Ruh-roh, mofos: Clif-hanger in the Second?

The NCJ is reporting that there are more than 6,000 absentee ballots left to count, so we’ve got ourselves a bit of post-election suspense yet again. With Estelle and Clif separated by only a couple hundred votes, this thing could easily tip to the left.

Interesting to know. But functionally, if Clif did win, what would that change? It would be a 3-2 board instead of a 4-1 board. Nice, but perhaps not critical.

So stay tuned. We’ll get either a new 2nd District supervisor or an experienced one who has learned that spending three and a half years being a complete wank doesn’t exactly rally the base.

In post-election gesture of longing and loss, GPU Option A kisses its own sweet ass goodbye

Whoa, friends!

Fennell upsets the apple cart!!

Seidner gets Bohned!

Looks like there’s finally going to be a General Plan Update. And this is just a guess, but I don’t think our proggy friends are gonna like it one bit.

Hugs!!

Errant priorities leave Arcata area with two supervisors, Fortuna with none

Danger, danger. My campaign is tanking.

With an impending election just around the corner, it’s painfully clear that incumbent 2nd District Supervisor Clif Clendenen’s fundraising for his re-election campaign hasn’t yet taken off with any sort of urgency. A recent Times-Standard article reveals Fortuna’s cider king has spanged a little more than $13,000 during the most recent fundraising disclosure filing period. His challenger Estelle Fennell has raked in more than triple that with $47,000. That doesn’t bode well for the Clifster.

It’s also worth noting that Clendenen’s lack of any competitive monetary support this election go around from his 2nd District voters may very well be linked to his unfortunate choice to focus on issues important to fellow 3rd District Supervisor Mark Lovelace.

While steadfastly honoring his campaign pledge to maintain a pulse during his tenure in office since his election in 2008, it’s unclear what exactly Clif has done in the past 3 years for his own district.

Looking at today’s board agenda, Clif seemed incapable of mustering a single special presentation to steal valuable mic time from his fellow supervisors to let voters know there’s anything he cares about. Or pretends to care about. Fourth District Supervisor Virginia Bass was able to give the nod to “Library Week,” proclaim April as “Sexual Assault Awareness Month,” and even teamed with 1st District Jimmy Smith to recognize April as “National County Government Month.”

Perhaps signaling an end of his political value to Lovelace, Clif couldn’t even bandwagon his way onto Mark’s special  presentation recognizing April as “Grange Month.” Unfortunately for Clendenen there won’t be a runoff in November, so he wont be able to take full advantage of National Apple Month in October.

Neely for Congress, Gallegos for Assembly, Clendenen for Mayor McCheese?

Humboldt County politics: McFucked as usual.

Congresswoman Neely? Assemblyman Gallegos? Get ready for your election gossip roundup.

Word around town is that Bonnie Neely is itching to get back into the political game following her  ignominious defeat by Virginia Bass in November. But will she try to go from failed county supervisor to First District U.S. Congresswoman? An endorsement from Mike Thompson, who has announced his intention to run in the redrawn Fifith District, would be crucial.

And when Wes Chesbro term-limits out of the first Assembly district, what fresh young face do you think the Dems will put forward to take his place? We’re hearing it’s none other than District Attorney Paul Gallegos, empty-headed tool and possibly the worst thing ever to happen to the administration of justice in Humboldt County.

The good news is, he can’t possibly be a worse assemblyman than DA, and maybe we could then elect someone to the DA’s Office who wants more out of life than a well shined knob. We can hope for that, anyway.

As for Clif Clendenen, he said he would already be the head of McDonaldland except that in the last vote the Hamburglar stole the election.

Okay, not really.

DERAILED: Is ethics complaint the end of the line for Clendenen as NCRA director?

Supervisor Clif Clendenen's NCRA votes may come back to bite him in the caboose.

District 2 Supervisor Clif Clendenen is the subject of a fresh Fair Political Practices Commission complaint alleging the North Coast Railroad Authority director’s opposition to a revived rail system could possibly be related to the fact that the rail in question abuts his Fortuna property.

According to the complaint, the Clifster hasn’t been working against the railroad just to pass the time away:

Clif Clendenen continues to express his opposition to restoring freight rail service from Willits in Mendocino County Humboldt Bay. Instead he has informed his constituents that he favors ‘rail-banking’ that portion of the NCRA line through the Eel River canyon. Such a goal would eliminate nearly all of the freight traffic that would pass by Clendenen’s Cider Works thereby having an effect on the utility and value of the real property owned by Clif Clendenen’s family.

