What’s this in our mailbox? (Part III)

To: Humboldt Mirror
From: bluelakepd@aol.com

Yo yo bug homes, what up? Jus got back from So Cal. Wuz hangin with the hotties and muling some off-market Lunesta from TJ. Gotta help the girlz getta good nights sleep, no what I mean? Heh heh.

So, jus wanted to give yuz a shout out for keepin it real and shit thru all that court BS. Gotta quick trip to the iron city to chill with the space dockers, but its all kool yo. Back out in no time and we’ll be chillin with some porn and PBR like in the day. Remind me to send that fucktard Gayegos a thank you card.

Moms sez hi,
DG

Today in awesomeness

Former Blue Lake police chief David Gundersen is in the wind after blowing off a court appearance Wednesday, Times-Standard ace reporter Thad Greenson went all the way to Long Beach to write about men’s restroom conversions, and a new clothing store in Fortuna was treated to the most ass-mangled headline we’ve seen in a long time.

Awesome!! We love today.

Lunesta stocks surge on word of Gundersen release

Pharmaceutical company Sepracor, manufacturer of the popular sleep aid Lunesta, saw its stock value jump by more than 5 percent Tuesday morning, hours after investors learned that former Blue Lake police chief David Gundersen had been released from jail on bond.

The stock spike followed Wall Street’s worst single-day sell-off in U.S. history.

“I don’t know who this douchebag Gundersen guy is,” said one trader, “but there’s no denying he’s like a one-man economic bailout plan.

“Get it?” the trader laughed. “Bail out?”

But analysts were not entirely amused.

“Sepracor isn’t out of the woods yet,” one noted. “If that glutton-for-punishment backwoods district attorney elects to proceed on the other rape charge, Gundersen could return to custody, which would crater–albeit briefly–demand for the company’s flagship product.”

Gallegos found guilty of wankering another big case

In a related development, former Blue Lake police chief David Gundersen was found not guilty of raping his most recent wife.

A big cheer anyway for our idiot district attorney.

We say “douche,” you say “bag.”

DOUCHE.

Well that’s the last time we hire THAT blogsitter…

Can’t a couple of invertebrates take a nice family vacation once in a while?

What… the… eff??

So we hired a supposed professional to keep an eye on the Mirror in our absence, and what does he do? Drinks all our PBR, walks off with our porn stash, and uses up all our buy-one-get-one-free pizza coupons.

Death to the infidel!!

But we’ve enjoyed reading all of the comments and rank insults that piled up in our absence. The blog world, as expected, seems to have got on grandly without us.

But we’re back now and looking forward to catching up on local news.

Let’s see. When we left there was Gundersen, Palco, and people speculating about Heraldo’s identity. Now it seems that there is Gundersen, Palco, and people speculating about Heraldo’s identity.

Did we miss ANYTHING???

Anyhoo, as you can tell, we ran into some friends while we were out and about. It truly is a small world after all.

Hugs!

Humboldt Mirror buggers Gundersen case?

An e-mail from an informed tipster reveals that among the many exhibits attached to the change of venue motion in the trial of former Blue Lake police chief David Gundersen are several completely fabricated “news stories” that appeared originally on the Humboldt Mirror.

Admittedly, it’s hard not to be entertained by the thought of a judge in the due process of making weighty legal decisions poring over some of our offerings.

But still. Defense attorney Russ Clanton is one desperate hombre if his case hinges on persuading a court that anything entitled “Police Chief Denies Spousal Rape Accusation, Says Two Were Never Married,” or “Police Chief Pleads Not Guilty to Spousal Rape, Requests Valentine’s Day Conjugal with Wife” might influence the outcome of a serious criminal case.

Confirmed: Gundersen attorney desperately seeking venue change

Local defense attorney Russ Clanton confirmed Friday that he is seeking a more hospitable venue for the trial of former Blue Lake Police Chief David Gundersen, who remains in custody on 30 felony charges related to his alleged drugging and raping of a handful of his current and former wives.

Clanton said he chose July 4 to confirm the rumors District Attorney Paul Gallegos had leaked to the Times-Standard earlier last week because of the day’s symbolism, and because the terms of Clanton’s retainer allow him to bill double-time on national holidays.

