Linda Atkins’ sparkling personality continues to light our path

Pretty in Pink (photo credit: The Eureka Times-Standard)

Pretty in Pink (photo credit: The Eureka Times-Standard)

Aah, Linda Atkins, gracious even in victory. Humboldt County’s most unlikable politician demonstrates yet again why a man no one ever heard of before came within 300 votes of unseating her miserable ass.

According to the Times-Standard, while being sworn in Tuesday for her second term, Atkins said she was glad the “hideous campaign” was over. She followed this up with some equivalently tone-deaf remarks about the superiority of her campaign.

She apparently didn’t say anything about her former opponent’s nefariously round signs, but we’re sure that continues to stick in her throat, along with all of the expressions of human warmth and decency she can’t bring herself to utter.

WHOOPS: Bugs misread election results, not that it matters…

Evidently when reading election results, one should read the entire line, not just one part. For a few minutes there, we thought and reported that Joe Bonino was up by 50, when as one anonymous noted, he’s actually down by 208 as the Times-Standard reported last night.

That whole contest, though, kind of left me scratching my head. Why does it matter? Key votes will continue to be 4-1, whereas if Bonino had won they would instead be 5-0. I believe the term for this is functional equivalency.

That said, is the race over? Are all the votes counted? Even if there was a sack of uncounted votes somewhere, it seems like a deficiency of 208 would be a hard corner to turn.

Anyway. Maybe Linda Atkins’ “She’s Disagreeable” platform resonated with voters after all.

Report: Atkins would suspend campaign, if she had one

In a show of solidarity with East Coast Democrats hit hard by Hurricane Sandy, City Councilwoman Linda Atkins announced today that she would suspend her re-election campaign, if she had one.

Linda Atkins stole this jacket from Virginia Bass.

“Yeah, big whoop, I know,” Atkins said. “I could actually give a shit about New York, but fuck. I had to do something to get my name in the paper, you know?”

Atkins explained. “Everyone’s all, ‘Oh yeah, Linda, run for re-election, Linda, we need you,’ but then no one gives me shit for money and my dumb ass is out there raffling off the six fucking lawn signs I could afford to make and having to fabricate BS stories so people will remember I exist.”

Atkins previously made headlines by stating that Sandy would make a “direct hit” on Eureka after annihilating Des Moines, Salt Lake and Carson City. She pointed to predictions by federal weather officials that temperatures in Eureka would likely plunge into the low- to mid-40s around Humboldt Bay overnight. Residents would also battle “perfect storm” conditions as winds — expected to gust upwards of 14 mph — combined with as much as .14 inches of rain. Micro-flooding and damp vegetation would impact many low lying areas or lawn with poor drainage.

“Okay, whatever,” Atkins said. “I would just like to point out to all the people out there who say I don’t do nothing but grandstand around and bitch about whatever the other councilmembers do that, okay, there’s some truth to that, but there’s also some truth to there hasn’t been a single hurricane to hit Eureka since I was elected, okay?” she said. “So suck on that.”

Bugs thrilled to learn they’re in the economic elite

Yay us!!

The things you learn in the Times-Standard these days. According to a letter to the editor today from Pam Service, we’re effing rich! Check this out.

Pam says:

  • People voting for someone other than Linda Atkins are “moneyed.” This is terrific news! We thought we were kind of middle class, what with the blue-collar jobs and just squeaking by. But obviously that’s about to change. Does anyone know when we’ll get our checks?
  • Candidates able to quickly muster support are “questionable.” I’ll say. Remember how long it took for anyone to give a shit about Atkins? She must be the real deal.
  • Anyone who wants to vote for a candidate other than Linda Atkins is a power-crazed control freak who is subverting the democratic process. I know, right? The obvious solution is for no one to run against Atkins, so that through the absence of a democratic process Democracy itself can be saved.

Get with it, Eureka! Keep Democracy alive by stopping people from voting for candidates they support.

Thank you.

