Linda Atkins’ sparkling personality continues to light our path

Pretty in Pink (photo credit: The Eureka Times-Standard)

Pretty in Pink (photo credit: The Eureka Times-Standard)

Aah, Linda Atkins, gracious even in victory. Humboldt County’s most unlikable politician demonstrates yet again why a man no one ever heard of before came within 300 votes of unseating her miserable ass.

According to the Times-Standard, while being sworn in Tuesday for her second term, Atkins said she was glad the “hideous campaign” was over. She followed this up with some equivalently tone-deaf remarks about the superiority of her campaign.

She apparently didn’t say anything about her former opponent’s nefariously round signs, but we’re sure that continues to stick in her throat, along with all of the expressions of human warmth and decency she can’t bring herself to utter.

WHOOPS: Bugs misread election results, not that it matters…

Evidently when reading election results, one should read the entire line, not just one part. For a few minutes there, we thought and reported that Joe Bonino was up by 50, when as one anonymous noted, he’s actually down by 208 as the Times-Standard reported last night.

That whole contest, though, kind of left me scratching my head. Why does it matter? Key votes will continue to be 4-1, whereas if Bonino had won they would instead be 5-0. I believe the term for this is functional equivalency.

That said, is the race over? Are all the votes counted? Even if there was a sack of uncounted votes somewhere, it seems like a deficiency of 208 would be a hard corner to turn.

Anyway. Maybe Linda Atkins’ “She’s Disagreeable” platform resonated with voters after all.

Report: Atkins would suspend campaign, if she had one

In a show of solidarity with East Coast Democrats hit hard by Hurricane Sandy, City Councilwoman Linda Atkins announced today that she would suspend her re-election campaign, if she had one.

Linda Atkins stole this jacket from Virginia Bass.

“Yeah, big whoop, I know,” Atkins said. “I could actually give a shit about New York, but fuck. I had to do something to get my name in the paper, you know?”

Atkins explained. “Everyone’s all, ‘Oh yeah, Linda, run for re-election, Linda, we need you,’ but then no one gives me shit for money and my dumb ass is out there raffling off the six fucking lawn signs I could afford to make and having to fabricate BS stories so people will remember I exist.”

Atkins previously made headlines by stating that Sandy would make a “direct hit” on Eureka after annihilating Des Moines, Salt Lake and Carson City. She pointed to predictions by federal weather officials that temperatures in Eureka would likely plunge into the low- to mid-40s around Humboldt Bay overnight. Residents would also battle “perfect storm” conditions as winds — expected to gust upwards of 14 mph — combined with as much as .14 inches of rain. Micro-flooding and damp vegetation would impact many low lying areas or lawn with poor drainage.

“Okay, whatever,” Atkins said. “I would just like to point out to all the people out there who say I don’t do nothing but grandstand around and bitch about whatever the other councilmembers do that, okay, there’s some truth to that, but there’s also some truth to there hasn’t been a single hurricane to hit Eureka since I was elected, okay?” she said. “So suck on that.”

Bugs thrilled to learn they’re in the economic elite

Yay us!!

The things you learn in the Times-Standard these days. According to a letter to the editor today from Pam Service, we’re effing rich! Check this out.

Pam says:

  • People voting for someone other than Linda Atkins are “moneyed.” This is terrific news! We thought we were kind of middle class, what with the blue-collar jobs and just squeaking by. But obviously that’s about to change. Does anyone know when we’ll get our checks?
  • Candidates able to quickly muster support are “questionable.” I’ll say. Remember how long it took for anyone to give a shit about Atkins? She must be the real deal.
  • Anyone who wants to vote for a candidate other than Linda Atkins is a power-crazed control freak who is subverting the democratic process. I know, right? The obvious solution is for no one to run against Atkins, so that through the absence of a democratic process Democracy itself can be saved.

Get with it, Eureka! Keep Democracy alive by stopping people from voting for candidates they support.

Thank you.

Eureka police union: Councilwoman Atkins compromised officer safety

EPD hopes to provide Linda Atkins with new opportunities to discuss protest strategy.

A letter from the Eureka Police Officers Association distributed to city council members Tuesday night states that Councilwoman Linda Atkins endangered officers and members of the public by leaking confidential information about a planned shut-down of the Occupy Eureka encampment.

The Times-Standard said Linda Atkins responded that she didn’t know the information was confidential, and she didn’t leak it. What she did do after receiving sensitive operational information, though, was go to the courthouse encampment, completely out of the blue, to have an informal chat with protesters.

Let’s go to the game film and see how that chat unfolded.

A post on the Humboldt Herald, written the day of the alleged information leak, said information Atkins provided put “Occupy Eureka on alert”:

An email circulating from the group [of protesters] says Eureka City Councilwoman Linda Atkins attended its Wednesday night General Assembly meeting with warnings that EPD will dismantle the camp soon, but an exact date is unknown.

