Where is that wascally wabbit?

Several of our SoHum friends were quick to notice that Planning Commissioner Ralph Faust, the Bayside resident who is so vocal in his opposition to people living in rural areas like Bayside, ditched out on the big planning commission shindig down in Garberville on Thursday.

First he said he would carpool with other commissioners, then the story was that he would drive down himself, but in the end he didn’t show at all. What’s up with that?

Consider the answer to that question just one more gem from the You Can’t Make This Shit Up department.

So shortly after the board of supervisors meeting Tuesday, Faust approached county counsel to report that there had been a threat against his life. He believed he was in real danger, he said, he was afraid–and to be perfectly honest he would not feel safe going forward with the planning commission meeting in Garberville.

But what’s this he’s talking about? A death threat? Against a public official?? Holy crap!! This thing has freaky right-wing militia written all over it, does it not?

And Faust wasn’t just making this shit up. He had proof!! As evidence of the plot against him, he produced the doctored photograph and caption below which had appeared in this blog one day earlier.

Ah, now here's a classic scene from "The Christmas Story." Is it wrong of us to hope this Ralphie shoots his eye out?

How could you argue with that? We’ll be goddamned if that’s not him in that terrifying pink bunny suit. And that’s some scary-ass shit.

But Ralph–if we may–what with you being a lawyer and all, we’re assuming you can scrape up enough legal know-how to recognize that our repetition of a punchline from a clearly sourced Christmas movie does not by any standard constitute a threat, yes?

Besides, friend. If we were you, we’d worry less about the danger posed by a child’s Red Ryder carbine-action, 200-shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and a thing that tells time and quite a bit more about stepping on your own dick with laughably stupid shit like this.

Sure, Garberville didn’t miss anything by not having your genius in the room. But the thought of you playing this photo like a pair of aces just to get out of going down there–well frankly, that just tickles us pink.

58 Responses

  1. This has to rank as one of the weirder things ever to come out of the local blog scene. It says something about everyone involved that you can put a grown man in a pink bunny suit and suddenly he’s afraid to drive to Garberville.

  2. Maybe he’ll be too scared to continue as a planning commissioner. Too funny.

  3. Here comes Ralphie Cottontail
    hopping down the bunny trail
    hippity hoppity geezer’s not on his way.

  4. Good first effort, No one–but let’s firm that phrasing up a bit for next time, yes?

  5. I can’t believe you are repeating a threat like that. What would Heraldo think? Someone should write a comic strip about that, because this shit just got real.

  6. What a lying piece of crap he is.

  7. I’d hate to see what kind of psychic meltdown he’d have if you put him in a French maid’s outfit or something.

  8. It’s harder than it looks, bugs.

  9. Faust ‘s bravery should be rewarded. Let’s ship him off to Iraq and let him do some of his lawyering on the front lines.

  10. Don’t stop there – what about a full sized condom? What else – can’t we just let this go? Noooooo! Give him the blow up doll and let’s just see what he can do with that!

  11. Classic shit, bugs. Ralph is proving himself to be the douchebag we’ve always suspected him to be.

  12. Oh no doubt, friend.

  13. This guy’s like God. Everywhere and nowhere all at the same time.

  14. …and Jeff thought the doctored photo of him on Heraldo’s blog was hilarious.

    I better have a come to Jesus meeting with him to explain the dangerous and sinister overtones of blog graphics.

    Apparently, having a sense of humor really does require brain surgery for some folks.

    Too funny!!

  15. Wow! A pink rabbit suit scares a lawyer into hiding in a hole somewhere instead of going to a planned meeting.

    This is the stuff of legends.

    I can imagine (as Dork did when he mentioned the French maid attire) what the guy would of thought if the Bugs put him in a Big Foot costume. The possibilities are endless, and would be great fodder for reality shows.

    Way too funny…

  16. Listening to the public input at Redway would tend to let the public think that he actually will listen to them and adjust his thinking to reflect the public sentiment. Actually it was best that he did not go because he has his mind made up and let the public be damned. The Imperial Commissioner knows what is best for all of us.

  17. You missed the one of Jeff with the Oompa Loompas

    It was classic!

  18. I can’t believe you’re wasting time talking about dishonest public officials. Isn’t there another comic strip no one’s heard of that we could talk about instead?

  19. Totally, friend. Our priorities are crap. But don’t worry about the little cartoon boys. They’ll be back. We’re pretty sure they’ll be friends for life!

  20. Do NOT compare him to the LORD….Death threat my big toe…Ralph is just not that important… we know that Bonnie gave his butt permission to stay home and watch it on T.V.

    He is, and always was, and always will be a WORM.

    Afraid of the truth. Alternative D or C is what those that actually live and work in the rural parts of the County want (and we’re not talking Arcata-ites). Arcata BITES.

  21. No doubt Ralph stayed home to burn one with his Bayside neighbor Lovelace, who, lest we forget is the asshole who inflicted Ralph on the Planning Commission in the first place. This is just another example of Marks true colors. I bet the two of them had a big laugh over all those SoHum folks turning out for a meeting and Ralph shining them on.

  22. Thanks for the quality commission appointment, Lovelace. You da man.

  23. Joker, if it makes you feel any better, little Lovelace was apoplectic when he got home from Ireland and saw all those Riverdance costumes the Graphics Department (capital G capital D) had put him in. I thought he was going to blow a little dwarfy gasket.