Clanton added that he had made a list of venues in which he believes the alleged crimes of his client would be more favorably viewed.

These include 17th-Century New England, Warren Jeffs’ polygamist ranch, the movie set of “Super Troopers,” and in whatever jurisdiction Gallegos is vacationing during the trial.

Gundersen got way more action than previously believed

Former Blue Lake Police Chief David Gundersen was charged Monday with 14 additional counts of spousal rape, bringing to 24 the total number of rape charges against him.

According to documents filed by Humboldt County District Attorney Paul Gallegos, Gundersen has officially, albeit illegally, gotten laid twice as often as anyone we know.

We’d be jealous if it weren’t so, you know, gross.

Blue Lake’s entire police force now on paid administrative leave

In yet another sign of the managerial buffoonery for which the city of Blue Lake is now widely known, the city’s two remaining police officers have been placed on administrative leave by City Mismanager Wiley Buck, just days after they signed a letter of no confidence in Buck’s disastrous administration.

But wait, Buck told the Times-Standard. The timing of the events is completely coincidental! Really!!

“Don’t tie those together,” he said. “They are two separate issues that are unfortunately happening at the same time.”

Mayor Sherman Schapiro, using a curious turn of phrase, backed up Buck’s assertion.

The officers were sidelined due to liability issues, Schapiro said, because the city doesn’t “have anyone in charge who is intimate with police work.”

It may be worth noting that the city has been without its famously intimate police chief for nine weeks now, but Buck didn’t force the two officers to step down until five days after they announced they would submit the no-confidence letter.

Still, as one observer noted in a previous thread, this fluke correlation of events is among the least of Blue Lake residents’ concerns.

Much higher on the list is the fact that residents are now paying four police officers full time for exactly no policing.

We feel safe just thinking about it!!

Blue Lake City Council shows some sack

But just a little, really. Next to none, now that we think about it.

Blue Lake Police Chief David Gundersen will get the boot—but not until May 5.

What the fuck?

Whether he raped anyone or not is, at this point, almost irrelevant to his employment status. So many other confirmed improprieties have surfaced during the course of the rape investigation that he could never again have the confidence of the public.

Our tax dollars are already providing his room and board, his safety, his medical care, his prosecution and even his attractive orange jumpsuit. So why do we need to continue paying him for another three weeks?

Related posts:

-At this point, we would definitely consider a name change
-Police chief pleads not guilty to spousal rape, requests Valentine’s Day conjugal with wife
-Police chief denies spousal rape accusation, says two were never married

At this point, we would definitely consider a name change

The aura of weird surrounding the David Gundersen rape case veered toward bizarre last week when the Times-Standard identified Margaret Gundersen as the driver of a vehicle that ran over and severely injured a 16-year-old McKinleyville High School student who was reportedly lying in a dark roadway near the school.

Those whose memories were not erased by Mandrake the Magician’s considerable powers will recognize Margaret, 48, as the ex-wife of Blue Lake Police Chief David Gundersen, who is accused of repeatedly drugging and raping both her and a younger replacement wife over a 10-year period.

The injured teen, identified as Stuart Christopher, has undergone a series of operations at UC Davis Medical Center in Sacramento to repair a shattered femur and broken hip. He is expected to recover.

District Attorney Paul Gallegos admitted he publicly disclosed the names of the two alleged rape victims when placed a series of unedited documents, including the confidentiality request filed by one of the women, into David Gundersen’s public file.

While a Christopher family spokesman now says the teen may have been walking in the roadway, not lying down, when he was hit, Margaret, a clerk at the Sheriff Office’s McKinleyville substation, passed a field sobriety test and has not been charged with or accused of any wrongdoing.

Blue Lake slips motto contest into city council agenda

In the wake of increasingly lurid allegations of misconduct against jailed Police Chief David Gundersen, the city of Blue Lake is quietly seeking suggestions for a new motto to replace “Blue Lake: Where sunshine and sea air meet.”

Gundersen was arrested in February after his current wife, not to be confused with his ex-wife or live-in girlfriend, informed sheriff’s deputies that her husband repeatedly drugged her with the prescription sleep aid Ambien in order to have sex with her.

