Arcata Eye way funnier than Humboldt Mirror

Photo and story by Kevin Hoover

Gallegos Vows To Complete Subway Take-Out Order ‘Soon’

EUREKA, APRIL 1 – A tense standoff between Humboldt County District Attorney Paul Gallegos and a fast food menu entered its 11th day Monday, as the D.A. pondered a range of meat, topping and bun sandwich options that appeared to overwhelm the county’s lead prosecutor.

“Um… let’s see,” Gallegos said to an increasingly impatient Subway employee while attempting to complete a sandwich order. “Let’s do lettuce, tomatoes and, uh… peperoncinis – no, actually, I take that back, because I just remembered that I don’t really like spicy food,” the D.A. said, before regrouping to give it another go.

“Gimme a minute here,” he said, his eyes slowly drifting over to a stainless steel tray of red onions, then over to a condiment tray, then back to the onions, his brow furrowed in deep thought.

“Let’s start over at the beginning, sir,” a Subway clerk advised, motioning to several small loaves of bread arranged on an oven rack. “Would you like a foot-long or six-inch?”

Gallegos then looked in the direction of the oven rack for several minutes without speaking.
One customer characterized his expression as “a blank, thousand-yard stare.”

Lawn chairs, sleeping bags and pickup games of checkers occupied the 50-or-so customers waiting in line outside the Subway and – although nerves were increasingly frayed – patrons made the best of it, in a scene reminiscent of a Harry Potter film release.

Gallegos’ sandwich odyssey struck a familiar note to those accustomed to the D.A.’s poor – or some would even charge, nonexistent – decision-making abilities.

As lead prosecutor, Gallegos’ internal compass has at times displayed all the consistency of a Magic 8 Ball: One minute, offering soft plea deals to violent repeat criminals; the next, engaging in quixotic – and ultimately, failed – attempts at prosecuting elected officials and chiefs of police.

Back inside Subway, Gallegos expressed renewed determination to conquer the sandwich menu:  “I will select my chosen condiments and toppings without fear or favor,” he said in his trademark, meandering gravel-voice – but appeared no closer to narrowing down which vegetables to choose.

Putting a cell phone up to his ear, Gallegos was then overheard to say: “Listen, Richard, I need your help making a decision. No, not on that felony plea-bargain thing… and no, this has nothing to do with the investigation into Allison. Richard, can you remember whether I like dijonnaise?”

Read more here.

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25 Responses

  1. You nailed Gag’s.

  2. Ooh. Bad visual alert.

  3. Kevin has a good one from time to time, but where are HIS paper dolls? Hmm? That’s what I want to know.

  4. Don’t look now but I think someone put in an aircraft landing zone on the back of Gags’ head. I’m surprised Salzman hasn’t filed a lawsuit or something.

  5. The pathetic thing is that this April Fool’s spoof is totally believable.

  6. Wait. You mean this isn’t true?

  7. It’s true in every way that matters.

  8. Nice touch casting Arnie Klein as spokesman.
    Remind me, he last did a trial when? If he worked for anyone else, he’d have to work.

  9. How bout the disbarred one. Dollison isn’t it? The guy who faked court papers and took money from clients. Oh the same dude with psycho probs and substance abuse. So at home. Arnie’s a dead beat but just a small notch on the f up of justice. Whatever that is in this county.

  10. Wasn’t Kevin Hoover accused of [moderated]?

    Anyway I had the luxury of watching free speech/homeless advocate Nicholas Bravo’s show on Hoover and the Arcata Lie and was impressed that somebody had the balls to call him out on his bullshit.

    It is refreshing to see someone like Bravo radiate his message of hope on the airwaves while exposing crooks like Hoover and Congressman Thompson.

    Way to go Nick.

  11. Thank you anonymous for your support! I plan on charging forward with the show while bringing a new energy to the sad state of activism here.

  12. ANONYMOUS at 7:50 is way out of line.

  13. Nicholas Bravo is a stalker……

  14. @ anonymous Yes I have heard of those allegations and I know for a fact that hypocrite Kevin Hoover has buddies who run illegal grow ops that the state sponsored thugs conveniently ignore

  15. An anonymous poster praises Nicholas Bravo at 7:50 and then Bravo himself pops up at 7:52?… Right!… Very Doran, Nick.

  16. I noticed that too, Anonymous. I’m sure it’s all a complete coincidence…

  17. I’m downdinged for saying “ANONYMOUS at 7:50 is way out of line.”??? Hilarious.

  18. Also by Nick Bravo.

  19. God bugs. Can’t you spare us from Bravo the cyber stalker? We have to put up with Plain Jane (who is drooling because she doesn’t have access to Franklin’s family jewels). We also have to repeatedly read Greg Connors (who posts under so many name our heads spin) who truly believes he’s Howard Dean’s screaming evil twin (scary cause Dean is whacked out enough for the norm). We have to be subjected to Mitch’s incessant hatred about our form of democracy (yeah Mitch a lot of us hate facism, why can’t you) and christ when will someone pull the spleef from tra so he makes sense?

    We know you can’t save the world bugs, but holy crap spare us from Bravo the whacker.

  20. I second John on that. Keep that nutter on the HH,but not here. (Mr. Bravo, shame on you for obsessing on Hoover who really made a funny with that article on Gags the chief idiot of HumCo).

  21. I second John on that. Keep that nutter on the HH,but not here. (Mr. Bravo, shame on you for obsessing on Hoover who really made a funny with that article on Gags the chief idiot of HumCo).

    Gags. How much will you charge for another free ride for Derek Bowman?

  22. How did that post twice?

  23. I heard that Plain Jane is Nick Bravo mother!!!??

  24. Back to the real point! Gallegos is a disaster as a DA. And it will only get worse. Word on the street is that Gallegos is not going to run again (tired of using his own money for the campain) and DDA Dollison will run at the next election.

    With a third term for Gallegos you can count on a mess for whomever takes over.

    And speaking of a mess! Word on the street is that EPD chief Garr is hanging onto his job by the skin of his teeth! It might help if the police union had a Confidence Vote! Chief Garr might get six votes of confidence!

  25. Hahahahahah! Dollison? He was disbarred for fraud. Guess that’s why he fits in with Gallegos. I really miss Humboldt. Now its crapola. Sad. Really sad.

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