Kirk Girard attains enlightenment

Maybe this is one of those things like string theory or Wonkavision that makes a shit-ton more sense when you’re drinking. But we’re between cocktail hours at the Humboldt Mirror–and frankly, we’re confused.

Our favorite Community Development Disservices director, Kirk Girard, provided a positively zen explanation Tuesday of that whole TPZ planning commission report dust-up in which his staff failed to include the back half of a law that clearly allows residential building on land zoned for timber production while citing the front half of the same law which restricts such building.

Boring stuff? You bet. But sometimes the devil really is in the details.

The Board of Supes has made no secret of its desire to further restrict TPZ building in its now eight years overdue General Plan Update, which will undoubtedly appear one day when we least expect it—like the Messiah, perhaps, or genital herpes.

But local TPZ owners were quick to note that the tighter restrictions did not yet exist, and they could build on their property if they damn well please.

Not so, said Girard, and pulled out his half-law to prove it. That he was caught only added to the general uproar, a distinctly non-nirvanic melee that saw hundreds of TPZ owners disrupting meetings and marching down Fifth Street carrying signs.

So at the board meeting Tuesday, Girard went ahead and cleared the whole thing up in a speech that gave the Four Noble Truths a definite run for their money.

Girard said:

  1. Planning commission reports have historically been too legalistic for the general public.
  2. Citing only half of a law reduces the legalism–by around 50 percent, we’re guessing–even when the part you omit is contrary to the part you include.
  3. Planning commissioners didn’t need the other half. They needed only the first half which was counter to what they thought they knew but didn’t.
  4. The first half was contradicted by the second half they actually did know and, therefore, didn’t need.

And that was that. So Grasshopper! We love it. We see without seeing. We get and not-get. And in the stillness of the mind-self, we can actually hear the sound of one hand clapping.

But faintly,

78 Responses

  1. For those interested in hearing the Zen Master at work, follow this link, then select 2008-02-2006 file 000. The fun starts at 1:51.

  2. Maybe it’s too much whiskey but I don’t get it?

  3. That is a touching and beautiful entry. So much is said and not said, I weep.

  4. I primarily saw developers and sons/daughters of developers “marching down Fifth Street with signs.”

  5. Did they bear the mark of the beast? Is that how you tell? I’ve heard their utter disregard for Our Way Of Life causes them to march with a distinctive gait.

  6. Couldn’t miss them on the cover of the NCJ

  7. Oh. A scientific survey then. Good.

  8. Lotto meditating went into that uh, er, ummmm ‘splanation.

  9. Well, now that someone has hijacked my nickname at 7:55 & 8:41, I suppose I should be flattered…

    So, fauxYo…why dont you grow a set, and get your own name and continually post under it so that you too can get hammered by folks like Heraldo and JaneDoe over at H-Dawg’s blog…was that YOU last night posing as I?

    I’ve only posted over here one time, so, unless humbug has a listing of my irl, he cant see that you are, in fact….a dastardly impostor…gasp…I love it.

  10. In fact we can tell Faux Yo isn’t you Yo. We love how that sounds! We also love that we were able to change his Yo to [Faux] Yo, the brackets indicating that we have made a change to the post. Should the Faux Yo comment as you Yo in the future, we’ll delete the posts entirely. Bad blogger form, we think.

  11. One other thing, fauxYo…

    I simply LOVE the fact that the supporters of teh TPZ movement are kids, developers and landowners, a true grassroots movement if you will…

    I LOVE the fact that over at H-Dawg’s blog there was much gnashing of teeth over these protests, and that many everyday people were taking action, action usually undertaken by pros, like Mark Lovelace, whose cause, of course is pure, because he uhh…well, you know, he wants to sue…er save the world….

  12. Maybe Kirk will be allowed to read Green Eggs and Ham at the next Supes meeting!

    Damn Yo, identity theft hits a new low.


  13. Yeah, it really SUX to have your dream law suit struck down by such a simple explanation. What hair splitting will CPR come up with next to accuse planning dept of some evil agenda?

  14. You people really should do some research on the meaning of “AND” and its significance in sentence structure. It will save you from embarrassing situations like this in the future. I can understand why Girard left off the end of that section with so many citizens unable to understand complex sentences.

  15. “The first half was contradicted by the second half they actually did know and, therefore, didn’t need.”

    WRONG! The 2nd half was moot because the first half said that to be a project it had to have environmental impact AND be one of the following. No environmental impact, no project, no need for the rest of the section.

  16. go to Heraldo’s with that line of BS.

