Report: Atkins would suspend campaign, if she had one

In a show of solidarity with East Coast Democrats hit hard by Hurricane Sandy, City Councilwoman Linda Atkins announced today that she would suspend her re-election campaign, if she had one.

Linda Atkins stole this jacket from Virginia Bass.

“Yeah, big whoop, I know,” Atkins said. “I could actually give a shit about New York, but fuck. I had to do something to get my name in the paper, you know?”

Atkins explained. “Everyone’s all, ‘Oh yeah, Linda, run for re-election, Linda, we need you,’ but then no one gives me shit for money and my dumb ass is out there raffling off the six fucking lawn signs I could afford to make and having to fabricate BS stories so people will remember I exist.”

Atkins previously made headlines by stating that Sandy would make a “direct hit” on Eureka after annihilating Des Moines, Salt Lake and Carson City. She pointed to predictions by federal weather officials that temperatures in Eureka would likely plunge into the low- to mid-40s around Humboldt Bay overnight. Residents would also battle “perfect storm” conditions as winds — expected to gust upwards of 14 mph — combined with as much as .14 inches of rain. Micro-flooding and damp vegetation would impact many low lying areas or lawn with poor drainage.

“Okay, whatever,” Atkins said. “I would just like to point out to all the people out there who say I don’t do nothing but grandstand around and bitch about whatever the other councilmembers do that, okay, there’s some truth to that, but there’s also some truth to there hasn’t been a single hurricane to hit Eureka since I was elected, okay?” she said. “So suck on that.”

“Wonder L” Atkins feeding re-election campaign with superhero-size diet of bullshit

“Wonder L” Atkins

Holy irony Batman!

Eureka City Councilwoman Linda Atkins is launching her re-election campaign with a ruse that it will take a concerted effort from “all of us” to make a change in the Eureka community.

(By “all of us” she kinda sorta means a minority of the progressive people she represents and one particular businessman willing to throw tens of thousands of dollars anywhere in the county every few election cycles to make sure Eureka’s landscape remains economically friendly to his bottom line.)

Atkins’ campaign website says the “2010 elections reminded us that money CAN really buy elections, but in our small city; Linda Atkins thinks that PEOPLE can and will begin to take our city back this year.”

Shit yeah! No doubt she’ll be counting on two particular “PEOPLE” in 2012 to pay for her re-election.

A Times-Standard article published a month before she was elected in 2008 highlighted “how a few big donors could change the dynamics of an election” and “show how money from outside city limits can play a sizable role in the race for Eureka’s council seats.”

The T-S pointed out that it was Atkins and failed progressive candidate George Clark who were the biggest beneficiaries of said money. There was $9,000 from Pierson Building Supply owner Bill Pierson and $2,250 from McKinleyville resident Ken Miller.

Go figure.

Merry Christmas, Eureka (and Happy New Year)!

The Humboldt Mirror welcomes the new Eureka City Council.

Ralph Faust asks Coastal Commission to stop cleanup of Balloon Track–with meaningless updates

Fuck all y'all.

And he reportedly did so, unlike in this photo, with a completely straight face.

Not that any of this is funny in the usual sense of the word. None of those pull-my-finger or naughty limerick jokes for him, the old coot.

No, with this appeal Faust definitely employs the stodgier ironic form–on multiple levels and to breathtaking effect.

We begin with the obvious: Faust, who works as an environmental attorney, is asking the Coastal Commission to prevent the cleanup of a contaminated former railyard from which toxins flow persistently into Humboldt Bay.

Then there’s the Coastal Commission itself, which was Faust’s employer for more than 20 years. He rose to the rank of chief counsel before a brief but memorably disreputable stint as Humboldt’s interim county counsel.

Handing him that gig on a golden platter was none other than Bonnie Neely, who now chairs the same organization to which Faust is appealing.

Which brings us to Faust’s self-righteous statements to his fellow planning commissioners just one week ago about recusing himself from discussion of three Arkley projects. Faust insisted he had always treated Arkley right but was selflessly stepping back from the projects to save the county time and money.

What a guy! Six days later he appealed the Eureka City Council’s approval of the interim cleanup which, if successful, would grind Arkley’s Marina Center development to a halt.

Have we left anything out?

Maybe just this: Faust, the man who purports to save Eurekans from the horrors of a nontoxic waterfront, carpetbagged his angry inch up here from San Francisco fewer than three years ago. He does not live–and in fact he has never lived–in or even near the city of Eureka.

Awesome!!

Meaningless Update 1: Today’s Times-Standard contains a longer list of appellants in a story we would link to if we could find it online.
Meaningless Update 2: Bastards finally put the story up online this afternoon. Read your merry ass off here.
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