Graphics Dept. unveils newest hobby sensation!

Marky Poo Lovelace Paper Doll Collection

While Humboldt County residents are trapped indoors from what seems like never-ending Biblical-proportion rain, the Humboldt Mirror Graphics Department dorks want to offer a pastime to while away the wet weather.

Yes folks, it’s the North Coast Proggie Paper Doll set. First up for your enjoyment is the Marky Poo Edition. Just click the link. Print out the paper doll. Carefully cut along the edges. We’ll provide the outfits. (When the Graphics Dept. is not on a PBR bender, of course.)

Because even if the hyperbolic Third District Supervisor isn’t really as big a champion for the environment, jobs or improving the county as he claims, we can always just dress him up to be. Right? Game on.

In keeping with the theme of Marky’s quest to land a spot on the California Coastal Commission and kill any hopes of a cleanup of Eureka’s Balloon Track property or Security National’s Marina Center project, here’s the wee fella’s first change of clothes.

Enjoy friends!

The Humboldt Mirror says goodbye to a friend

Chris Crawford

Chris Crawford, respected community member and longtime friend of the Humboldt Mirror, died over the weekend following a brief battle with cancer.

Chris was a well-liked businessman, an outspoken advocate for campaign finance reform, and a man who gave generously of his time and money to more causes than we can count.

Most of all, he was one hell of a decent human being. He will be missed.

Memorial service plans are still being firmed up but will be reported here when arrangements are confirmed.

In quest for world domination, Lovelace proves he’s not afraid to ask the big questions

"Where are the epaulettes? I alway thought there would be epaulettes. And sweet chocolate Jesus, how can we possibly be out of ascots and spats?"

Petitioners call Lovelace a potential “embarrassment” to Governor

Huh. No mention of his Napoleon complex. Probably that's assumed.

A petition Mark Lovelace circulated to get Mark Lovelace appointed to the California Coastal Commission has been seriously upstaged by a competing petition titled “Mark Lovelace is wrong for California.”

The petition does a good job of stating the obvious:

Mark Lovelace fails to recognize the need for balance between economic growth and environmental preservation. His positions are extreme and he is a divisive force in our community. His appointment to the Coastal Commission would be both damaging to the economy of California and an embarrassment to you, our Governor.

While it’s true that our Governor has previously displayed an impressively high tolerance for embarrassment, his handling of the budget suggests he is not totally impervious to economic realities. It will be interesting to see what he does with this appointment.

So far, 149 people have signed the online petition, with an additional 700 signatures submitted to HCAOG during the wee wonder’s last attempt at world domination only three months ago.

Add your name here.

Short-lived NCJ editor accepts new position as unemployed douchebag

Abate Abated!

And we’re gonna venture a wild-ass guess that the new gig wasn’t exactly his idea.

Either way, good luck to Tom Abate. We suspect he’s going to need it.

While we’re on the subject of “good,” dare we now hope that The Hotness That Is Jennifer Savage will return??

Let it be so! And let the schadenfreude begin!!

Shadowy litigious group nabs first Douchebaggy Award of 2011

Scott Greacen: Douche

In a stunning tribute to irony, the Environmental Protection Information Center Executive Director Scott Greacen is crying foul over closed-door negotiations being held by lawmakers in Sacramento that are aimed at boosting the state’s sluggish economy and lowering skyrocketing unemployment rates.

The T-S reported that a Republican senator and his four colleagues are asking for a revamping of the California Environmental Quality Act in exchange for supporting Gov. Jerry Brown’s plans to put a five-year income tax, sales tax and vehicle licensing extensions before voters in a special election.

The goal of the CEQA revamp would be to ease the abuse of California’s environmental regulations by special interest groups by limiting challenges to environmental impact reports, requiring citizens filing litigation against projects to make a $50,000 deposit — or 1 percent of the project’s cost, whichever is smaller — to the court before filing legal action and make telecommunications companies exempt from many environmental reviews. The proposal would also greatly broaden the types of projects exempted from the environmental review process.

