Guest Graphic….the presidential “Applausometer”

Thanks to loyal Mirror reader Dynamohum for this gem. Dynamohum and The Mirror Statistics Dept. teamed up and crunched the numbers after Pres. Obama’s State of the Union borefest on Wednesday. The following is the breakdown on how members of Congress and the other government officials in attendance reacted.

Can we get some fries with that shake?

Even in this economy, Sneaky Pete and the Bon Bon have been fortunate enough to find supplemental employment that makes full use of their skill-sets.

Hard to lose

Gold teeth and neck tattoos? Okay, but does he have any distinguishing physical characteristics?

It’s difficult to imagine mislaying this gentleman. But evidently it’s not impossible.

Consider the Times-Standard’s description of the missing man: “[Jerry] George is a black male adult, 6′ 3″ tall, weighing about 250 pounds. He has a tattoo on his left forearm that reads ‘Hauna’ and one on his neck that reads ‘Shanda.’ He also has gold teeth.”

Good luck tracking him down with so few clues.

Bomb squad detonates bike light, reputation

This thing had Unabomber written all over it.

Well.

Except for the bomb. Which was notably not in evidence.

When not causing cities to be evacuated, this Arcata resident acts in Geico commercials.

Babydaddy Edwards admits the obvious

John Edwards, left, and Chris Kerrigan share a passion for politics, personal integrity and cutting-edge hair design.

Okay, so probably no one will file this story under “shocking.” We at the Humboldt Mirror are not exactly in the know, if you will, and even we saw this coming months ago.

But somehow the former presidential candidate and Chris Kerrigan idol still retains his ability to impress. Take for example this line from the news article: “Edwards’ admission today …  indicates that his relationship with Hunter [Rielle] continued months after his wife announced that her cancer had returned and that it was incurable.”

Nice. Well, stay classy, John. Stay classy.

Panic at the BK

For those of you worried that the Times-Standard’s Chris Durant was seriously butt-hurt about being featured in the Mirror’s expanded earthquake coverage, fret not. The YouTube sensation and slender half of the former Fat Guys has taken his spy-cam panic routine to fine dining establishments across the North Coast. His schedule of appearances is posted on the Times-Standard’s website, right under the notice stating that off-loading several hundred million dollars of debt in bankruptcy will have absolutely zero impact on the Media News Group’s operations.

What, me worry?

Mielke’n It

North Coast Journal features Mirror for 38th issue in a row.

T-S spy cam captures cause of mystery quake

We should have known one of the Fat Guys was somehow involved.

Leaving for another day any question as to why there’s a surveillance camera inside the Times-Standard’s newsroom, this footage, ostensibly of a dog predicting the earthquake, actually shows Chris Durant causing the earthquake when he trundles his rotund self out of his chair to make sure the dog wasn’t beating him to the taco truck. Watch.

Mirror HQ Suffers Major Quake Damage

Holy shit was that crazy. (Actual damage to Mirror HQ slightly exaggerated.)

Saturday’s large earthquake that rattled the North Coast and subsequently lead to the Eureka City Council’s emergency decision to allow the demolition of an historic  Old Town structure also seriously damaged Humboldt Mirror Headquarters. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.

By the way, the Graphics Dept. was unaware that any temblor even occurred. Way to go guys. Now get back to work. And no, there won’t be any FEMA money for your losses of beer during the natural disaster. Losers.

Neely tries out new campaign slogans

Sure, it's a bit late for the holidays but it definitely fits on yard signs better than "Vote Neely in the extremely off chance that 24 years of this shit hasn't been quite enough for you."

Higgins throws monstrously oversized hat in the ring for supervisor

Being smug never felt so good.

In other batshit crazy news this week we almost forgot to mention, narcissistipsycho Patrick Higgins has announced he’s running for 5th District Supervisor. Higgins currently serves as northern Humboldt County’s representative on the Humboldt Bay Harbor, Recreation and Conservation District. Higgins chairs the Harbor District’s Pompous Asshole Committee, Obnoxious Asshole Committee and the Can We Please Steer the Conversation to Include Talking About Me Committee.

Among the qualifications Higgins is touting as the reason voters in the McKinleyville, Trinidad, Blue Lake, Hoopa, Orick,  and Willow Creek areas should check his box come polling time include talking about fish incessantly, being loud, and being smug at a breathtaking level.

Totally nutso chick uses dead child as campaign prop

The district attorney race ought to get interesting, if for no reason other than the whack effect Kathleen Bryson creates everywhere she goes. In the Times-Standard today, Bryson was reported to be invoking the name of 9-year-old Nicole Quigley, killed in a drug-related car chase on Highway 299, despite the express wishes of the child’s father. Additionally, Bryson said she asked former Deputy District Attorney Allison Jackson, another potential candidate, not to run. In other news, Bryson called the death of Christ “totally effed up” and asked the Humboldt Mirror not to blog.

Hodgson to sell Journal to Larry, Curly and Moe?

Or Manny, Moe and Jack. Or Winkin’, Blinkin’ and Nod. Or was it Alvin, Simon and Theodore? Janet, Jack and Chrissy?

Okay okay. We’re told respected North Coast Journal Publisher Judy Hodgson will sell  the weekly to Managing Editor Hank Sims, Arts & Culture Editor Bob Doran and Sales Manager Mark Herring. The sale has been in the works for a while, but apparently an announcement is imminent.

Indeed, last week’s issue, featuring a 9-page illustrated obsession with Rob Arkley, was said to be the trio’s debut. So yeah. That bodes well.

Just a little shout out to the Hankster, because we think he’s an entertaining fellow. We would encourage him to be a little less Copernican in his news values and a little more open to the possibility that the center of the known universe may not actually be located along the southern edge of the Arcata Plaza.

Hodgson’s broader view turned the Journal into one of the most relevant local publications ever. It would be a shame to see Sims and company turn it into the second-best weekly in Arcata.

Times-Standard’s resolution to stop sucking falls quickly by the wayside

Yeah. Uh, guys? Pretty sure that's supposed to be "underserved."

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