Hislop and Gallegos: Two peas in a sociopathic pod

Incidents of honesty and integrity during the Gallegos administration are too rare to be considered statistically meaningful.

For those of you who were wowed by sheriff candidate Mike Hislop’s impressive curriculum vitae, you might have to find something new to love. In a news release last week, Hislop all but fessed up to previously fudging his academic credentials.

Whereas his ballot statement boasts of “four (4) college degrees, two in criminal justice,” and states that he is a graduate of the National Fire Academy, the new number slips to three under closer scrutiny, and that business with the fire academy is dropped altogether.

But is Mike-O the Psycho the only resumé padder out there?

Please, people. This is Humboldt County.

Pathological Paul Gallegos, Hislop’s boss, has been running around for months describing himself as a “professor” at HSU. In fact, he is an occasional guest lecturer. Probably something lower-division. Hopefully not Ethics. We realize Gags is stupid, but even stupid people know what a professor is and can recognize that he is not one.

More recently, at a public appearance over the weekend, the Gagster talked about his experience working as a deputy district attorney in Los Angeles County.

Hey Pauli Girl–little heads up, bro? Phone calls have been made. Several. Turns out people know people who know people. That sort of thing. And guess what? No one in the Los Angeles County DA’s Office seems to have heard of you.

Well–okay. No one except the guy who asked if you were the moron who plagiarized a guy who actually is a law professor.

Nice!

Gallegos found guilty of wankering another big case

In a related development, former Blue Lake police chief David Gundersen was found not guilty of raping his most recent wife.

A big cheer anyway for our idiot district attorney.

We say “douche,” you say “bag.”

DOUCHE.

And now a few words from the Too Goddamn Much Information department

At the end of an otherwise uninspired account of the trial of former Blue Lake Police Chief David Gundersen, the Times-Standard quoted District Attorney Paul Gallegos making the following candid admission:

“I don’t get to have sex with my wife whenever she doesn’t say ‘no.’”

While you take a moment to let that sink in, let’s go multiple choice to see if we can come up with an appropriate context for this startlingly personal remark.

Without referring to the article, was our illustrious district attorney:

  • A. complaining
  • B. man-talking with his buds over shots at the Shanty
  • C. discussing a law he’d like to challenge with another of his groundbreaking lawsuits
  • D. interrogating an alleged victim of a felony
  • E. none of the above.

That’s right!! The correct answer is E–none of the above. Gallegos actually plagiarized the remark from a Jodie Foster film in an attempt to appeal to female voters.

So awesome. Chick-flicks rule!!

Happy birthday, Rose!!

Okay, okay.

Maybe it’s not that funny when a duly elected district attorney misleads a criminal grand jury in order to get an indictment against two police officers–and not funnier still when, after being brutally bitch-slapped by a judge, said district attorney says he needs to think about whether he should continue his campaign of harassment.

But whenever we hear the words “Paul Gallegos” and “unprecedented legal theory” in the same sentence, we know there’s a punchline coming eventually.

You just gotta wait for it…

and wait…

and wait.

After all this time, what we get is another Gallegos moment, another unprecedented, groundbreaking, bullshit case tossed long before it ever gets to trial.

In his ruling Tuesday, Judge Feeney said Gallegos provided inadequate instructions to the grand jury, omitted exculpatory information, lacked sufficient evidence to prevail at trial, and did not appear to understand the legal significance of exigent circumstances.

Feeney added that Gallegos’ case was so weak, he was not persuaded Cheri Lyn Moore was even dead, and for all he knew “could be working the deli counter at Winco.”

Alright, alright. We made that last part up.

But this latest debacle raises a number of serious questions, not the least of which is this stumper:

Why is Gallegos always trying to create new law when he obviously has so little interest in enforcing the laws that actually do exist?

Confirmed: Gundersen attorney desperately seeking venue change

Local defense attorney Russ Clanton confirmed Friday that he is seeking a more hospitable venue for the trial of former Blue Lake Police Chief David Gundersen, who remains in custody on 30 felony charges related to his alleged drugging and raping of a handful of his current and former wives.

Clanton said he chose July 4 to confirm the rumors District Attorney Paul Gallegos had leaked to the Times-Standard earlier last week because of the day’s symbolism, and because the terms of Clanton’s retainer allow him to bill double-time on national holidays.

Clanton added that he had made a list of venues in which he believes the alleged crimes of his client would be more favorably viewed.

These include 17th-Century New England, Warren Jeffs’ polygamist ranch, the movie set of “Super Troopers,” and in whatever jurisdiction Gallegos is vacationing during the trial.

Gallegos lawsuit supremely hosed by California’s highest court

Humboldt County District Attorney Paul Gallegos extended an already impressive losing streak of appellate decisions in his lawsuit against the Pacific Lumber Company when the California Supreme Court denied on Wednesday his fourth—and final—appeal of the case.

“I know a lot of people out there are saying I’m a choad and a fucktard for losing this case yet again, but I don’t see it that way at all,” Gallegos said. “I actually think I broke important new ground by proving over and over again what a sound legal argument is not.”

The district attorney said he remains hopeful that important legislative changes will result from the suit.

“What I need are some laws that allow me to successfully sue people simply because I feel like it. I mean, you’ve seen how I operate in criminal court, right? Like that, only with bullshit lawsuits instead of bullshit criminal charges.”

But Gallegos acknowledged that he had exhausted all legal remedies, and his prospects at this point were limited.

“Clearly the only appeal I have left is my sex appeal, which has receded in recent years along with my hairline.”

When contacted for a response, Palco attorney Frank Bacik stopped laughing long enough to say he was “pleased the case is resolved.”

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