for electing THAT GUY…

    Thanks Fortuna!

  6. I’m jealous too, bugs…..I wish i could afford a trip to Ireland…..Maybe someday……..

    I don’t see how being jealous and angry addresses any real issues though….

  7. I know. I tell Mark that all the time.

  8. I gotta say, I lurves me some Mark, indeedly do. Made sure to tell him to stop by my great uncle’s place to lay some flowers at the grave of one of the founding fathers of Fianna Fail.

    If’n he had really wanted to make a difference, however, he should done gone during marching season in mid-July when he could have stood face to face with a bunch of dipstick Orangmen banging their fucking lambeg drums in one this world’s most despicable annual displays of hate, jingoism and ignorance.

    Be safe Marky-Mark of the Enviro Bunch we miss you and wish you a safe trip. Feel the vibrations (and no, that’s not Clif rubbing your thigh during long-ass Supers meetings)

  9. Oh SNAP, Anon. One of the best comebacks we’ve seen in a long time.

  10. I was just thinking the same, bugsy. Make that a double-snap. Ouch.

  11. Dude those photos are awesome. Looks like Mark’s been hanging out at Home Depot.

  12. Wow… It’s like I’ll have to read your blog posts more often to have a sharper edge of similar verbage when you yourself decide to go on vacation!

    And I like the notion of writing words that celebrate your impending blog vacation and even better than how you celebrate Lovelace… When are you going on vacation?

    Of course an author of such refined character wouldn’t do that to us would they? You’re too dedicated right?

    Honestly, You could try a bit harder and put finishing touches on your words before you send ‘em… WIth just a tiny bit more spit and polish to your screeds we’d all 10 times as much fun and you may even become our favorite…

    Why so sloppy?

    Are you trying to live down your obvious talents?

  13. What is your effing problem Deane?

  14. You know how it is, Deano. No rest for the beautiful. Or maybe you don’t know how that is.

  15. Hey I thought Deano was a pill you took to get rid of gas not a pill to give you gas…..or was that Beano?

  16. I have already apologized to some family members who still reside in the Emerald Isle, and they have promised to introduce the Mental Midget to the meaning of shillelegh if they happen to run into him. Real Irish absoluty despise leprechauns and I told them that he runs around the district pretending to be one…..minus the hat of course, but still wearing the pointy shoes!

  17. Where did you find the magically delicious cereal?

  18. Carol! What’s goin’ on with you, girlfriend? You never call. We heard you had family visiting, so maybe that’s the reason. Anyway, nice to see a friendly avatar. Tell that (bastard) Greg we said hello (bastard). Hugs!! (But not for him!)

  19. Why did you bugs delete his comment regarding keeping your bug feelers off of Carol? It was funny! Silly bugs. Trix are for kids.

  20. Do the bugs have thin exo-skeletons? Bug feelers a little limp these days? No viagra in the cabinet?

    It’s OK…..Keep taking it out on your boy lovelace…..Your mancrush will soon subside….

  21. We didn’t delete it, girlfriend. It’s under the post titled “Oh, you decide,” where it’s always been. We haven’t deleted anything since our glorious but mediocre return, although we did have to block some retard yesterday for identity theft. He’s still whining about it today. Here’s the funny part: we only blocked his iPhone. He can blog with his computer any time he wants–although of course we both know why he’s not doing that, don’t we?

  22. We’re bromantically involved with that diminutive man-hunk!! Hands off! Saw him first!!

  23. Just saw Cheesebreath and his side kick Wooleyburger. Guess that just leaves Iphone alone in the office scratching his head (or whatever else itches) trying to figure out how to blog without the whole world knowing the IP returns to the California legislature.

    hahahahahhahahahhahahahah!

  24. Bah, Humbug.

    You said:

    “You have to sleep some time. And we don’t. Although now that I think about it we might have a brief dormant period. But we’ll get you just the same! As soon as we figure out how!!”

    Then you deleted my lovingly crafted words from your weblog. I guess that’s what I get for blogging with bugs. Gotta admit, though – Mark looks fine in leather pants.

  25. Hey, you put the words back. Good bug.

  26. Forget the bug, baby, and that cowboy, too. Howza ’bout some Turtle Time?

  27. May I suggest Frank Jager in a tutu?

  28. Cripes:

    Does this mean we also get the spandex version of Jeff Leonard’s wild polecat tamer act next? Hmmmm….now that I think about it

    The whip and the chair makes for a rather interesting mental picture.

    Could be a whole new version of ‘we are the world.’ Turtle, you get to do the lyrics.

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