Accomplishments Mark Lovelace forgot to mention

Speaker to Lovelace: "Don’t act like a hurt little girl with me." Oh. Well. Maybe next time.

For those of you who missed Jonathan Speaker’s laugh-out-loud email smack-down of Third District Supervisor Mark Lovelace, treat yourself to a look at it here.

In it, Lovelace explains why he’s the best supervisor on the board, possibly the best ever, including in the future, and announces how he’s solved all of the county’s problems which, we might note, purely as an aside, remain largely unsolved.

In the spirit of helpfulness for which we Bugs are widely known, we thought we’d give the little guy a hand rounding out his list of accomplishments.

I know I know. You’re welcome!

More accomplishments Lovelace can take credit for:

  • Spent a shit-ton of public money on self-promotional travel
  • Was stupid enough to brag about it
  • Solved the airport problems that aren’t solved
  • Increased revenues that haven’t increased
  • Fixed permitting problems that aren’t fixed
  • Prioritized redundant self-congratulation over non-redundant broadband
  • Helped remove the Klamath dams by opposing their removal
  • Talked about himself in the third person and then didn’t know what that meant
  • Bragged about saying “I” more than 30 times in an email to a constituent
  • Put Humpty Dumpty together again
  • Gave generously of his height to pygmies
  • Spanked John Woolley in a legendary beer-pong showdown
  • Showed Obama how to get his jumper back online
  • Led a horse to water and made the fucker drink
  • Coined the phrase “Bros before hos”
  • Invented Al Gore’s invention of the Internet
  • Died for our sins
  • Grew that stupid beard so he could donate the hair to chemotherapy patients.

Have we left anything out?

29 Responses

  1. OOUCH!

  2. WTF? I thought I coined the phrase “Bros before hos.” Whatever with that.

  3. If only he’d been born with an adequate penis, none of this would have happened.

  4. I just pissed myself laughing. Thanks Bugs. This made my weekend. Now it’s time for some PBRs!

  5. Shit howdy, that’s a classic. Hah!

  6. Mark needed help telling people about all the wonderful things he’s done? I doubt that. It seems to be the only thing he’s diligent about.

  7. Another weird one on that ‘accomplishments’ list was the Law Enforcement Committee — one the Board approved the formation of over a year ago. It has NEVER met and the Board has appointed ZERO members.

  8. Very well done! You the man Bugs.

  9. Can’t Arkley get campaign manager Steven Glazer to lobby Governor Brown to remove Loveless from consideration for the North coast CCC seat?

    Come on Gans & Mitchell, let’s use our resources!

  10. HFS. I laughed so hard my chair fell backwards and I knocked myself out. Came to with the paramedics around. They laughed too!

  11. Now, that is an impeccable email train from Jonathan. Its worthy of the Humbug with all of its pithiness and wit.

    Mr. Speaker, you nailed it. Mr. Lovelace, you are too smitten with yourself. I thought it was just a “summer thing,” but you are so obsessed with “yourself.” I mean the 30 I’s and referring to yourself in the 3rd term. Thanks Jon, you called it right. God, I would love to see more of those emails.

  12. Whew! Finally got my breath! Bugs and the Graphic lads you have outdone yourselves! Just about perfection…however, on behalf of the over 50 and have had a couple of largish babies….stop it! We keep peeing ourselves and it just adds to the mountain of laundry we are confronted with on a regular basis!

  13. Gotta love Josephine. What a babe. You think you gotta problem with peeing due to laughing your ass off here. Well this old fart has years on you so I now read this damn blog on my mobile device so I can read and laugh in the “appropriate” place. It cuts down on the laundry a bit.

  14. Ben…Ben…Ben…That’s way too much info. Please go fly your kite! We all love Jo. You too!

  15. You forgot to mention that his latest accomplishment is trying to find ways to help clendenan pay off his $25,00 campaign debt from the 2008 election. clendenan has ALOT of fundraising to do to cancel out that old election debt BEFORE this upcoming election next year.

  16. FNA that’s good stuff.

  17. Dynamo. If Ben wants to pee al fresco or in his crapper in order to read the mirror without a large laundry bill then wtf. Leave a 250 year old geezer alone. Respect your god damn elders.

  18. Debt, no problem. Apples $25 each. I’m sure there are more than 1,000 progressives ready to buy. Or 2 for a $100, its a progressive deal. My guess is Bonnie might have some left over she can loan him.

    Your guys made fun of it, but don’t forget. Mark is real serious about his politics. Humboldt County be damned.

  19. I wouldn’t give more than 10 cents a piece for his apples. I’d give money to the candidate that opposes him who has half a brain.

  20. How typically Midget of that worthless turd. He did shit about the Klamath except fight and try to stop the agreement. We would still have nothing done if it weren’t for Jill Duffy. She was instrumental on getting that done despite fighting Midget and his idiots and he has the f’ing arrogance to try and take credit. Hey Mark. Fuck you

  21. I’m running. Send money to halfabrain.org!

  22. Not halfbrain.org.
    Its actually; dicklessmidget.baykeeper.nec.bullshit

  23. My bad.
    My true.
    But, my bad. I just can’t tell a lie damn it.

  24. You know George, if you would have cut down that cherry tree here in Humboldt County well…I’m just saying. Especially if it was to widen the road!

  25. Morning Abe. Guess I should get my chainsaw out and head to the “Grove”. But, first “Luna” and then the “grove”. That should set off a shitstorm. Since I can’t tell a lie, what a lovely shitstorm that would be! Hey Mark. Have you taken credit for planting Luna too?

  26. Free the slaves! Oh wait, we’re all slaves…

  27. Now he can add 12th runner up for the Coastal Commission

  28. Friday the 13th was a lucky day for Humboldt and California.

  29. 12th runner up? Omg that’s funny.

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