  17. Listen to the haters try to dispute satire, while informing the rest of us how stupid we are. Telling.

  18. The only hatred I see here are the right wing nutcases hating on Girard. But please continue. You are showing the whole county how bankrupt you are of intellect. BWAAA-HA-HA-HA!

  19. It’s actually just one hater, 9:50, and that’s him again above demonstrating his groundswell of support.

  20. You can’t refute the logic so you namecall and ignore the message entirely. Typical of rightwing nutcases.

  21. I hope CPR goes ahead with their threatened lawsuit. A judge can explain what “and” means in this context and the people of Humboldt will thank CPR heartily for wasting their money. loi

  22. And that there is the sound of one nerve struck.

  23. Toxic substance leaches from one Humboldt Blog to another…Toxins believed to originate at the Humboldt Herald have been spotted at the Humboldt Mirror…officials at the Mirror believe they have identified and isolated the contaminants…” Please do not panic, this is an isolated incident and we are taking every precaution to prevent problems like this in the future,” Blogger HumBug stated in a press release this morning…

  24. So you don’t tolerate opposing viewpoints here? What a big surprise that is. NOT

  25. So are you Mark Lovelace or Ken Miller? Or, umm. let’s see, Larry Glass, Michael Twombly, Richard Salzman? No? No. Obviously.

    Are you Lee Ulansey? Bill Barnum,? Captain Buhne? Mike Harvey? Leo Sears?

    Hmmmm, the game begins.

  26. Looks like his comments are being tolerated here just fine. Laughed at all to hell, but tolerated.

  27. The last laugh is always best. Looks like no one can refute the argument in support of Girard. Laughter is a poor substitute for debate. But keep on keeping on, you will only look more foolish as everyone realizes what you are all about.

  28. Is there a laugh shortage? Are we down to the last one? Not at the Mirror, angry friend. There are more than enough laughs here to go around, and we’re happy to share some of ours with you. Hugs!

  29. Hiding your rage behind satiric and dishonest blog posts may fool people who don’t know the meaning of “and” but you can’t fool all of the people any of the time.

  30. A hostility decompression period is common among people who have spent time in the Heraldo hate machine. Don’t worry about him, little bug. The strong work through it, and the rest give up and go back.

  31. Will the Herald-ites go back to Heraldo’s blog – that is the nasty site.

    We who love to read the Mirror, love to laugh and make fun of you guys.

    And Jane – if you are gonna post, post under your anon Jane Doe and not just as anonymous.


  32. Hiding your rage behind satiric and dishonest blog posts may fool people who don’t know the meaning of “and” but you can’t fool all of the people any of the time.

    Does this mean that the author of this comment will be canceling a subscription to Wonkavision?

    Some people must not want to laugh. Too bad.


  33. Oh ‘satiric.’ We kept reading that as ‘satanic.’ Our mistake.

  34. UPDATE…toxic spill a little worse than orginally reported…although the spill is contained, readers are urged DO NOT TOUCH the contaminant, exposure has been known to cause acute Heraldista Dogmatitus…”Our mockery and laughter seems to be effective at containing the toxins, but we urge our readers to not take any chances,” says Humbug…

  35. Holy heck, Newsflash. You sound more like us than we do. Love it!

  36. I’ll send a resume

  37. LMSAO!!

  38. I do wonder why the good folks over at heraldo’s blog think that it’s just the rantings of of right wing nut jubs and not a relevant issue to know what Mark Lovelace does for a job, and that it is not relevant with regards to his running for supervisor.

    I wonder if they’d feel the same way if he were (gasp) gainfully employed by Rob Arkley?

    btw, I am pretty sure that Lovelace draws a salary from the non profit groups he is the spokesdude for. That information is public record.

  39. There’s the Jane we all know and love to hate over here at Humboldt Delusions. You must be doing something right.

  40. Uh, yeah. That’s him again. Therapy takes time.

  41. I don’t know – even Jane would have to admit that Girard’s belated explanation makes no sense whatsoever. Planning Commissioner’s are omniscient experts? They can divine that sections of the law have been left out?

    Nah, I’m not buying it, because that comma being left out is only one in a series of events that have led to all the (rightful) outrage.

  42. At least get the controversy right Rose. It wasn’t a comma that was left out but an irrelevant section of the definition of project.

    No wonder you don’t understand what Girard was saying. It takes an IQ above 50.

  43. And that was enough for us, angry former friend. You’re blocked. (Yay! The very first!) Strongly held beliefs are fine, but you don’t get to insult our friends.