The implications are apocalyptic for the group that seemingly exists solely to sue the hell out damn near anything that moves to achieve its goals.

”My first impression is that this is a really, really radical proposal that would gut CEQA and take away local communities’ ability to be involved in important planning decisions,” Greacen said. “The substance of this is just sweeping.”

Because protecting the right to sue with reckless abandon is monumentally more important than making serious reforms to fix our disastrous economy and nearly $27 billion budget deficit.

And for that Mr. Greacen, you’ve earned the Douchebaggy Award. Congratulations friend!

Blue Lake Casino teaches whitey important principles of natural selection

$ Milk Money $

Great news, crazy people!! It just got even easier for you to become a burden to society.

Unpasteurized milk is now for sale at the Blue Lake Casino Play Station 777 convenience store, despite reams of scientific data linking viruses, parasites and bacteria from “raw” milk to illness and death.

The sale of unpasteurized milk is illegal in Humboldt County. The Blue Lake Rancheria, as a sovereign nation, is not subject to the ban.

Rancheria spokeswoman Jana Ganion characterized the decision to sell the milk as “just the latest example of the Blue Lake Rancheria’s rich tradition of giving.”

Ganion explained,

The council decided to offer raw milk because many of the tribal members were raised on raw milk, and they wanted to make it available for those who wish to drink it.

For the same reason, she said, Play Station 777 has begun selling 40s of Steel Reserve to 8-year-olds.

Ganion went on to say that the tribe operates a casino to teach young adults remedial math and improve the hand-eye coordination of seniors on fixed incomes.

But the spokeswoman bristled when asked if the Rancheria would take responsibility for the expenses and public health consequences associated with consumption of unpasteurized milk. The tribe, she said, would provide a “complete package” of support, including bingo discounts, drink coupons, and a complimentary trip through Alice’s Buffet.

Luck of the Dumbass

The Patron Saint of Wee Genitals

In celebration of St. Patrick’s Day, we are sending along our best unlucky wishes to the diminutive and wee-genitaled leprechaun Mark Lovelace in his second bid to land a seat on the California Coastal Commission.

Although we would sleep a lot easier with a Mark Wheetley appointment, the Arcata City Council voted recently to throw Councilwoman Alex Stillman’s and Third District Stupidvisor Lovelace’s names into the hat for Gov. Jerry Brown to choose from for the job.

According to the Times-Standard, Lovelace said he was interested in the seat because of his involvement in specific coastal projects that give economic advantages to some businesses over others.

”The coastline is an incredibly valuable resource,” Lovelace said. “For Bill Pierson’s Building Center.”

Humboldt County 4th District Supervisor Virginia Bass and Fortuna City Councilman Ken Zanzi’s names are also being forwarded to the Governor’s Office for consideration for the job.

Zanzi had been appointed to the commission by outgoing Gov. Schwarzenegger and attended at least one meeting until incoming Gov. Brown got all butthurt and dismissed him to make his own pick. Let’s hope Brown doesn’t douche this one up.

Someone told her, right?

One former elected official's Twitter account is in serious need of an update. Probably she's just been busy doing, you know, stuff.

Anti-timber activist inadvertently tells the truth about something

Following decades of hyperbole about the timberlands formerly owned by the Pacific Lumber Company, it’s somewhere between jarring and refreshing to hear that maybe Charles Hurwitz was not, after all, forever teetering on the verge of cutting down the last redwood tree in Humboldt County.

In a My Word about a different tract of redwoods, Petrolia eco-warrior David Simpson takes credit for helping MRC acquire PL’s acreage–which he goes on to describe as”one of the true gems of the world’s forests.”

Yeah–what??

After all the barren moonscape this, environmental wasteland that, suddenly the trees the sky had been falling on for the last 20 years are the eighth goddamn wonder of the world?

Probably it’s hard to keep track of your talking points for that long.

Then again, Simpson and his eco-groovy compatriots have nothing to gain anymore from grossly exaggerating the conditions of that property.