Clendenen, the Humboldt County Board of Supervisor’s lone NCRA representative, was named a director in January 2009, meaning he’s had only two and a half years to point out this potential conflict of interest.

Have you met Clif? That’s actually not very long for him. Like the blink of an eye.

But still. Busy man that he is, certainly he could have taken a minute to note that his opposition to a revived rail system could increase the value of his family’s property.

Click here to see a portion of the FPPC complaint. We’ll try to link up to the whole document later so you can decide for yourself whether Clif’s tenure as NCRA director should be fee-fi-fiddly-i-over.

Clif Clendenen surprise winner of ‘American Idle’

Well, it’s a surprise unless you happen to be one of his constituents. For 2nd District voters, it’s a performance they’ve come to expect.

"Thanks, Ryan. Let's see. This week I attended a fundraiser, although it was for me, and a barbecue, although I think that was at the fundraiser, and I went to a really boring meeting--wait, that was the fundraiser too. So that was my week."

Cleary finds a use for some of that money coming out his ass

How do we know this shit? Fucking Zoltar told us, okay? Give him your treasure. He has much wisdom and all that crap. But check out Cleary's next round of FPPC expenditure forms. You'll wonder why he didn't retain Zoltar instead.

One of the great things about small-town politics is the absence of high-powered, high-priced campaign management firms. Candidates pretty much across the board rely on local talent–up-and-comers or has-beens who typically bring more energy than expertise to the race.

But that’s all part of the fun. Neely had Vogel, and Clendenen used that ass-hat Bill Thorington (or vice versa). Gallegos hired Pete Nichols’ hot ex-wife. Hagen’s got Brinton lined up for the district attorney race. Bass and Owen are rocking that husband-wife thing, and Leonard’s attempt also appears to be a family affair.

So why, then, would Patrick Cleary, the carpetbagging rich guy running for the supervisorial seat to be vacated by Jill Duffy, feel the need to hire a professional political consulting, lobbying and campaign management firm from Sacramento?

A firm that has represented Lieutenant Governor John Garamendi?

And Assemblymembers Noreen Evans and Mark Leno?

Duffy&Capitolo [weird, but no relation] is a political campaign management and media firm. Our creative strategies and powerful advertising win elections and move public opinion. We are proud to work with Democratic candidates, progressive coalitions and public safety organizations. Our services include:

  • Production of direct mail, television and radio advertising
  • Message development, media relations and speechwriting
  • Voter targeting and campaign plan development
  • Endorsement strategy and coalition building
  • Management of fundraising and campaign finance specialists
  • Coordination and analysis of polling, focus groups and opposition research
  • Supervision of field staff and Get Out The Vote (GOTV) effort

Oh well. So much for that whole grassroots thing.

Progs propose new venue for Marina Center project review

“Yo, dawg, so check it out. I don’t know if it’s me or whatever, but I just totally wasn’t in love with that Interim Remedial Action Plan, you feel me? I mean, I liked it, yo. You see where I’m at? But I didn’t love it. I tried, but you know it was just kind of okay for me.”

Another starry-eyed

Just one more opportunity for the far left to act like it hasn't been included in the process.

News and not-news: It’s all very zen

Inclusionary Zoning, a land-use approach that attempts to increase affordable housing by making housing less affordable, was passed today by the Three Stooges on the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors.

Fourth District Supervisor Bonnie Neely led the fight, flanked by the Second District’s Clif Clendenen and the Third District’s Mark Lovelace.

Lovelace explained his vote by pointing to the successful implementation of Inclusionary Zoning in Arcata. Fifth District Supervisor Jill Duffy opposed the motion, noting that Arcata’s housing prices are now the highest in the county.

We would provide the link to the Times-Standard story–if there were a Times-Standard story. But while the county took this momentous turn for the worse, our only daily newspaper posted breaking news stories about Mexican drug law, a dead pop star’s birthday party and sexually active Lutheran clergy.

Thanks, guys! So awesome!! Way to keep your finger on the pulse.

UPDATE: So you’ll notice comments are closed on this post, and many comments have been deleted. We drew the line at the first threatening comment, and deleted everything below that. Because Mirror comments are not necessarily sequential, this resulted in the removal of some content from early today and some up until around 9:15 p.m., when the wheels came off the cart.

It is not cool to make menacing or threatening comments on this blog about anyone, ever. This is not the kind of forum we’re providing.  It’s okay to disagree–we value dissent–but threats are just stupid. The two of you involved in tonight’s incident have been blocked (which we realize reduces our readership by approximately 67%). Comments on this post will not be reopened.