Hank Sims’ Lost Coast Outpost put it this way:

Tom Sebourn is at the scene; he says that Councilmember Linda Atkins is telling demonstrators that the Eureka Police Department going to be moving in soon.

Tom Sebourn’s blog provided more detail:

Right now, Occupy Eureka is in their nightly General Assembly. Linda Atkins of the Eureka City Council, just informed the people gathered for the assembly that the County govt. has been complaining to the Eureka City govt. about the Occupy demonstration (on the lawn of the Courthouse/Jail). The County has been requesting that the Eureka Police Department come raid, or break up, the demonstration. Linda Atkins told the General Assembly that she thinks that it is imminent- the EPD coming to shut down the demonstration.

Possibly because this turned out so well, Atkins added she thought it would be a good idea to involve her in future law enforcement decisions:

While conceding the city ordinance does clearly prohibit camping in places like the courthouse lawn, Atkins said, an enforcement action against Occupy Eureka should have been decided upon by the City Council.

“With a demonstration of this magnitude and longevity, I think it should have been a policy decision whether to remove them,” she said. “I think it would be wise for us to have a public dialogue about any protest movement and how we’re going to treat it.”

Maybe instead there should be a policy decision whether to remove her.

Scientists to drive whales back to sea by reading them text of Linda Atkins’ most recent ‘My Word’

We knew whales could sing. But who would have thought they can scream?

 

Did you know that Eureka City Councilmember Linda Atkins was a complete ass over Nielsen’s sacking because she’s Thomas Fucking Jefferson? Neither did we.

But look. There it is.

Throughout the history of our country, dissent has been important to bringing change to our government. Without dissent and protest, we would still be English citizens, people would still own other people as slaves, women would not have the vote and you would have no idea how completely full of shit I am.

True, we made that last part up.

But a sidenote, if we may: Yes, Linda, dissent is patriotic.  As is peace. So do the city a favor and shut the fuck up.

Eight former Eureka mayors and councilmembers kick Linda Atkins’ ass

Once in a while, Times-Standard employees put something absolutely riveting in the pages of their newspaper.

Almost never did they write it themselves.

Today’s example of both is a guest opinion piece submitted by former city of Eureka representatives Mike Jones, Jeff Leonard, Virginia Bass, Mary Beth Wolford, Polly Endert, Cherie Arkley, Connie Miller and Nancy Flemming, who call out current Councilwoman Linda Atkins for some of her more colorful contributions to local mythology.

One of our faves:

In a recent North Coast Journal article, Councilwoman Atkins also blamed the city manager for turnover in city department heads. We know many of these department heads personally, so we did something the writer of the NCJ story did not. We called four former city employees and asked why they left. Not one of them said it was because of Tyson. These four did however allude to a former city councilmember who created havoc within the city by acting as if he was dictator — not one of five elected city councilmembers. Misstating the truth is not high on the list of political qualities that voters admire.

Gosh! Now who might that have been?

Read the letter in its entirety here.

Atkins edged out for congeniality award at Nielsen forum

Notice the strong resemblence between Linda and motivational speaker and author Dale Carnegie who penned the widely popular "How to Win Friends and Influence People."

Boy oh boy! Someone needs a hug.

”I’m really ashamed to be a part of the city of Eureka now,” [Eureka City Councilwoman Linda] Atkins said, going on to charge that Nielsen’s firing was done to “demoralize the community” and that the city council and Tyson are unresponsive to the will of Eurekans. “I waste time Tuesday nights at city council meetings with the way members of our council don’t listen to their citizenry.”     -Times-Standard

All in favor of her not wasting her time any longer, say aye.

Secret memo suggests Atkins should be careful when calling her co-workers ‘puppets’

Initially we thought Eureka City Councilwoman Linda Atkins’ comments to the Times-Standard about (former) Police Chief Garr Nielsen’s termination were just uninformed, unprofessional, and paranoid. But, as the note below suggests, they might also have been hypocritical. Holy crap!

The latest and greatest from Abbot the Rabbit

Like we always say, magniloquent is as magniloquent does.

For more of Abbot’s decidedly dry wit, visit his new blog Moderated By Heraldo, located at http://moderatedbyheraldo.wordpress.com/.

SHOCKER: Prog blog reports Larry Glass is right about something else

Media darling and terrific dancer

In a development sure to set the blogosphere ablaze, the Humboldt Herald announced that, once again, Larry Glass was right about something, while everyone Larry Glass dislikes was wrong.

This most recent incident comes hard on the heels of previous Humboldt Herald reports that Glass knew something no one else knew, said something no one else had the nuts to say, was calm when everyone around him panicked, and rescued someone no one else would save.

The Herald stated that Glass additionally was brave when everyone else was frightened, and able to stick to a low-carb diet months after everyone else had gone back to pizza and beer.

“This guy is like effing Superman,” said one reader who asked to remain anonymous because he secretly thinks Glass is a boorish dimwit.

