What’s this in our mailbox? (Part III)

To: Humboldt Mirror
From: bluelakepd@aol.com

Yo yo bug homes, what up? Jus got back from So Cal. Wuz hangin with the hotties and muling some off-market Lunesta from TJ. Gotta help the girlz getta good nights sleep, no what I mean? Heh heh.

So, jus wanted to give yuz a shout out for keepin it real and shit thru all that court BS. Gotta quick trip to the iron city to chill with the space dockers, but its all kool yo. Back out in no time and we’ll be chillin with some porn and PBR like in the day. Remind me to send that fucktard Gayegos a thank you card.

Moms sez hi,
DG

Today in awesomeness

Former Blue Lake police chief David Gundersen is in the wind after blowing off a court appearance Wednesday, Times-Standard ace reporter Thad Greenson went all the way to Long Beach to write about men’s restroom conversions, and a new clothing store in Fortuna was treated to the most ass-mangled headline we’ve seen in a long time.

Awesome!! We love today.

Lunesta stocks surge on word of Gundersen release

Pharmaceutical company Sepracor, manufacturer of the popular sleep aid Lunesta, saw its stock value jump by more than 5 percent Tuesday morning, hours after investors learned that former Blue Lake police chief David Gundersen had been released from jail on bond.

The stock spike followed Wall Street’s worst single-day sell-off in U.S. history.

“I don’t know who this douchebag Gundersen guy is,” said one trader, “but there’s no denying he’s like a one-man economic bailout plan.

“Get it?” the trader laughed. “Bail out?”

But analysts were not entirely amused.

“Sepracor isn’t out of the woods yet,” one noted. “If that glutton-for-punishment backwoods district attorney elects to proceed on the other rape charge, Gundersen could return to custody, which would crater–albeit briefly–demand for the company’s flagship product.”

Gallegos found guilty of wankering another big case

In a related development, former Blue Lake police chief David Gundersen was found not guilty of raping his most recent wife.

A big cheer anyway for our idiot district attorney.

We say “douche,” you say “bag.”

DOUCHE.

Well that’s the last time we hire THAT blogsitter…

Can’t a couple of invertebrates take a nice family vacation once in a while?

What… the… eff??

So we hired a supposed professional to keep an eye on the Mirror in our absence, and what does he do? Drinks all our PBR, walks off with our porn stash, and uses up all our buy-one-get-one-free pizza coupons.

Death to the infidel!!

But we’ve enjoyed reading all of the comments and rank insults that piled up in our absence. The blog world, as expected, seems to have got on grandly without us.

But we’re back now and looking forward to catching up on local news.

Let’s see. When we left there was Gundersen, Palco, and people speculating about Heraldo’s identity. Now it seems that there is Gundersen, Palco, and people speculating about Heraldo’s identity.

Did we miss ANYTHING???

Anyhoo, as you can tell, we ran into some friends while we were out and about. It truly is a small world after all.

Hugs!

Humboldt Mirror buggers Gundersen case?

An e-mail from an informed tipster reveals that among the many exhibits attached to the change of venue motion in the trial of former Blue Lake police chief David Gundersen are several completely fabricated “news stories” that appeared originally on the Humboldt Mirror.

Admittedly, it’s hard not to be entertained by the thought of a judge in the due process of making weighty legal decisions poring over some of our offerings.

But still. Defense attorney Russ Clanton is one desperate hombre if his case hinges on persuading a court that anything entitled “Police Chief Denies Spousal Rape Accusation, Says Two Were Never Married,” or “Police Chief Pleads Not Guilty to Spousal Rape, Requests Valentine’s Day Conjugal with Wife” might influence the outcome of a serious criminal case.

Confirmed: Gundersen attorney desperately seeking venue change

Local defense attorney Russ Clanton confirmed Friday that he is seeking a more hospitable venue for the trial of former Blue Lake Police Chief David Gundersen, who remains in custody on 30 felony charges related to his alleged drugging and raping of a handful of his current and former wives.

Clanton said he chose July 4 to confirm the rumors District Attorney Paul Gallegos had leaked to the Times-Standard earlier last week because of the day’s symbolism, and because the terms of Clanton’s retainer allow him to bill double-time on national holidays.

Clanton added that he had made a list of venues in which he believes the alleged crimes of his client would be more favorably viewed.

These include 17th-Century New England, Warren Jeffs’ polygamist ranch, the movie set of “Super Troopers,” and in whatever jurisdiction Gallegos is vacationing during the trial.

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