Similar complaints dating back as much as ten years have been made by the other two women, who are not to be confused with the wife who made the allegations last month.

Numerous weapons, including an automatic rifle and a handgun with a silencer, were removed from Gundersen’s home.

Then on Wednesday the Times-Standard reported that 27 fully automatic machine guns were seized from the Blue Lake department. Two of the guns were hastily returned by the Rio Dell Police Department, which had borrowed the weapons from Gundersen more or less for fun, since it too doesn’t have a SWAT team or the required training or protocols in place to use or even possess the weapons.

Blue Lake Mayor Sherman Schapiro told the Humboldt Mirror it was the city manager’s job to oversee the police department, while City Manager Wiley Buck said the mayor is ultimately responsible for the misdeeds of city employees.

Buck cited in his defense the change approved in 2005 by the Blue Lake council to the city’s policy against having sex-crazed gun-nuts in a position of authority over their sleep-deprived wives.

But the two men agreed, according to the most recent council agenda, that a motto contest was “an important first step in the healing process.”

So what do you say, Mirrorites? Let’s hear your suggestions. Let the healing begin!!

Related posts:
Police chief pleads not guilty to spousal rape, requests Valentine’s Day conjugal with wife
Police chief denies spousal rape accusation, says two were never married

Police chief pleads not guilty to spousal rape, requests Valentine’s Day conjugal with wife

Blue Lake Police Chief David Gundersen pleaded not guilty Wednesday to 12 counts of raping his wife while she was drugged or intoxicated, and filed a motion through his attorney requesting a conjugal visit with his unidentified spouse in celebration of Valentine’s Day.

Westhaven defense attorney Russ Clanton, who filed the emergency order, said he did so “on behalf of husbands and wives everywhere. “

“I see nothing in any of these charges that suggests to me the chief shouldn’t be allowed to celebrate this important holiday in the usual way,” Clanton said.

While he acknowledged that most married couples spend Valentine’s Day engaging in masturbatory fantasies about people on TV, Clanton said the Gundersen marriage was different.

“The chief and his wife engaged in frequent and entirely consensual sexual activity, which was intimate in nature and certainly not criminal.”

Clanton characterized the couple’s sexual contact as “a specialized form of playing doctor—first he played anesthesiologist, and then he played gynecologist. He should be facing board certification, not a dozen rape charges.”

In a related move, Clanton requested that the judge be given enough sleeping pills and cheap Chablis that the “court would be rendered incapable of refusing my client’s unwanted legal demands.”

The motion is scheduled to be heard today in Humboldt County Superior Court.

Related post: Chief denies spousal rape accusation, says two were never married

Police chief denies spousal rape accusation, says two were never married

The embattled chief of the Blue Lake Police Department issued a strongly worded statement Sunday night stating that he is “completely innocent” of spousal rape because he is not married to the woman he drugged and sexually assaulted.

David Gundersen, 53, was arrested Friday in McKinleyville on suspicion of drugging and raping a woman identified only as his “wife,” who is said to be a Blue Lake police sergeant.

In Gundersen’s first public statement, he wrote, “I have every confidence that I will be vindicated of these baseless charges, and I challenge those who now seek to smear my name to produce a single shred of proof that I am in any way ‘married’ to the woman I raped.”

Gundersen went on to say that “concealed beneath” the rape accusations is an “elaborately orchestrated plan” to prove a violation of the department’s policy prohibiting nepotism.

“I am fully cognizant of the seriousness of that claim,” he wrote, “and am prepared to provide clear and convincing proof that I am completely innocent of improperly hiring and promoting anyone.”

Reached by phone late Saturday, Jeffrey Schwartz, Gundersen’s defense attorney and part-time Sizzler hostess, said allegations such as this are not uncommon in a small town.

“We don’t have the luxury of six degrees of separation in a population this size,” Schwartz said. “It’s not uncommon to go around hiring, promoting and raping all kinds of people only to find out later that you’re actually married to them.”

But the former deputy district attorney said that in this case that simply didn’t occur. “I’d go so far as to bet a free trip through the salad bar that David is absolved of all charges,” he said.

Gundersen remained in custody on $500,000 bail.

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