Neely to Announce Latest Campaign Miracle

Way out of her league under the sea.

It’s been no secret that Fourth District Supervisor Bonnie Neely’s campaign to secure an astounding seventh term in office is largely built around the assertion that she’s spontaneously and miraculously generated the ability to find “solutions to get Eureka working again.”

That’s after 24 years of warming up for that big moment as Neely collected hefty checks on the taxpayers’ dime and developed an “encyclopedic knowledge” of nepotistic bureaucracy to compensate for her utter lack of personal experience in private-sector employment. She has maintained a shoddy record of  actually having created any jobs for people outside of her family. And we’re going to have to call bullshit on those annual festivals Bonnie keeps mentioning that she’s created.We’re talking about real, blue-collar jobs with livable-wages that don’t disappear when the Headwaters Fund grant money runs dry.

Now, adding to her previous ridiculous promises, it’s been tentatively confirmed that Neely will announce she’s found the solution to end the massive British Petroleum oil leak that triggered an environmental disaster.

While it’s not clear yet if Neely will be any more successful at capping the leak than BP has, it’s absolutely certain that the career politician will attempt to use the stunt to drum up more gigantic campaign contributions from other career politicians, corporations, casinos, special interest groups and more than a lot of out-of-county residents who most likely haven’t spent, nor will ever spend, a single night in the Fourth District.

And according to the latest campaign disclosure statements, Bonnie’s lackluster support from actual people in her district has again been overshadowed by a bulk of money pouring in from outside her district–or county even.

Neely finally infiltrates T-S staff

Out of touch with voters. Out of touch with fashion.

Bonnie Neely, the Fourth District Supervisor and California Coastal Commission chair, writing “for the Times-Standard” reminded voters today that during her quarter century in office she’s done virtually nothing as the representative of the relevant jurisdiction with respect to the Balloon Track property, it’s cleanup and any hopes of generating jobs through its conversion to something…job related.

If the braintrust at the T-S is going to simply hand over the keys to the Bonnie in the middle of an election, it’s probably all cool for her to spout whatever crazy shit she wants to say. I mean, they are the only daily newspaper in the area and must know what they are doing. Right?

“Other than making an unsuccessful offer of $50,000 in Headwaters funding to the City of Eureka for development of a master plan for the property, which would have included a cleanup plan, I have never had any formal decision making role with respect to the Balloon Track.”

Exactly. Never tried to do anything.

Interestingly, the same “toxic chemicals in wetlands, which bleed into storm water runoff” hasn’t changed much since she took office. Since the Bonnie wasn’t exactly forthcoming with all of her activities, we’ll recap what she’s done with regard to the Balloon Track property…

1986: Nothing.

1987: Nothing

1988: Nothing

1989: Nothing

1990: Nothing

1991: Voted to approve putting the county jail on the Balloon Track property

1992: Nothing

1993: Nothing

1994: Nothing

1995: Nothing

1996: Nothing

1997: Nothing

1998: Nothing

1999: Helped rally to prevent Walmart from rezoning the Balloon Track property for a superstore

2000: Nothing

2001: Nothing

2002: Nothing

2003: Nothing

2004: Nothing

2005: Nothing

2006: Raked in $14,000+ from Bill Pierson (his business and or wife), although we’re certain it had nothing to do with his efforts to prevent any Home Depot from being built on the Balloon Track and competing with Pierson’s Building Supply

2007: Nothing

2008: Nothing

2009: Nothing

2010: Raked in $10,000 from Bill Pierson, who is seen frequently dining with the California Coastal Commission Executive Director Peter Douglas.

Hislop and Gallegos: Two peas in a sociopathic pod

Incidents of honesty and integrity during the Gallegos administration are too rare to be considered statistically meaningful.

For those of you who were wowed by sheriff candidate Mike Hislop’s impressive curriculum vitae, you might have to find something new to love. In a news release last week, Hislop all but fessed up to previously fudging his academic credentials.

Whereas his ballot statement boasts of “four (4) college degrees, two in criminal justice,” and states that he is a graduate of the National Fire Academy, the new number slips to three under closer scrutiny, and that business with the fire academy is dropped altogether.

But is Mike-O the Psycho the only resumé padder out there?

Please, people. This is Humboldt County.

Pathological Paul Gallegos, Hislop’s boss, has been running around for months describing himself as a “professor” at HSU. In fact, he is an occasional guest lecturer. Probably something lower-division. Hopefully not Ethics. We realize Gags is stupid, but even stupid people know what a professor is and can recognize that he is not one.

More recently, at a public appearance over the weekend, the Gagster talked about his experience working as a deputy district attorney in Los Angeles County.

