Gallegos chokes on latest crime statistics report

Well, this little article seems to have put a damper on the Gag’s notion that crime is way down under his leadership. Oh well, there will be plenty more opportunities to just make up more shit as it gets closer to November.

Humboldt Gothic

Yes, Dynamohum, in truth you could benefit from a PhotoShop class. But so could we!! Regardless, we’re glad the spirit is willing, even if the technical skills are, shall we say, weak. Thanks for sending this along!

They may be homely, but they sure are belligerent.

SHOCKER: Prog blog reports Larry Glass is right about something else

Media darling and terrific dancer

In a development sure to set the blogosphere ablaze, the Humboldt Herald announced that, once again, Larry Glass was right about something, while everyone Larry Glass dislikes was wrong.

This most recent incident comes hard on the heels of previous Humboldt Herald reports that Glass knew something no one else knew, said something no one else had the nuts to say, was calm when everyone around him panicked, and rescued someone no one else would save.

The Herald stated that Glass additionally was brave when everyone else was frightened, and able to stick to a low-carb diet months after everyone else had gone back to pizza and beer.

“This guy is like effing Superman,” said one reader who asked to remain anonymous because he secretly thinks Glass is a boorish dimwit.

“But instead of working for the Daily Planet, Larry’s sending a nonstop stream of self-promotional horseshit to the Herald,” the reader said. “But I’m sure Larry knows what he’s doing. I mean, shit, Larry knows what everyone’s doing. He’s fucking Larry Glass.”

There have been additional unconfirmed reports that Glass has walked on water, healed the blind and raised a handful of old progs from the dead just in time for the June primary.

Glass is also said to have  turned water into wine, which Natalynne DeLapp made short work of.

In related Herald news, Rob Arkley continued his quest for world domination, David Tyson was still an asshole, Linda Atkins wasn’t nearly as unpleasant as she seemed, Bonnie Neely was democracy’s last hope, and Paul Gallegos they’d just as soon not talk about.

In a word: Douchepickle

That is a word, isn’t it?

No matter!  Here’s another classic from our good friend the six-term pachyderm courtesy of www.twitter.com/BonBonForever:

Now the Marina Center’s gonna be on the Nov. ballot? Resorting to democracy was kind of a bitch move.

Oh well. She’s been in office for 24 effing years. You can’t expect her to care about representative government.

How many times can Gags’ campaign lie about a job that never even existed?

Paull Gallegos and Natalynne DeLapp share a quiet moment of dishonesty.

Hoo-wee this is getting fun!

Not to be left out, Humboldt County District Attorney Paul Gallegos’ ridiculously hot “campaign manager” has now officially joined the rest of the campaign staff in lying about Paul’s impressively spotty work history.

And how’s that working out for her? Really not all that well.

Maybe that’s what you get when you pay some ditzy eye candy a shitload of donated money to pretend to manage a campaign that’s being fucked up just fine, thank you, by one of Humboldt County’s most notoriously disreputable douchebags. Because, you know. What could possibly go wrong with that?

At this point, seemingly everything.

Let’s review.

And here’s where it gets even funnier! Gallegos’ “campaign manager” Natalynne DeLappdance, from her post under the bus,  sends a poorly written e-mail to the blogosphere’s own Capdiamont stating the mistake was hers, not Gags’.

To wit:

I take full responsibility for the language that was written on the website. Yes, it did in fact say Paul worked as a DDA in LA, but that was my mistake and misunderstanding, not Paul’s. Paul did not misrepresent himself, I made a mistake. When I became aware of my error, I fixed the record.

And about the Times-Standard story?

Paul has never claimed to have worked for the LA Co. DA’s office check the Times Standard article yourself….

So we did.

In an article that appeared in the May 22 Times-Standard, Greenson wrote:

After law school, Gallegos said, he spent some time as a deputy district attorney in Los Angeles before venturing out to start a private practice.

Seems pretty clear to us.

Maybe English isn’t her first language.

Or maybe integrity just isn’t her thing.

Regardless, Natalynne, thanks for thinking of us in your e-mail. Being called blatantly dishonest by a person of your moral caliber is something not unlike high praise.

Hugs!!

[Capdiamont: Thanks again, friend!]

Gallegos experiences cache-flow problems

Lord of the Lies

Aren’t the internets a wonderful thing? 

We certainly think they are.