Eureka police union: Councilwoman Atkins compromised officer safety

EPD hopes to provide Linda Atkins with new opportunities to discuss protest strategy.

A letter from the Eureka Police Officers Association distributed to city council members Tuesday night states that Councilwoman Linda Atkins endangered officers and members of the public by leaking confidential information about a planned shut-down of the Occupy Eureka encampment.

The Times-Standard said Linda Atkins responded that she didn’t know the information was confidential, and she didn’t leak it. What she did do after receiving sensitive operational information, though, was go to the courthouse encampment, completely out of the blue, to have an informal chat with protesters.

Let’s go to the game film and see how that chat unfolded.

A post on the Humboldt Herald, written the day of the alleged information leak, said information Atkins provided put “Occupy Eureka on alert”:

An email circulating from the group [of protesters] says Eureka City Councilwoman Linda Atkins attended its Wednesday night General Assembly meeting with warnings that EPD will dismantle the camp soon, but an exact date is unknown.

Hank Sims’ Lost Coast Outpost put it this way:

Tom Sebourn is at the scene; he says that Councilmember Linda Atkins is telling demonstrators that the Eureka Police Department going to be moving in soon.

Tom Sebourn’s blog provided more detail:

Right now, Occupy Eureka is in their nightly General Assembly. Linda Atkins of the Eureka City Council, just informed the people gathered for the assembly that the County govt. has been complaining to the Eureka City govt. about the Occupy demonstration (on the lawn of the Courthouse/Jail). The County has been requesting that the Eureka Police Department come raid, or break up, the demonstration. Linda Atkins told the General Assembly that she thinks that it is imminent- the EPD coming to shut down the demonstration.

Possibly because this turned out so well, Atkins added she thought it would be a good idea to involve her in future law enforcement decisions:

While conceding the city ordinance does clearly prohibit camping in places like the courthouse lawn, Atkins said, an enforcement action against Occupy Eureka should have been decided upon by the City Council.

“With a demonstration of this magnitude and longevity, I think it should have been a policy decision whether to remove them,” she said. “I think it would be wise for us to have a public dialogue about any protest movement and how we’re going to treat it.”

Maybe instead there should be a policy decision whether to remove her.

Scientists to drive whales back to sea by reading them text of Linda Atkins’ most recent ‘My Word’

We knew whales could sing. But who would have thought they can scream?

 

Did you know that Eureka City Councilmember Linda Atkins was a complete ass over Nielsen’s sacking because she’s Thomas Fucking Jefferson? Neither did we.

But look. There it is.

Throughout the history of our country, dissent has been important to bringing change to our government. Without dissent and protest, we would still be English citizens, people would still own other people as slaves, women would not have the vote and you would have no idea how completely full of shit I am.

True, we made that last part up.

But a sidenote, if we may: Yes, Linda, dissent is patriotic.  As is peace. So do the city a favor and shut the fuck up.

Eight former Eureka mayors and councilmembers kick Linda Atkins’ ass

Once in a while, Times-Standard employees put something absolutely riveting in the pages of their newspaper.

Almost never did they write it themselves.

Today’s example of both is a guest opinion piece submitted by former city of Eureka representatives Mike Jones, Jeff Leonard, Virginia Bass, Mary Beth Wolford, Polly Endert, Cherie Arkley, Connie Miller and Nancy Flemming, who call out current Councilwoman Linda Atkins for some of her more colorful contributions to local mythology.

One of our faves:

In a recent North Coast Journal article, Councilwoman Atkins also blamed the city manager for turnover in city department heads. We know many of these department heads personally, so we did something the writer of the NCJ story did not. We called four former city employees and asked why they left. Not one of them said it was because of Tyson. These four did however allude to a former city councilmember who created havoc within the city by acting as if he was dictator — not one of five elected city councilmembers. Misstating the truth is not high on the list of political qualities that voters admire.

Gosh! Now who might that have been?

Read the letter in its entirety here.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 54 other followers