  44. So that’s how it works over here? You and your “friends” can insult anyone you wish but can’t take an insult in return. Got it. There is nothing here but lies and vicious attacks disguised as satire. You can go ahead and block me if you like but you don’t need to, I won’t be back.

  45. Way to go Bug.

    Let Jane go insult persons on Heraldo.

    Now lets all make fun of everyone!

  46. Things are really looking up here.

  47. Hello,
    First time poster. I really dont think that banning someone over insults is the way to go; but, it is your blog, not mine. I dont even think Heraldo blocks anyone’s comments.

    I think it’s more fun to refute their arguements as to the comma and omitted paragraphs and let them come back with their nasty little smears that shows how very little they have in the way of a counter point.

    Anyway, fun blog, but banning people is gonna bite the bug on the backside I think.

  48. You don’t have to block the guy on my behalf. Dang! I had a typo in there – no wonder he’s makin’ cracks about my IQ. Pesky apostrophe’s 🙂

  49. Like Heraldo doesn’t block people all the time. Please. The difference here is our Humbug ANNOUNCED he was blocking instead of just making people disappear like this is Guatemala or some shit. Humbug makes fun of PUBLIC officials and provides a much-needed forum for amusing discussion of stupidity at high levels. We don’t need the haters here. Besides, it’s not like we don’t know where to find them…

  50. OH NO. We’ve lost Jane Doh. The loss… to American Literature… is STAGGERING.

  51. We’d like to hear from the regulars on the subject. Obviously other blogs (cough) block people, and if we are to do so we think it’s important to be up front about it, as we have been here.

    But should we block at all? Is the happy Mirror vibe ruined by the angry friends? Or is this just something we live with?

    You tell us.

  52. CONTAMINATION UPDATE…Humbug reports site is clean and safe in accordance with all applicable laws and codes…Baykeeper is calling for cleaning the site to a higher standard than required or a cash settlement “I prefer the cash” states Pete Nickels…Green Wheels wants access to the site without using electricity and an Eco-Hostel wants to use the site for a tourist destination…”Get your own damn site!” Humbug announced “Now I wish I never started this site, it sat vacant for years.”

  53. We are loving the Newsflash! We’d hire you in a minute, but we discovered only today even we are not getting paid. Who knew?

    Favorite part of the contamination update? PETE NICKELS. Can we steal it? Please?

  54. Well that was awkward…I thought Bonnie would never shut up.

  55. LOL – Well, every blogger has an opinion on censoring and blocking – Carson Park Ranger likens it to picking up dog droppings on the lawn and deletes accordingly. Fred was very tolerant, but has been forced to moderate comments… on the other hand. Greg and Carol once didn’t allow anons at all, and they have opened up with no ill effect. “heraldo” has been all over the map, and, I am told, does have a number of people blocked. “he” does allow alot through, though.

    Each blogger has to make their own call. I am in favor of open discussion, reserving the right to delete as you see fit.

  56. I’ll donate it, it aint worth a plug nickel to me anyhow. Would have been Nickel$ if I’d been thinking better.

  57. Even better, News!

    Say, not sure how we missed this earlier, but did you notice Jane Doe stopped by for a visit? She seems not to have found us to her liking. Do you think she’s any relation to Harold Doe?

  58. You should block anyone who comes over here with full-blown PMS. If I wanted to hear that horseshit, I’d go to the board meetings and get it straight from the tap.

    And Jane Doh = full-time PMSer. Seriously. It’s sad. “Vicious attacks”? She’s a freaking expert on the subject. She created the genre. She wrote the book and then menstrual-bled all over it.

    Vicious would be instead of having Bonnie smoking a spliff, she’d have like a big 666 on her forehead. That would be vicious. And awesome.

  59. I saw Jane but I did not make eye contact. Very acute case of the H-strain dogmatitus. A…um…”friend”…of mine got it from her and he had to get a round of penicillin at North Country Clinic…now I, I mean he…stays away from her. I don’t if she’s related to Heraldo. I hope they’re not kissin’ cousins, for his sake.

  60. Another, that’s awful! Truly bad. We would never do anything like that. Never!!

  61. You can’t come to this blog with any notion that things are serious here. I mean, this place is a respite from the other bloggers who make their bones about the local issues, as if a District Attorney, or County Supe will drop by and offer them the chance to be their Consigliere. Now I am no Tom Hagen, but there are those out there hoping a Don will tap them on the shoulder. Dude, we write blogs.

    In other news…Wonkavision stock hits a new high!