Because now, when an incumbent district attorney lies about his resumé to a local newspaper, then is found out and publicly castigated, so he tries to scrub the lie from his campaign website–the lie never really goes away!! Isn’t that neat?

Here’s an example.

Paul Gallegos told Thadeus Greenson:

After law school, Gallegos said, he spent some time as a deputy district attorney in Los Angeles before venturing out to start a private practice.

At the time, his campaign website said this:

During his time at LaVerne, Paul met Joan, his future wife. After being admitted to the California Bar Association, Paul was hired on to, and served as a DDA in the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Office. Paul and his new wife opened their first Law Office in Los Angeles.

After several concerned citizens phoned the Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office nice HR people and learned that this was untrue, his campaign website was changed to say this instead:

During his time at LaVerne, Paul clerked at the Los Angeles and San Bernadino District Attorney’s Offices. After being admitted to the California Bar Association, Paul went into private practice.

Clerking…. deputy district attorneying…. With apologies to Sesame Street, one of these things is fucking NOT like the other. You feel what we’re saying?

So Natalynne, you wonky, hot, dishonest mess–no fair telling everyone Thadeus Greenson misquoted you. Because if he did, you misquoted you too.

D’oh!

[Little shout-out to our friend Capdiamont for the 411 about Gags' website revisions. Thanks, friend!]

Campaign photos we were never intended to see–Part I

Ruh-roh. Not sure how these damning campaign photos ended up in our in-box, but bygones, right? Let’s enjoy!

Here’s today’s offering:

"Fuck-in-ay! Look at all these papers I plagiarized!"

Step away from the keyboard! Please!! For us!!!

Neely is said to be utilizing a series of clever disguises to avoid the spotlight after her humiliating defeat at the polls. Sadly, that hasn't stopped her from tweeting everyone to death.

The Bon Bon’s new Twitter habit is officially out of control!

Over at her new account, www.twitter.com/bonbonforever, girlfriend is saying what’s on her mind–and that can’t be good at all for her already nonexistent chances in the November runoff.

Below are a few examples of what she probably should not have said after losing a primary by 20 points:

The results weren’t all bad. I got a solid 30%, which is slightly more than one percent of support for each year in office. #BonnieNeely

What I need is a new message. Maybe I can get Gallegos to plagiarize something good for me. #BonnieNeely

Not only am I going to demand a recount, I’m going to insist that it be conducted by immediate family members. Oh. Wait a minute. Skip that.

Maybe voters didnt hear that I HATE OIL SPILLS AND TAXES AND REPUBLICANS and LOVE HAPPINESS AND PUPPIES AND THE ECONOMY. Whats not to like?

At $77 a vote, I’m within only a half million or so dollars of winning this thing in November. Who’s scared now, Virginia? #BonnieNeely

Polls show that voters think I’m uninterested in their concerns. Yeah. Like who the fuck’s idea was it to ask them anything? #BonnieNeely

Did you hear about my upcoming Shanty event? Hey, one person’s drinking game is another’s grassroots fundraiser. #BonnieNeely

To follow her updates in real time, click here to follow BonBonForever on Twitter!!

BREAKING: The Bon Bon takes to the twittersphere!

The six-term pachyderm strikes back!

And she’s not looking all that happy!

Humboldt County’s version of Robert Byrd unveiled her latest social media project–the BonBonForever twitter account!

No really! It’s her!!

At least it sure sounds like her.

For example, check out her very first tweet:

I spent $113,000 and got 1,455 votes. That’s $77 each! Should be able to buy unused absentee ballots for less than that. #BonnieNeely

Yup. Totally her.

So bookmark that page, Bon Bon fans. We think there will be more of her trademark brilliance to come!

Meanwhile, in the Fifth District, democracy breathes its last

Patrick Cleary, the man who would be chief.

A couple of e-mails purporting to originate from the amply fed bowels of Team Cleary state that the popular District Five candidate is “in a state of shock and disbelief” over his crap election results.

Says one: “None of us can figure out how you hire the kind of professional management we had and lose that badly to someone managed by Mostranski. And then there’s the other Pat. Even Higgins’ friends don’t like him and he may end up nosing out Cleary.”

The numbers, say another, have Cleary “rethinking politics altogether.”

Because, yeah. When people can’t move here from New York and use their daddy’s investment banking money to buy their way into elective office, is nothing sacred anymore?

For a good time call 1-213-202-7777

I lie, therefore I am.