Hey Pauli Girl–little heads up, bro? Phone calls have been made. Several. Turns out people know people who know people. That sort of thing. And guess what? No one in the Los Angeles County DA’s Office seems to have heard of you.

Well–okay. No one except the guy who asked if you were the moron who plagiarized a guy who actually is a law professor.

Nice!

Balloon Track: The Prequel

Folsom Prison Blues by the Bay, anyone?A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….

One District Four supervisorial candidate, who shall remain nameless, voted to build a jail on what she now insists is the crown fucking jewel of Humboldt County real estate.

Say what?? A jail on the beautiful Balloon Track?

So obviously, turmoil ensued. Right? There were uprisings and whatnot, yes? Pickets, protests, little progs with their little arms linked in solidarity–because, hey!!  We’re talking about our precious coastal resources, our scarce habitats, our endangered sawgrass and all that nasty, yucky dioxin.

Curiously, the final EIR for the project mentions none of these things. In fact, the executive summary states that “there are no significant impacts to biotic resources associated with development of the proposed project…” (Source documents are of crap quality. Clicking to enlarge helps somewhat.)

And yet the unnamed candidate in question–the one we are still declining to identify–not only signed off on the project, she provided a second to the motion.

A number of questions spring to mind, but let’s just start with the obvious: If the Balloon Track was shitty enough for criminals, why is it now too good for people who need jobs?

(Thanks to the friend who dropped these docs off at our plush offices. Next time, though, think strippers instead. Hugs!!)

Vote Paul Gallegos, because congenital dishonesty is a quality one looks for in a district attorney

Good ol' Gags. He cannot tell a lie (unless it's one he's able to plagiarize from someone else).

Two pages before the major dick-smack Hank Sims gave Paul Gallegos over the latter’s blatant misrepresentation of county crime stats, the world’s dumbest district attorney had already moved on to his next fictional accomplishment.

This one came in the form of an advertisement which states Gags “won” a million-dollar judgment against Big Oil and Tire Co., litigation in which neither he nor his office was meaningfully involved.

Instead, the case was assembled and managed by the state Attorney General’s Office on behalf of the State Water Board in conjunction with the California District Attorney’s Association of which, presumably, Gallegos is one of at least 58 members.

Arguably not the sort of thing to toot one’s own horn over.

Insiders, however, were quick to note that Gags was not entirely uninvolved.

While it’s true his office did not conduct an investigation, did not file motions, did not prepare briefs and did not participate in settlement talks, we’re told a secretary in his office did forward to the AG documents assembled by the county’s Environmental Health inspectors.

Oh, and he also lobbied to get added to a news release two months before an election.

What a leader!

When reached for comment, Gallegos said he would take credit for his own accomplishments if he had any.

Okay okay, we made that last part up.

Neely love-child rumors gain traction

Chris Kerrigan in a Neely campaign video? Really?

Probably we all remember what happened the last time he endorsed a candidate. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.

Former upstanding citizen and Eureka City Councilman Chris Kerrigan has thrown his considerable political clout behind Bonnie Neely. And she was dumb enough to admit it.

The edumacation of Mike Hislop

We get it, bro. Looking normal is way harder than most people think.

So just a little follow-up question for Sheriff-wannabe Mike-o “The Psycho” Hislop:

Did you know–and we’re just asking here–but, were you aware that when padding the ol’ ballot statement to try to convince the unwary of your, shall we say, intellectual firepower–it’s generally a good idea to make sure that the “four (4) college degrees” you boast of don’t include your associate’s degrees and trade certificates.

You know?

Because that’s the sort of thing only an uneducated buffoon would do.

D’oh!

Thanks again Baykeeper

The T-S’s envirosycaphant John Driscoll reported today that the NEC will happily accept a government handout to clean up it’s carcinogenic hotspot property in Arcata.

When we litter it's cool.

The $200,000 grant from the EPA, courtesy of us taxpayers, will clean perchloroethylene from the contaminated soil that once sat below a dry cleaner and housed the NEC’s headquarters before it burned down.

NEC and Humboldt Baykeeper chief Pete Nichols says the contamination is highly toxic, but “hasn’t spread far.” And if Pete says something hasn’t spread far, we’re going to have to just take his word for it. He could sue himself to get a full characterization, but his litigation dance card is already maxed out with lawsuits–including the longstanding legal battle against Security National’s Marina Center project.

With the generous help from taxpayers’ money, along with $40,ooo in matching funds the NEC has to front, Pete’s graciously going to insist on a “full cleanup,” to set “a good example.”