  62. Hugs, Boy friend! (Two words, people. Two separate words. Boy and friend. A friend named Boy. We don’t need the hot-Boy-on-Bug-action rumor started, do we? We do not.)

  63. keep me out of it, too.

  64. Can I just say all the “anonymous” posters gives me a freakin’ headache.
    What were we talking about again?
    Oh right, whether Girard’s statement made sense.
    I’m not drinking tonight.
    It still doesn’t make sense.
    Maybe he SHOULD read “Green Eggs And Ham”. At least it will put me to sleep.

  65. Please don’t block the ignorant. Their comments are both amusing and lead to much high spirited discussion in following post. As far as Heraldo, he doesn’t block stupidity, only those who disagree with him (and by assumption rational).

  66. Actually Jane was right … it is possible to say almost anything you want if it disguised as satire. But I thought that was the whole point of this thing, and one of the reasons I enjoy it so much.

    But I am kind of sad to see wholesale blocking of someone (as opposed to deleting an occasional over-the-top piece of (expletive deleted). Probably easier though.

    However, it is your blog and you get to run it any way you want. Thanks however for soliciting our opinion.

  67. Well… it’s not like we know anything about running a blog. We figured we’d make up some funny shit and post it, and you guys would make up some funny shit and comment, then we’d all have a good laugh and that would be that. We wanted an alternative to the angry friends. We didn’t want several of them straight stalking us, hitting the refresh button 600 times a day to fill in the empty hours between wife-beatings.

    We appreciate your input and will keep thinking this one over. We’re leaning toward a couple of basic rules, with violators and those about to go on shooting sprees at the Bayshore Mall given at the very least a time-out to cool down. Any sort of long-term blocking should, we think, be a community decision made by us and you, our happy friends.

    Hugs from the bugs.

  68. I think you can steer the tone a bit by not being an absentee landlord – I always compare the comment thread on Buhne to opening the door of a hotel room to find a wild and hard-hitting pillow fight in progress, with people bashing each other and feathers flying all around… you yell, “Hey!” And they all stop, and look at you, and it is suddenly quiet and still… then just as suddenly, the fight resumes, and the bashing goes on and the feathers fly… it was kinda like that, and it was fun and funny, and awful at times, hilarious at times, always interesting… for what it’s worth…

  69. renters commenting on ownership issues…..truly funny…

  70. actually, im surprised that Heraldo hasnt been mentioned every other post in this thread….thats been the pattern on EVERY thread on the humboldt mirror so far…

    jealousy sticks out like a sore thumb….

  71. Customer service survey just in…readers happy with Humboldt Mirror…according to the survey 86% appreciate the humor, 10% don’t get it, and 4% are “mad at the f****ng world!”…in other news the Mirror posted record profits, up 100% from one year ago today, nearly twice that of chief competitor Humboldt Herald, “Heraldo serves a completely different market, catering to the sullen and angry while we focus on the happy and obnoxious smart asses of Humboldt County? We believe we are poised for growth.” CEO Humbug stated to a packed house…

  72. Here’s what’s fun about liars, Theo. They’re easily disproved. Go through the comments. You’ll find about 12 such references in the last 100 comments, most of which had to do with Assholes from his site coming over here, and two or three mentions in the 200+ comments before that. Which means fewer references here about him than there are references to the Mirror on his site. Ouch.

  73. I take the blue humbug with lots of humor. I sense some of Carson Park Ranger’s humor here mixed with ol’ Captain Buhne. But could the cute blue bug be Rob and Cherie having some blog fun with the rest of us?

  74. It doesn’t matter who you are, blue humbug. I sense a big sense of humor on this blog. It tickles my funny bone!


  75. I think you guys are about the funniest thing to come along in eons. Are you sure you didn’t write for South Park? I look forward to reading your masterpieces every day. You definitely have your finger on the pulse of the bullshit that goes on in the planning dept.

  76. Hey, I like the bug (and cpr) even when they are calling me fascist. I mean, it’s a lame label, and hopefully not the best they can do, but if the bug needs to throw a block, well, it’s his blog. Jane can doemmy up her own, and then SHE can block people. Me, I don’t think most people should be allowed to vote OR blog.

  77. This blog is HILARIOUS! No wonder everyone at the Humboldt Herald can’t stop talking about you. Heraldo won’t even add your link to his blog roll, even though all of his readers obviously read you.

  78. Truly awesome blog. Linked to it from the Humboldt Herald. Were it not for their paranoia about the Mirror I never would’ve found you. Funny that Herald or whatever his name is doesn’t have the balls to link to you.

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