Times-Standard to fill Monday news hole with 52-part series on discontinuing Monday newspaper

Here's some guy with a camera. Photo credit: The Eureka Times-Standard

The Times-Standard announced today that “Digital First” Mondays are now in effect. Modeled after North Korea’s “Military First” policy, the new approach will allow the Times-Standard to devote assloads of resources to something it has no hope of doing well, angering thousands and starving much of its staff to death in the process.

The first digital Monday featured an article about not getting a paper, a letter from the publisher about not getting a paper, and also some frequently asked questions on the subject of–what was it? Oh right. Not getting a paper. Super interesting reading all the way around.

Despite their thoroughness overall, however, they did come up a bit short on the Q and A. Sure, they got the big ones: “Where’s the crossword?” “Where are the ads?” “Where’s the Sudoku?” and “Where are the comics?” (“Where’s the news?” came in at question number five, right before the one about not getting your money back even though you paid for seven newspapers a week and now they’re giving you only six.)

So here are a few things we would like to know:

1. What will happen to the penetrating commentary that normally graces the Monday editorial page?

2. When will you begin printing on flushable newsprint?

3. What will you do with Monday’s marijuana graphic?

4. Do you know where I can get a bird that shits only six days a week?

For the hardliners out there who absolutely must know what’s going on every day, Publisher Dave Kuta announced that the news that would have been printed in Monday’s paper will now appear in either the Sunday or Tuesday editions, either before it happens or after you no longer care.

23 Responses

  1. LMAO!!!!!! The pot graphic is only on Monday? I thought it was a regular part of the daily news at the TS.

  2. Oh Humbug, I think I love you.

  3. Classic! Thanks for the laughs once again.

  4. I think the Times-Standard now IS the bird that shits only six days a week.

  5. Ha ha. You guys kill me.

  6. It was very strange at the coffee shop this morning – no paper on the table. So we had to resort to – reading the sections (of the other publication) that we never read, instead of talking news, we were talking calendar events. And legal notices. Did you know there’s a workshop on – - never mind – - -

    You don’t make it by cutting back. You make it by forging forward, being better, doing more, offering more. Cuts only get you so far, and that’s usually deeper in the hole. Every day their overhead goes on, now they have a full day with no revenue. 1/7th of their revenue, gone.

    Not that it matters, since pot growers really don’t buy ads, and the progs have killed off the businesses that do….

    OH! LOOK! Something shiny – that evil WalMart…

  7. If you could change that m to B for back – damn I hate typoses.

  8. This sorta thing makes me think that there shouldn’t be a FAQ list, but a FUQ list…you get the picture.

  9. Love, love, love you guys. Hugs!

  10. What a scam this is…got my ‘instructions’ and password in the mail (can’t print a paper, but can do mass mailing), tried it on Monday, didn’t work, tried to sign on for an accout, didn’t work either. Finally, called the office, helpful individual informed me that she could get the account to work, however, there would be the additional charge for the online edition!

    Bull-fracking-crap! I have already paid my subscription for the ‘paper’. I can go on-line and read the newspaper from any country in this world FOR FREE, but the local propaganda organ of the pot industry charges twice? Things really are upside down.

    The best news about this election year: we can tell Mark Lovelace to get a real job!

  11. There are pot graphics every day Jen. But where is Monday’s going to go? Think of the loneliness! So sad.

  12. Maybe Durant and Driscoll could come back and smoke it. It would be just like old times.

  13. Old times, shit. That’d be just like yesterday.

  14. How does the T-S stay in business? The E-R lost millions every year just to keep the doors open.

    The newspaper industry is dead

  15. You comment is awaiting moderation

  16. Wonder why T-S did not do this

    BEFORE READERS NO LONGER CARED???

    HOJ

  17. Josephine,

    there is a movie coming out titled “Lovelace”, serious. It may be up your alley?

    HOJ

  18. The guy in the photo is saying: “Hello, Times-Standard. How may I direct your call? James? What? James who? What do you want? Excuse me? Meet you where? Hello? James who?”

  19. If it was printed on smaller stock, and advertised as “Rolling paper with words,” they’d clean up.

  20. In a Nov. 2 email to county officials, Gallegos wrote, “I believe the continued presence of tents outside of the courthouse presents a profound public safety risk.”

    In the same email Gallegos wrote, “While I do not suspect that any of those tents contain any explosive or otherwise dangerous materials, I cannot confirm that they do or do not and I do not believe that we can allow the risk of such an occurrence to continue.”

    My Response: So, in public places, is it illegal when any public employee can’t see something? What about willful blindnesses and willful mis-observations?

    Just wonderin’ for pete’s liberty sake

    HOJ

  21. You had me at “Do you know where I can get a bird that shits only six days a week?”

  22. On the bright side, it will be more news that the TS has had in awhile. Just wait until the articles come about what we would have written if there had been a Monday edition.

  23. Hey did anyone see the TS picture today of loveless holding up his fingers and commenting that ” please vote for me even tho my penis is a little shorter than this”

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