County may trade in Neely in Cash for Clunkers exchange

3CH_Neely_Kohler

The future's so bright, she has to wear elbow-length rubber gloves.

The Humboldt County Board of Supervisors is considering an offer from the federal government that would put cash into county coffers in exchange for the retirement of forty-term supervisor Bonnie Neely.

The proposal is part of Cash for Clunkers, an incentive program designed to get old and inefficient politicians off the road.

Under the terms of the plan, the feds would pay the county $3,500 for the 60-year-old supervisor to retire, if the county replaces her with someone who works 5 percent harder than Neely, and $4,500 if the replacement’s work ethic is a 10 percent improvement.

Fortunately, said Neely, she has set the bar conveniently low.

“For the past year, I’ve done nothing for anyone, spent virtually no time in the office and only grudgingly dragged my ass in for board meetings, where I occupy much of my time texting Patty, Alex and Connie to arrange lunch and movie dates” she said. “Otherwise, I’m at home, working on fundraising, which is going not well at all, and dredging up new and increasingly compromised candidates to run in other districts.”

Other activities include the significant amount of time she spends sucking the left tit of the Blue Lake Rancheria, which is located in Jill Duffy’s Fifth District but in the last election cycle contributed $25,000 to Neely’s Fourth District campaign and $10,000 to Clif Clendenen in the Second District.

When asked if Neely was excited about the Cash for Clunkers proposal, longtime campaign manager and Impropriety Society dominatrix Meghan Vogel said the plan would save Neely the embarrassment of losing in the next election.

“No matter how hard she begs, she can’t get significant campaign cash commitments from anyone, other than the casino,” Vogel said. “If she did have to run again, our only hope would be a new fundraising strategy that would involve rolling Old Town drunks for change.”

Vogel added that at least Old Town is in Neely’s district.

“If that doesn’t work, she’s gone one way or the other,” the campaign manager said. “But it’s not like she hasn’t had other offers. Patty’s been trying for years to get Bonnie to work for her. Patty isn’t getting any younger, you know, and she has such a hard time keeping that big house clean all by herself.”

Dance on with your pants on

Please. Keep your pants on. Please. Your elfin junk tank is freaking us out.

Wait just a minute–Who are those gorgeous dancing partners?

Well I’ll be go to hell. They sure got them some fine looking womens in Ireland.

Humboldt County takes vacation from Mark Lovelace

Humboldt County is taking a much-needed break from Third District Supervisor Mark Lovelace, who is traveling with his family in Ireland.

For three whole weeks, county residents will have a reprieve from Lovelace’s arrogance, his incessant self-promotion and his permanently reserved booster seat at Applebees.

His co-workers reacted quickly to the news.

“Well pinch my squid and call me Charlie,” said one courthouse employee. “Who says dreams don’t come true?”

“Oh thank fuck,” said Fifth District Supervisor Clif Clendenen. “Now I can put on my down vest and go stand by the river with that vacant, slightly creepy look on my face and not worry about the little prick calling at all hours to tell me what to do.”

Lovelace also was clearly enjoying himself.

“This place is great,” he said in an exclusive e-mail exchange with the Humboldt Mirror. “Nice people, beautiful country. I’ve been giving the inhabitants a few pointers about how to live their lives and protect their environment. They’re really interested and receptive. It‘s like all ich bin ein Dubliner and shit, you know?”

“He’s a strange bit of yank, that one,” said Dublin resident Seamus McDinkle. “No one wants to get thick wit’ him, but he stopped talkin’ of his self just the once, and that was t’ ask where Enya lived.”

McDinkle said that if Lovelace could keep his mouth shut for even 50 or 60 seconds, “I think we could shave them arse hairs from his chin and knit them into a wee sweater, which we would then shove clean down his throat t’ cork him.”

Lovelace said he will continue on to Northern Ireland, where he hopes to sit down with Gerry Adams and Bono to take “an unbiased but really very super intelligent not to mention smart and intelligent” outsider’s view of the Good Friday Agreement and its role in stream bank erosion.

“I’m a uniter. I’m a healer,” he said. “I’m like the Verne Troyer of international diplomacy, only without the weird-ass sex tape that went viral on the internet.”

McDinkle added that the next village up the road had prepared for Lovelace’s visit by adapting for him a special version of a classic Irish song. “They’re calling it ‘When Irish Ears Are Bleeding,’” he said.

