Woolley to step down into hole he dug himself

Citing years of his own mismanagement, Humboldt County Supervisor John Woolley announced Monday that he would not run for re-election in November.

“I’ve devoted 11 years of my life to rewarding my friends, punishing my enemies, and keeping my daily 5 p.m. drink-date at the Waterfront Café,” the 64-year-old said in a written statement.

Woolley also listed among his accomplishments the Tamara Falor debacle, fruitless and costly Tooby Ranch litigation, failed redevelopment plans and the almost decade-late and still incomplete general plan update.

“More importantly,” the statement continued, “last year, in direct response to health and safety concerns raised by my constituents, I trimmed the living shit out of my eyebrows, and the response I’ve gotten is that now they’re really working for me—quite a bit harder than I’ve ever worked for any of you.”

The three-term supervisor did not say whether his eyebrows would run for office without him.

13 Responses

  1. The Capt. returneth.

  2. I’ve been away from Humboldt for several days and get to come home to this! Funny, funny stuff. Welcome!

  3. More hugs for Eko! And welcome to you, Kristabel. Will make link to delightful and slightly smutty Chocolate Covered Xanax. We love a little between-meal smut. Who doesn’t?!

  4. I am seriously considering running against Chesbro’s mustache.

  5. Watch it Brows, I am a hair’s breadth away from clear cutting you back to the 60s.

  6. Watch out for Patty Berg’s freckles!

  7. That mid-level bureaucratic political whore is going to unleash a crazy flying Neely bitch-slap on your ass if he finds out who your anonymous ass is…

  8. Hey, no sneering at freckles. Redheads are partial to them.

  9. Not to worry, Kym. We were sneering at Patty Berg!

  10. Turtles, not so much.

  11. OMG, Hal. How could we have forgotten the bitch-slap flap? But we did! Our bad. Completely slipped our minds. Thanks for that quick trip down happy-memory lane.

  12. John Woolley has done great things for this county. Whoever wrote this obviously has no grip on reality. Next time you feel moody, talk to a therapist, and by all means, don’t make weightless accusations about things you have no knowledge on. Grow a pair, please.

  13. Woolley is a two-bit political whore, just like Roger said. And we have bountiful direct knowledge to back that up. Now you get on back to masturbating in your mother’s basement, ok?

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