  24. Clif, Lovelace, Faust have the right idea that global warming and sprawl needs to be curbed. Anybody with two brain cells to rub together has figured that out. However, they are projecting everything that is green and applicable for the rest of the urban planet and trying to make it work here. Their shortsighted idealistic view has clouded their ability to take appropriate green ideas and make them a good fit for Humboldt County. They are throwing the fucking kitchen sink at the County like we are Richmond, California or Beijing, China.

    I have heard that through LEED Certification a project can get extra green points if they plant tree for carbon offset. Ralph, look around you, how much carbon is being offset in Humboldt County? I have also read that rural towns are having a time getting neighborhoods LEED certified because they are already green due to their rural setting.

    AND, if I hear one more fucking comparison between Eureka and Portland I’m gonna puke! Eureka’s waterfront might look like Portland in 40 years or so. Ralph, if you and your dipshit brigade keep this idealistic campaign to make Humboldt County your idealistic, planned nirvana, better get another hobby for your retirement; because we, the thinking people, are going to fight back, and that includes our friends in So. Hum.

  25. With so many entrenched dumbfuck politicians in this county like Neely, there will be plenty more of this stuff to enjoy for many years to come.

  26. By “enjoy,” we mean very disappointed.

  27. Mark didn’t have squat to do with the appointment. That was Neely’s doing, which Lovelace had to go along with or else he’d be out of the club.

  28. I am not sure how you know this, but if it’s true Ralph Faust obviously would rather react to a satirical blog than listen to the good folks in Southern Humboldt. I hope he steps down.

  29. Shouldn’t this go viral? UTube or sometning? Share
    ‘with the world. I have no idea how to do that, but
    someone must.

  30. Duh, I think it has gone viral with the traffic this post is getting. I sure would hate to be Ralph at the next Planning Commission meeting.

  31. (That wasn’t intended as a threat Ralph. You are expected to actually show up to the Planning Commission meeting and spew your shit for all to hear.)

  32. Wow. You really can’t make this shit up. It’s like a bad movie or something.

  33. Planners love Portland, while developers detest it

  34. I think I once had a Faust Fur coat, and I remember something about Faust meaning, no so real?

    What’s up Doc’

  35. [...] in Uncategorized It’s hard to know when the Humboldt Mirror is even minimally serious, but in this post they discuss Robert Faust’s non-appearance at the GPU Commissioners’ meeting in Redway [...]

  36. Are you serious Erik? The bugs mostly cover VERY serious issues in local politics that you lefties instigate and nobody else reports. They just deliver it in a satirical way. Thank god, because all of that “serious” stuff you drone on about on your blog is b-o-r-i-n-g. This Faust dealio is probably one of the most telling bits of information about that jackass that has hit the mass media. Thank you Mirror!!!!

  37. Hilarious, if true.

    Geez, it’s a good thing Faust isn’t a blogger. He wouldn’t last one day.

  38. They’re serious about this. I heard it too. County Counsel’s office leaks like a fucking sieve.

  39. Wow, It is “surreal” bro”,or sis’

  40. Where’s the Christmas party at this year Mirror?

    Open bar?

  41. You know who/this reminds me of, Tim Stoen……..craaaaaazy.

  42. Stoen being gone is something to add to you list of things to be thankful for.

    Unfortunately he is still inflicting himself on the poor people in Mendo. But good reminder, things could be worse.

  43. The real reason for the Faust fake-scare: He’s after your identity Mirror. Now he can file some bogus restraining order against John Doe, or even a police report based on some supposed threat against a public official, and have court orders slapped on WordPress and/or your ISP to blow your cover.

    Never under-estimate the value of a false-flag or over-sensationalized attack to demonize your opponents. It’s the same kind of crap Kevin Hoover has been pulling for years.

  44. Kevin Hoover is the Humbug.

  45. Word.

  46. Oh we have considered that possibility. He’d have a hard time doing it–shopping that photo from judge to judge is the only way, and that just makes us laugh even harder. Then he’s got several factual hurdles he can’t get over, and maybe he knows this and maybe he doesn’t. We hope someone smarter than he has broken it down without all the big words, but one way or the other, our lawyers are better than his lawyers. Way better.

  47. Busted again! It’s like you people are psychic!!

  48. Not True 1:07, Developers just moved to the west, and further out east and to the north you dip wad. Portland is a statement for FAILURE of the no-growth ideologies… funnier than shit.

  49. Why do you think Ralph would do that? He is perfect in his own mind and very important, and immortal …. he judged for himself that there was no conflict of interest, then was retatained by the NEC, got his own daughter a job at the California Coastal Commission Eureka Office, and then filed a suit personally against a project that is the first of many to bring about economic advancements with a focus on what is good for the environment. Ralph will never step down. He is too stupid.

  50. Yeah, after they laugh so hard they fall out of their chairs reading the Mirror…..no, wait; that was our new CAO!!!!!! Go Phil!

    Bonnie sucks!
    Little Marky is short and an idiot!
    Cliffie is dumber than a box of rocks!

  51. I think your response just proved my point.

    Thanks dipshit!

  52. make that psycho

  53. Dog!! So glad you’re here. We have a little Christmas present for you. Say when.

  54. Ok I will do it if dog won’t: WHEN

  55. How do you know he wasn’t hopping mad about it, and just made up hare raising story about the death threat?

    For all we know he was tickled pink about the story, but envious he didn’t have a top notch graphics department to give him a nylon legg up on the competition to explain to the SoHeraldo folks why plan A is good for them.

  56. Hey Buggy Mutha fuka It’s gona be in minute We gonna find yo lilly white ass an BOO YA!

  57. Nicely played, friend.

  58. Good points but the big one you miss: He doesn’t have to win. The very act of dragging you into court will unmask you, which might be the only goal of all this.

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