Arkley, Glass autograph baseballs to raise money for Eureka Reporter

Citing declining circulation and ad figures, billionaire and Eureka Reporter owner Robin Arkley II and Eureka City Councilman Larry Glass held a joint press conference Friday to outline an aggressive new revenue partnership to turn the tide on what they called “those smug bastards” at the Times-Standard.

The plan involves auctioning authentic Major League baseballs that have been signed by both Arkley and Glass, Arkley’s longtime friend and business associate, with the bulk of the proceeds going to pay down accumulated debt at the troubled newspaper.

“Larry and I market-tested this last year and found that these balls will retail in the $400 range,” Arkley said. “At that rate, we’d have to sell only about 5,000 balls a year to break even.”

Glass said he fully supports the venture and is pleased that the partners’ promotional event at Avalon in September raised awareness of the new product line.

“Oh he pushed me, he pushed me,” Glass laughed. “It was too easy. We’re on the front page of both newspapers like what, 20 times? And next thing you know, everyone in town is talking about our balls.”

Arkley said the cash infusion would finance significant internal improvements at the Reporter to make the struggling newspaper-like publication more closely resemble an actual newspaper.

Specific proposals include redesigning the paper’s recent web redesign so that it sucks less, and bumping up e-Paper subscriptions into the triple digits.

“If this works the way we think it will,” Arkley said, “pretty soon we’ll have as many readers as the Humboldt Mirror.”

Glass, widely known for his activist and charity work, said he was donating his time to help his friend. But Arkley plans to buy Glass a 2008 black Cadillac Escalade, “so he can chase his own paranoid ass around the courthouse,” Arkley said.

Sale of the men’s balls is expected to begin in March.

Related post: Avalon restaurant adds instant replay to menu


13 Responses

  1. “If this works the way we think it will,” Arkley said, “pretty soon we’ll have as many readers as the Humboldt Mirror.”

    He wishes he could be that popular.

    So many people sold their shares of Eureka Reporter stock to get in on Wonkavision. How are their balls going to get investors back?

    I wonder what Jim Cramer would say about this?


  2. Are they BIG balls? They seem to be.

  3. Neely spotted sportin’ mark of the beast…Girard says, “It is not mark of the beast, cleary it is 999, upside down, it was meant for a different audience, but we can see how the public would think it was ‘6 6 6’. If you stand on your head and look at the numbers, read them out loud in English and translate that to German, then back to English the sign says ‘no, no, no’. It is really a misunderstanding and we apologize.” When pressed what audience it was for, Girard said it was an effort clarify voting instructions for the rest of the Board…the public is not sure which version is worse…

  4. Glass balls? Hopefully handled by Dave Silverbrand previously.


  5. hand-blown glass balls?

  6. “Hand,” “blown” and “balls” all in the same sentence? It’s wankalicious! We love it.

    And Flash, you should seriously consider being our weekend host. You’re channeling pure Bug love.

  7. ARKLEY AND GLASS ANNOUNCE ASIA DEAL…strong demand for all-things-American has sparked a huge order for the Arkley-Glass Balls. “This is nuts,” gushed Glass, “We expect to move two thousand units to China by the end of the month. Never in my life did I expect my balls to see so many Chins. I expected a lot of action around Eureka, especially old town, but not China.”

  8. Gives new meaning to “Fire and Light” glassware doesn’t it?

  9. They used to joke about Hitler’s balls, too.

  10. Isn’t it a little early in the thread for link
    Godwin’s Law there, turtle? 🙂

  11. Just for the record. I am not the Humboldt Mirror person attacking Ms. Neely. Richard Marks, that guy always wasting his time running against that Neely person.

  12. Just for the record. I am not the Humboldt Mirror person attacking Ms. Neely.

    I was going to say, what kind of Blogger Name is Anonymous?

    Arkley-Glass balls will be a change for the Chinese consumer from the lead based balls that have been the rage in China for so many decades. All that said, I am sticking with my Wonkavision stock.

    I want to say thank for adding me to your Blogroll. I have done like wise at my blog, so that my one reader will now come over to visit.


  13. Thanks, Boy. We didn’t know about your happy blog until we stumbled upon it the other day. We’re thrilled to have your one reader and hope you welcome both of ours.

    By the way, should we refer to it as Boy Most Likely or Blog Most Likely?

    And a warm shout out to vaguely naughty Jen who has been with us from the start. We are now officially in our second month! Practically old friends!

    Finally, for those who haven’t seen it, we are loving Ekovox’s latest post. Check it out here.

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