Uh, yeah. That would be the phone number for the nice Human Resources people at the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Office.

Why would we list that? So you can call and confirm for yourselves that DA Paul Gallegos lied about his previous work experience to the Times-Standard’s Thadeus Greenson.

In a May 22 article Greenson wrote:

After law school, Gallegos said, he spent some time as a deputy district attorney in Los Angeles before venturing out to start a private practice.

We called the DA’s Office half a dozen times, spoke to four different people, provided both Gags’ name and bar number, and in each case was told that no one with either that name or number had ever been employed in any capacity by the L.A. County DA’s Office.

Like we said before: Vote Gallegos, because pathological dishonesty is a quality one looks for in a district attorney. And you don’t have to look very hard to find a shit-pot of it in this disreputable dumbfuck.

O Captain, our captain: Way to show some sack

Despite our fake rivalry with Eureka Now’s Ryan Hurley, all of us here at Mirror HQ want to give the former Capt. Buhne big ups for the fearless and frequently hilarious campaign videos he has produced over the past few months.

It’s easy for anonymous bloggers to throw stones at the temple, safely ensconced as we are behind our mask of anonymity. But when Ryan crap-slaps Gags and the Bon Bon, he does so very effectively and in his own name.

And so we say to you:

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills;
For you bouquets and ribboned wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding;
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning.

That and if the withered-up old hooch loses this election, three words, friend: Tip, Top and Club. We’ll see you there.

Funky Cold Desperation

Apparently this fundraiser event will be "fantastic" like combining stimulants and depressants in one drink.

After getting a lock on the grow scene folks’ vote, DA hopeful Paul Gallegos is now pandering to the people who listen to gangster-turned-crappy-rapper music.

“Sometimes, some things that don’t normally sound like a good pairing end up being fantastic. Examples: a 24-hour restaurant that serves both chicken and waffles, a depressant like alcohol and stimulant like an energy drink and locally, Humboldt County District Attorney candidate Paul Gallegos and street-gangster-turned-party-rapper Tone Loc.

-Kai Beech
Tri-City Weekly”

And sometimes, some things that don’t normally sound like a good pairing end up being mindbendingly shitty together. Such as a Tone Loc concert fundraiser for Paul Gallegos.

It’s frightening who the T-S will put behind a computer these days.

Beech might have offered up some better examples of “fantastic” than Red Bull and Denny’s to persuade me that spending money to watch Paul Gallegos and Ton Loc “mesh” on stage is even remotely a good idea. Did you just fucking write that energy drinks and 24-hour restaurants that serve chicken and waffles are fantastic? Really?

Although it’s painfully obvious that Tone Loc’s and Paul’s music, upbringing and lives couldn’t be more strikingly different, the rapper and crappy DA have one notable thing in common. Rapper Tone Loc samples other artists’ lyrics and music as part of the rap music tradition. District Attorney Paul Gallegos samples scholars’ ideas and writings he publishes as “My Word” pieces in the T-S as part of the tradition of being a giant dumbass.

Tickets are $35 advanced, $25 general and $1 if you’ve had a case mishandled or botched by Gallegos and will promise not to appear in any of  his challengers’ political ads.

Admittedly, no one ever said he was smart

Well shit. There goes the very last trace of Gallegos' integrity.

Or honest, for that matter.

Over at the Humboldt Herald, the absence of both qualities is once again on proud display, today’s example being a hysterical headline screaming  about “abused babies” being used as “political footballs”–something only Heraldo appears to be doing.

At issue is a horrific child abuse case current DA Paul Gallegos botched on appeal a while back. DA challenger Allison Jackson knew the case well, because she prosecuted it at the trial level.

Which is where Heraldo’s version of events predictably parts company with reality.

He, she or it would have voters believe that the case came back on appeal because of something Jackson did. To wit: “Jackson herself botched the prosecution in 2000.”

But even the fragments of the minutes Heraldo selectively used state that the case was returned because the defendant was misadvised of his appellate rights.

Sounds serious, right? Arguably, it is.

Only problem with that is, as one Mirror regular noted, prosecutors don’t advise defendants of appellate rights. Judges do.

Not that it matters. Heraldo is clearly preaching to the choir. There probably isn’t a better demographic out there within which to drum up support for Gallegos than people who proudly and persistently don’t give one small shit about the truth.

It’s exactly the same quality Gags gas been modeling for the past seven years.

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