Full cleanups are always better when someone else pays for them right Pete? Baykeeper’s parent organization Ecological Rights Foundation is sitting on its share of many millions of dollars pilfered from out-of-state corporations in hundreds of Proposition 65 lawsuits settlements going back many years. But those funds are seed money for more lawsuits.

Instead of holding up the cleanup of the Marina Center project in court, Baykeeper could get on board and use its staff resources to really set an example to help find federal funds to clean all the dioxin and other pollutants they claim are leaching from the vacant Eureka waterfront into the bay every time it rains. But then again, Bill Pierson wouldn’t let Pete do that now would he?

Coming to a bay near you....

Oh, and by the way, if Pete really, really, really wanted to set an example, he wouldn’t litter the streets of Arcata with fliers for the Baykeeper and Ocean Conservancy’s  “Ocean Night” event at the Arcata Theater Lounge on Thursday to expose farmed salmon problems.

I’m sure Pete must know that those flyers with all of that ink are in the gutters, which dump into the bay.

h/t to “Arcata Guy” for the tip on the flyers.

Asleep at the Wheel (LIVE!)

I really wish I was surfing right now...

Thanks to the good people at KEET Channel 13 and the League of Women Voters for the opportunity to see and hear in High Definition just what a douche District Attorney Paul Gallegos is.

UPDATE 7:17 p.m.

What is the worst drug problem in the county?

Allison Jackson: Methamphetamine!

Paul Hagen: “Hands down” methamphetamine!

Paul Gallegos: Alcohol. ***Crickets chirping***

UPDATE 7:28 p.m.

Gallegos tells viewers that he has worked hard for the environment to make Humboldt County “safer for living life–both human and animal.” (What a fucktard. Psssstt Paul. Don’t try and say anything Salzman didn’t make you memorize.)

UPDATE 7:42 p.m.

Should the DA’s Office investigators have assault weapons such as AR-15s?

Jackson: Nope. I’ll take away their toys when I am elected.

Hagen: Allison’s right. I can’t understand why the DA’s investigators currently have them. DA investigators are not a SWAT team.

Gallegos: AR-15s are standard issue weapons given to law enforcement officers when they complete training. It’s basic logic here. DA investigators are law enforcement folks too, therefore it’s a mistake to get rid of them. (Psssst Paul. You’re fucking it up again. Shhhhhh. Don’t say anything. Maybe it would be a good time to take a bathroom break until this debate thingie wraps up. Nobody will fault you for a weak bladder.)

Allison Jackson

UPDATE 7:50 p.m.

On whether or not the DA’s Office currently reaches out to victims and involves them in the prosecutorial process.

Gallegos (Bitchslappee): I can’t believe that question got asked. Richard said he pulled strings and that one wouldn’t be used. Well, uh, yeah, uh, sure. It’s our policy to reach out to victims. We do a great job. Especially after I have almost completely dismantled the CAST team.

Jackson (Bitchslapper):  Nope. Please notice the dozens of victims and victim’s rights advocates who support me  ’cause you suck so effing bad. When I am elected, I’ll fix that.

The smart Paul.

UPDATE 8:04 p.m.

What are the strengths of the DA’s office and what would you do to improve the weaknesses?

Gallegos: I really like my staff. They are a tireless group of dedicated people who work hard. Well, the ones that I haven’t fired anyway. I will continue to promote hard work for others and make them do more (while I spend waaaaayy too much time trying and fucking up high-profile cases, as well as taking waaaayy too much time off.)

Hagen: Staff are always a strength, yadda, yadda, yadda. But, weaknesses? That would be leadership. I can’t see a lot of strength there.

Jackson: Staff are always a strength, blah, blah blah. Weakness that need to be improved? There is a failure and “utter lack of administrative” capability and an inability to recruit qualified upper and middle level staff that are vital to handling big cases. Oh, and the “mind boggling” amounts of plea bargaining going on Paul’s watch. Yup, I’ll fix that too.

UPDATE 8:14 p.m.

What’s been going on with crime in the county?

Gallegos: Crime’s way down since I have been DA. Just look at the statistics.

Jackson: Oh no you didn’t just fucking say that did you? Crime is up during your two terms dumbass, just look at the statistics.

Gallegos: What the fuck, yo? I encourage people to just look at the statistics. Facts don’t lie. (Plllleeeaaaassseee tell me that my people didn’t give me bad info. I am not good with math. This is going to hurt way worse than getting busted for my “original” writings, which were plagiarized from some law professor or other articulate and smart guy.)

Statistics: Well, I haven’t officially weighed in yet, but I have to tentatively agree with Jackson on this one. Paul’s not really good with numbers. Or details. Or the law, really.

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