“But instead of working for the Daily Planet, Larry’s sending a nonstop stream of self-promotional horseshit to the Herald,” the reader said. “But I’m sure Larry knows what he’s doing. I mean, shit, Larry knows what everyone’s doing. He’s fucking Larry Glass.”

There have been additional unconfirmed reports that Glass has walked on water, healed the blind and raised a handful of old progs from the dead just in time for the June primary.

Glass is also said to have  turned water into wine, which Natalynne DeLapp made short work of.

In related Herald news, Rob Arkley continued his quest for world domination, David Tyson was still an asshole, Linda Atkins wasn’t nearly as unpleasant as she seemed, Bonnie Neely was democracy’s last hope, and Paul Gallegos they’d just as soon not talk about.

A comprehensive list of intelligent questions Linda Atkins and Larry Glass asked about the Marina Center EIR

LarryGlass_dunce

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We’re surprised it’s not flying at half staff

Oh, and the check is in the mail.

The check's in the mail. Wait--that's right. You already got the check.

Marina Center cleanup moves forward on 3-2 vote

It could happen.

What? It could happen.

The cleanup is now set to begin, after more than 200 people packed Eureka city hall Tuesday night to urge the council’s approval of the Marina Center Environmental Impact Report.

Public comments weighed overwhelmingly in support of the site cleanup and subsequent development. Some talked about the jobs the project would produce and the much-needed boost to the local economy. Others complained about environmentalists who “think their job is done when they’ve complained loudly enough and filed enough lawsuits.”

One commenter said, “We have an opportunity to take an eyesore and an embarrassment and turn it into something we can be proud of.”

Another asked, “We have a toxic wasteland in our city. Why wouldn’t we want to clean that up?”

And our fave: ‘Nobody cared how dirty the property was until someone offered to clean it up.”

Dozens of residents expressed their support for the project before Ralph Faust used his three minutes to threaten to sue to stop it. A woman representing EPIC and the NEC said those organizations would also sue. Not to be left out, CREGster Larry Evans threatened to sue as well.

That’s what the enviros brought to the discussion–unless you count the genius Arcata resident who said he had to attend a public meeting for a class at HSU and took the opportunity to sagely instruct attendees that they shouldn’t settle for anything but the best on the Balloon Tract. He didn’t present any thoughts as to what the best might be or who might pay for it. Maybe he’ll get to that next semester.

There were numerous demands for Larry Glass to recuse himself from any action related to the development because of his longstanding personal animosity toward the Arkley family. That didn’t happen, of course, but he and co-obstructionist Linda Atkins got all kinds of defensive about how they love jobs and love the city and didn’t stall anything right before they voted to, you know, stall.

The council’s vote means the EIR will be brought back Oct 27 with a staff recommendation to approve it. The Coastal Development Permit is scheduled to be approved November 3rd.

But keep in mind this isn’t the end. It’s advantage Eureka, but the progs knew all along they would lose here. They’ll make their stand at the Coastal Commission and in the courts.

The end will come when a polluted property is cleaned, hundreds of jobs are created, sales tax revenues rise, 11 acres of wetlands are added–and affordable building supplies are for sale in the city.

City to hire reading tutors for Glass and Atkins

It's pronounced just like it's spelled.

Luckily, it's pronounced just like it's spelled.

Two Eureka city councilmembers spoke movingly Tuesday night about their lifelong struggles with literacy, prompting an emotional council to quickly approve hiring tutors to teach them reading, phonics and other basic life skills.

“Admitting you’re stupid is the first step to getting help,” Mayor Virginia Bass said, blinking back tears as she hugged Councilwoman Linda Atkins in what the mayor later described as a “totally hetero way.”

The literacy issue came up as the council received the Marina Center Environmental Impact Report, prompting both Larry Glass and Atkins to immediately admit they would not be able to read it within any normal period of time.

“Of course we can both piece letters together to form words,” Atkins explained later. “We’re what’s called functionally illiterate, which means we can read and write, but our skills are inadequate to meet the demands of our everyday lives.”

For example, Atkins said, their jobs as councilmembers require them to read documents and reports–”because how can we disagree with them if we don’t know what they say?” But fortunately, she added, she and Glass have both sharpened their verbal skills somewhat by sending a non-stop stream of talking points to the Humboldt Herald.

Glass thought he might be able to muddle through some of the report in two weeks, although he said he would need more time to “digest” its contents. Atkins asked for four weeks to read the document, and said even that wouldn’t be enough.

“It’s so brave of them to speak publicly about their disability,” Bass said. “Sadly, dumb is incurable, but with professional help maybe they can take the edge off a bit.”

When Glass was asked if he thought there was even a remote chance reading the EIR would change his mind about the Marina Center project, he looked around for black Escalades, then laughed nervously and scratched his balls.

“Like fuck,” he said, lowering his voice. “We’re gonna vote no on this and every fucking other thing associated with all this Marina Center shit, but we wanna do so in such a prolonged and dramatic way that Bill Pierson will feel like he got his money’s worth from us.”

Bass tried to hug Glass too, but he thought she was pushing him and called the police.

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