Report: Atkins would suspend campaign, if she had one

In a show of solidarity with East Coast Democrats hit hard by Hurricane Sandy, City Councilwoman Linda Atkins announced today that she would suspend her re-election campaign, if she had one.

Linda Atkins stole this jacket from Virginia Bass.

“Yeah, big whoop, I know,” Atkins said. “I could actually give a shit about New York, but fuck. I had to do something to get my name in the paper, you know?”

Atkins explained. “Everyone’s all, ‘Oh yeah, Linda, run for re-election, Linda, we need you,’ but then no one gives me shit for money and my dumb ass is out there raffling off the six fucking lawn signs I could afford to make and having to fabricate BS stories so people will remember I exist.”

Atkins previously made headlines by stating that Sandy would make a “direct hit” on Eureka after annihilating Des Moines, Salt Lake and Carson City. She pointed to predictions by federal weather officials that temperatures in Eureka would likely plunge into the low- to mid-40s around Humboldt Bay overnight. Residents would also battle “perfect storm” conditions as winds — expected to gust upwards of 14 mph — combined with as much as .14 inches of rain. Micro-flooding and damp vegetation would impact many low lying areas or lawn with poor drainage.

“Okay, whatever,” Atkins said. “I would just like to point out to all the people out there who say I don’t do nothing but grandstand around and bitch about whatever the other councilmembers do that, okay, there’s some truth to that, but there’s also some truth to there hasn’t been a single hurricane to hit Eureka since I was elected, okay?” she said. “So suck on that.”

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 53 other followers