They’ve moved on. Their current target is the 50,000-acre Usal Redwood Forest in northern Mendocino County, which millions of dollars in public funds are desperately needed to save.

And the purported condition of that property?

Simpson calls it “a remnant of heavily cutover forest.”

No doubt he means it for reals this time.

Surge projector

This time-lapse video of the tsunami shows torrents of water gushing in and out of the Crescent City harbor. It doesn’t look like much in real time, but this hopped-up version gives a better sense of the destructive force of even a small tsunami.

Bugs use international tragedy as excuse for drunken indolence

What real problems look like

Like many of you, we’ve been glued to our TVs and computers the last several days watching the tragedy in Japan go from bad to worse. While we Bugs value our roles as ambassadors of the snarky and superficial, even we can’t pretend that the problems we face locally–industry loss, land use disputes and a bottle-necked economy–appear anywhere on the list of things that really matter right now. Still, onward and forward and that sort of thing. But for a while at least we might keep in mind that these little wars we wage are, in the larger scheme of things, over not very much at all.

Those who want to contribute to the relief effort can visit the Red Cross online or text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 from your cell phone.

Hugs!!

Community Development Disservices Department goes on the offensive

The Times-Standard today published a 650-word snark-fest by Martha Spencer, a senior Community Development Services planner who has worked on the county’s General Plan Update for the past eight or nine years.

Her message? Critics of the GPU process are “special interest groups” that don’t know what they’re talking about. In her view, the process hasn’t taken too long. It hasn’t cost too much. Oh and they’re gonna start issuing news releases!! Yay that. But there won’t be anymore pesky advisory groups, because the department has listened to this community’s crap for long enough already, thanks.

Well you’re welcome, Martha! And here’s a little something else. Since online comments to this My Word mysteriously disappeared, one Mirror reader asked us to add this message–if, you know, y’all can bear anymore of that irritating community input:

The level of acrimony expressed in this piece verges on disdain. If the intent were to bring people together by providing accurate or at least “official” information, you fail.

I agree that there has been misinformation but would note that much of it comes from the Community Development Services Department. Your Housing Element is and was a fraud, and probably an intentional one, so when you want to accuse others of spreading misinformation you might give some thought to what the pot said to the kettle and why, as a result, no one bothers to listen.

Too, it sounds like the big news being announced here is that you are now going to start issuing news releases. This announcement was made in such a way that assumed some level of interest by the general public, even though I’ve never heard one person suggest that what’s missing from the General Plan Update is a concerted public relations effort.

Rather, what’s missing is leadership, truthfulness, and a desire to act in the best interests of this community, rather than cover your asses and score political points. This letter corrects none of these defects.

Word.

Handycapable activists demand equal right to protest stupid shit

Stupid is the real disability.

In what was hailed as “a victory for civil rights,” six disabled activists stormed the Board of Supervisors chamber Tuesday demanding equal opportunity to protest the Richardson’s Grove realignment, or whatever else people without disabilities are always banging on about.

One protester, who identified himself as Forest Gimp, said,”Today we took a big step, so to speak, toward correcting that thing about the trees by that road down I think south of here somewhere.”

“Which absolutely must be stopped,” shouted another activist who declined to give his name but insisted he was not one of the cavemen from the Geico commercials.

“Because if they widen the road, trucks and stuff will drive on it,” one woman yelled.

The protesters looked at each other for a minute. Two of them shrugged.

“Like trucks that aren’t even hybrids,” the woman clarified, pumping her fist.

“Forests forever!” the group chanted.

Sheriff’s deputies eventually cleared the room by offering the activists an opportunity to review the ADA compliance of the jail cells upstairs.

As they boarded the elevator, one said the group would be back to protest at the next raw milk hearing.

When asked if they were for it or against it, several of them nodded emphatically and said yes.

Photo credit: Eureka Times-Standard

The latest and greatest from Abbot the Rabbit

Like we always say, magniloquent is as magniloquent does.

For more of Abbot’s decidedly dry wit, visit his new blog Moderated By Heraldo, located at http://moderatedbyheraldo.wordpress.com/.