Neely love-child rumors gain traction

Chris Kerrigan in a Neely campaign video? Really?

Probably we all remember what happened the last time he endorsed a candidate. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.

Former upstanding citizen and Eureka City Councilman Chris Kerrigan has thrown his considerable political clout behind Bonnie Neely. And she was dumb enough to admit it.

Babydaddy Edwards admits the obvious

John Edwards, left, and Chris Kerrigan share a passion for politics, personal integrity and cutting-edge hair design.

Okay, so probably no one will file this story under “shocking.” We at the Humboldt Mirror are not exactly in the know, if you will, and even we saw this coming months ago.

But somehow the former presidential candidate and Chris Kerrigan idol still retains his ability to impress. Take for example this line from the news article: “Edwards’ admission today …  indicates that his relationship with Hunter [Rielle] continued months after his wife announced that her cancer had returned and that it was incurable.”

Nice. Well, stay classy, John. Stay classy.

Dare to dream, Eureka!!

We're fucked.

Brace yourselves, Eurekans, because word from the prog pond is that a certain former city councilman is planning to do us the great favor of running for mayor of our fair city.

Yippee kai yay and shit, yes?

Because when we look at the challenges facing Eureka, the first thought that springs to mind is, you know, what we need is the manager of a marijuana dispensary in Arcata to get in here and really turn things around for us.

Just what the pot doctor ordered!!

Uh, yeah. That pot doctor.

And all this time we thought giving us Paul Gallegos and his infamous fraud case was the stupidest thing Ken Miller would ever do.

By the way–that lawsuit. Remember it? The one that was repeatedly laughed out of court because it was all rhetoric and no substance?

Those are roughly the same terms we would use to describe Chris Kerrigan.

Maybe we should call it Glass v. Tyson instead

Good thing this isn't political.

Eight paragraphs into the Times-Standard’s most recent front-page tome about the lawsuit filed against the City of Eureka and its manager, David Tyson, appears at long last an actual fact of the case:

Two council members, one current and one former board member, told the Times-Standard on Tuesday that they did meet with [plaintiff Tawnie] Hansen in the summer of 2008.

Inquiring minds are inexplicably then subjected to a 10-paragraph detour through unsubstantiated allegations before the reporter finally states what most of us had by then figured out on our own:

Reached Tuesday, former Eureka City Councilman Chris Kerrigan said he and sitting Councilman Larry Glass met with Hansen at some point in or around the summer of 2008, while Kerrigan was still in office.

Uh, yeah.

Not only does Kerrigan not remember when the conversation took place, the article goes on to state that he also can’t recall what he did with information he was legally mandated to report.

One doesn’t know, and the other isn’t saying: Glass at least has enough sense to keep his mouth shut.

So does this mean Tyson is innocent of the allegations? Obviously not. No one other than he and Hansen know for sure. And if he is guilty, swift and appropriate consequences should follow.

But what we do now know is that the only people thus far vouching for the accuser are two political archenemies of the accused.

Not that politics could possibly be involved in any of this….

Babydaddy Edwards to admit paternity?

Edwards, left, and Kerrigan share a passion for politics, integrity and hair design.

Edwards, left, and Kerrigan share a passion for politics, personal integrity and hair design.

As a former aide prepares for publication of a tell-all book, national media outlets report perennial presidential candidate John Edwards has suddenly discovered a possible link between all that sex he had with former mistress Rielle Hunter and her previously baffling pregnancy.

Readers may recall Humboldt’s own Chris Kerrigan, himself no stranger to sexual intrigue, was so enamored of Edwards that he abandoned his position as a Eureka city councilman so he could assist the philanderer’s latest campaign.

After all that, Edwards, whose wife was and is dying of cancer, has finally succeeded in making a name for himself: Whether he acknowledges his paternity or not, he will long be remembered as one of the great schmucks in U.S. history.

We’re plotting our glorious return, and boy will it be mediocre!!

The irreverence you love…. The irrelevance you’ve come to expect….

That’s right, friends! Just as soon as we round up those lazy bastards from the Graphics Department, The Humboldt Mirror will reclaim its spotty reputation and half-hearted production schedule. Go ahead! Thank us!!

But this may take a while. Last we heard from those miscreant designers, they were muling transporting kush product for Chris Kerrigan’s latest failure venture. Let’s hope Chris is a better dealer agricultural retailer than campaign manager (although it’s statistically unlikely that he could be any worse).

So listen up, Graphics Department. We’ve got things to do, people to skewer, trouble to cause.  And how are we to do this without the highly stylized if somewhat predictable graphic content both of our readers have come to know and love? Hmm? How?

So come on home to the bugs. Put down that dank and crack open an honest, wholesome PBR. Think of the fun we’ll have, the shit we’ll disturb, the many seconds of entertainment we’ll provide.

And if that’s not working for you, think of the information we’ll turn over to your parole officers if you don’t.

Yeah. That information.

What?? You’re coming back? We’re delighted!!

See you very soon, friends!

Hugs!!

Clendenen campaign manager calls ventriloquism act ‘political theater’

Fortuna ventriloquist Bill Thorington, the somewhat stilted voice behind sideman Clif Clendenen, called managing the apple grower’s campaign for the Second District seat on the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors the “biggest challenge” of his professional career.

“Talk about a dummy,” Thorington said, shaking Clendenen’s head. “I’ve worked with sock puppets that knew more about the issues than this guy.”

Thorington said they tried running the real Clendenen for the seat, currently filled by Roger Rodoni, but after hours of instruction and public speaking classes, the candidate still sounded “uninformed, wooden and not completely human.”

Thorington credited Fourth District Supervisor Bonnie Neely with the idea of using a Clendenen puppet to run against Rodoni as political payback for the incumbent’s independent voting record.

“Bonnie was a godsend,” Thorington said, noting that Neely kicked off Clendenen’s campaign by assigning her own longtime political handler, Meghan Vogel, to file the necessary paperwork and put semi-intelligent words in the candidate’s mouth until management duties could be transferred to a professional ventriloquist.

Neely also made introductions between campaign staff and disgraced political has-been Richard Salzman, who helps produce much of the dialog for the act.

Additionally, Thorington said, the campaign was “indebted” to Neely for leaking county information to the duo so that Clendenen could appear better informed than he is or ever will be.

“That letter Clif suggested the county send to the Palco bankruptcy court, it looked an awful lot like the one the board proposed a couple days later, didn’t it?” Thorington asked, pulling strings in Clendenen’s back so that the candidate appeared to be winking and smiling.

When asked if it was appropriate for one supervisor to blatantly attempt to unseat another, Thorington replied without moving his lips.

“This is just political theater. None of it’s real. Besides, Roger dug his own grave. He should know better than to stand up to Neely or ‘vote his conscience’ or whatever crap he wants to call it. I can assure you the board will have no such difficulties with Clif.”

Former biased news reporter Estelle Fennell is also running for the second district seat. Insiders believe her campaign is unlikely to survive a primary challenge in June, when it will likely be revealed that Eureka City Councilman Chris Kerrigan is pimping a low-level associate from John Edwards’ failed presidential crusade to manage her campaign.

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