War of words continues in electoral haiku contest

Second and Third District candidates for the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors showed off their verbal wizardry Thursday at a competitive poetry jam attended by hundreds of potential voters.

But the event, sponsored by the League of Women Poets, wasn’t all fun and games.

The poetry jam raised almost a dollar for the Perpetual Campaign to Continuously Re-elect Bonnie Neely, which was apparently in need of both an envelope and a stamp so that the six-term supervisor could at long last respond to Third District candidate Bryan Plumley’s request for a meeting.

But it was another Third District candidate, Paul Pitino, who walked off with the event’s grand prize for this piece:

“No contributions
And no campaign endorsements
Maybe not so smart”

League President Marsha McBusybody called all of the haiku “powerful,” but said Pitino’s was especially moving.

“Like all great art, Paul’s work was transcendent,” McBusybody said. “In a very few words, we were made to understand the smallness of man, the vastness of his ambition and the vividly distinct possibility that Paul Pitino will mow lawns for a living until the day he dies.”

The other electoral haiku are listed below in alphabetical order by the candidate’s last name.

I love Indians
Local Solutions bought me
Blue Lake paid the bill

-Clif Clendenen, Second District

 

Unemployed DJ
Seventy thousand a year
Buys a lot of weed

-Estelle Fennell, Second District

 

Need a real job
Plan B is running Palco
I’d suck at that too

-Mark Lovelace, Third District

 

What sets me apart?
A Democrat with a job
Rare in Arcata

-Bryan Plumley, Third District

 

Hey you two-bit whores
Want to talk about apples?
Mine are fucking huge

-Roger Rodoni, Second District

Fifth District Indian casino kicks down major wampum to Clendenen’s Second District campaign

The Blue Lake Casino, patron rancheria of Bonnie Neely’s most recent re-election campaign, gave a sack full of bingo money to Clif Clendenen, the candidate Neely chose to replace her Board of Supervisors sparring partner Second District incumbent Roger Rodoni.

In a news release issued the day before the most recent round of campaign contributions was made public, Clendenen praised “the generosity expressed by the people of the district,” while carefully omitting the fact that the district in question wasn’t his.

The Blue Lake Casino, located in Supervisor Jill Geist’s Fifth District, accounted for $10,000 of the $13,683 Clendenen raised in the three-and-a-half month period ending March 17.

The Eureka Reporter notes that of that amount, Clendenen paid $800 to Neely’s longtime campaign manager Meghan Vogel, whom Neely ham-handedly dispatched to Fortuna late last year in an attempt to unseat Rodoni.

In 2006, the casino gave Third District Supervisor Neely $25,000 in her slim victory over former Eureka Mayor and current Rio Dell City Manager Nancy Flemming.

In the most recent contribution cycle, Clendenen was able to squeeze cash out of only 10 additional contributors, at least a few of whom appear to actually reside within his district.

Clendenen issues new press release about nothing

Fortuna apple grower and candidate for the Second District seat on the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors Clif Clendenen issued a press release late Saturday stating that he is in fact still alive and continues to have deeply felt if somewhat inarticulate positions on issues of profound importance to county residents.

“What happened was we got together and cut some bits and pieces from Clif’s previous 50 press releases, pasted them back together in no particular order and then faxed and e-mailed the resulting jumble of pleasant but vacuous thoughts to around 700 people who all promptly threw it in the trash where it belongs,” said Clendenen media adviser David Jervis.

“It had something to do with reaching out, tapping resources and offering solutions,” Jervis said. “Fuck if I know, really. The guy’s a complete stick and we just keep issuing this shit because whenever we put him in front of a live audience we totally regret it.”

Jervis added that he didn’t think even Clendenen read the press statements.

“But he keeps them all in a leather binder that occupies a prominent position on his mantel. He’s extremely proud of the fact that (Fourth District Supervisor) Bonnie Neely picked him, out of all the inoffensive tools in Humboldt County, to attempt to settle her political scores with Roger Rodoni.”

The latest release expressed unequivocal support for solving problems, working together and doing something to disguise the vaguely psychotic look Clendenen always has on his face.

The candidate cares deeply about both puppies and orphans, and has proposed a bold plan to end homelessness by finding homes for people who don’t have them, according to the press release.

He is firmly pro-democracy, anti-genocide, and believes there ought to be laws against most of the things there are laws against.

For additional information about his campaign, or to pick up one of his popular campaign bumper stickers (“Not Roger and Not Gay”), phone his campaign hotline at 445-7715.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 54 other followers