New recycling bins a big hit with city officials, crack whores

Attack of the killer recycling bins

Attack of the killer recycling bins

The next phase in the city’s universal garbage program kicked off this weekend, as officials began delivery of 150-gallon recycling bins to every residence in Eureka.

The oversize receptacles are built to hold thousands of recyclable plastic, glass and aluminum containers, which methamphetamine and other drug users collect and sell to support their habit.

“Basically, these new bins are giant tweaker-bait holders,” said Miles Slattery, the city’s recycling coordinator, adding that crackheads and dope whores actually do the city a favor when they steal from residential recycling containers.

“Recycling reimbursements are at an all-time low and don’t even cover the city’s costs of collecting and hauling,” Slattery said. “So what we did was design the receptacles to ensure there would be no collecting or hauling.”

Slattery explained that the city selected the most garish color-scheme available, so junkies could easily spot the receptacles from the street, and made them so large they could never be concealed in any garage.

“Now junk monkeys can go dumpster diving in some of the city’s most affluent neighborhoods,” Slattery said. “It’s all part of making Eureka more livable.”

“We really thought this thing through,” said City Councilman Larry Glass, a proponent of the mandatory program. “Every drunk and dope ho in town’s gonna flip those cans to pull out the odd CRV bottle at the bottom. I mean, you can’t just pick the shit out like you could with the stacking bins. Then, after they dump everything in your yard, homeless addicts can then use the receptacles for shelter.”

They were designed to comfortably sleep four, he said.

“Also,” Glass added, “we’re hoping that after rifling through your trash they’ll go ahead and break into your homes and steal some of your electronics, which as you know contain metals that are harmful to the environment.”

Slattery estimated the city would shave 14 percent off of its waste diversion costs, which will be spent to pay police officers to respond to all the additional nuisance complaints.

25 Responses

  1. Normally I expect you two to exaggerate all to hell, but I’ve seen these things around town and they really are huge.

  2. Real Patriots throw toss all their trash in one place

  3. ??

  4. Your old friend Carson Park Mofo loves them. Isn’t he a designer or something who should recognize these as just butt ugly?

  5. Thinking of the movie Terminator 3, maybe with a code activated signal, these darn things will somehow come to life.

    Who? Who will be at the controls?

  6. All I know is that Redneck Eskimos throw their beer cans in the snow

  7. LOL… spot on.

  8. And did they have to make all that racket in my neighborhood at 7:30 on a Sunday morning? It does make my laugh when I think of it as a big cranker mousetrap.

  9. You bugs are funny, but Larry never said those funny comments.

  10. Well, there goes my booming business of selling empty PBR cans out of my kitchen window to the umm … the colorful collection of incorrigibles who would gather at the dumpster each morning expecting the mother lode. I swear, they communicated by semaphore or smoke signal. Of course, they never left without a short sermon and a peanut butter and jelly sammich.

  11. Duh?

  12. Great article. You meant “ensure,” not “insure.”

    Anyway, this will open the door to the professional recycling thieves. Likely the same kind that make their living off of snagging curbside recycling in the big city. You are correct that the stackable ones are better for this purpose. In the city before there was curbside recycling, the shopping cart recycling heroes would dig through the regular trash cans in hopes of scoring some CRV goodness. This left a lot of trash laying about. It is my understanding that part of the reason the shorty green bins are used in the city is to deter the can bandits from dumping over containers.

    Luckily, the city has thought this through already… right?

  13. box of rocks Carol, box of rocks.

  14. My gosh, I have missed you, bugs!!! and you are right, what an absolute glassdoggle. Most tenants don’t recycle anyway if the landlord pays for garbage. Or they bargain with the bums/druggies in exchange for leaving their homes alone. It’s another way to charge the owners-just like Glass’ inspections for $35 a pop!

  15. Okay, Mr. Nice Grammar Police Wanker Man. I mean, shit. We sober up for, like, 45 minutes a day so we can write this drivel, and you’re worried that we went with “i” instead of “e”? That’s all you got?

    But you’re right, and we do stand corrected. That is what we meant. We changed it. Are you all happy now? (Just kidding.) (Asshole.)

    Look, you gotta put the recyclables in something, right? We get that. But if we’re gonna put them in something folks have to dump to steal from, at least make them small enough to fit in a normal sized garage. Or get them in a color you can’t see from space. You know? That’s all we’re saying.

  16. Thank you for coming back. Of course its just another way to get his face in public.

  17. I’ll give a free blow to anyone that gets that blue monster off my corner. It’s really creeping me out. I know there’s a narc or a vice cop hiding in it. Talk about a clunker.

  18. I may be wrong, but back in the day, there was Professional Wrestler named the Grammar Hammer.

    My memory is a little hazy.

  19. What a great blog! I apologize for not checking you out earlier.

    I just linked your blog to mine (www.davesblogcentral.com), and look forward to more witty topics and conversation.

    onward and upward…

  20. Wow, Dave. You’re like our third reader. And that’s if neither of the other two moved or OD’d or something. Anyway, welcome to our humble blog. We’ll get you linked up straight away.

  21. “Isn’t he a designer or something who should recognize these as just butt ugly?”

    Man. that guy probably hates Legos.

  22. Carson Park Mofo? Is that you? Trespassing on our crappy blog?? Don’t piss us off, now. You don’t want us to go all Rumblefish on your ass again.

  23. huh?!

  24. But he thought them…
    And he conveniently doesn’t live in Eureka; so, he doesn’t have to use them or pay for them…

  25. Thanks Joe B…but Carol probably STILL doesn’t get it. Larry owns and primary rez is NOT within City limits much less his own district – he rents and occupies an apartment in old town when he has an appearance to make only — hey. This sounds familiar – isn’t there another politician that had to serve JAIL TIME for having his primary residence outside his district??? Be careful Larry – that homeowner’s exemption may just bite you in the ass….

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