Fifth District Indian casino kicks down major wampum to Clendenen’s Second District campaign

The Blue Lake Casino, patron rancheria of Bonnie Neely’s most recent re-election campaign, gave a sack full of bingo money to Clif Clendenen, the candidate Neely chose to replace her Board of Supervisors sparring partner Second District incumbent Roger Rodoni.

In a news release issued the day before the most recent round of campaign contributions was made public, Clendenen praised “the generosity expressed by the people of the district,” while carefully omitting the fact that the district in question wasn’t his.

The Blue Lake Casino, located in Supervisor Jill Geist’s Fifth District, accounted for $10,000 of the $13,683 Clendenen raised in the three-and-a-half month period ending March 17.

The Eureka Reporter notes that of that amount, Clendenen paid $800 to Neely’s longtime campaign manager Meghan Vogel, whom Neely ham-handedly dispatched to Fortuna late last year in an attempt to unseat Rodoni.

In 2006, the casino gave Third District Supervisor Neely $25,000 in her slim victory over former Eureka Mayor and current Rio Dell City Manager Nancy Flemming.

In the most recent contribution cycle, Clendenen was able to squeeze cash out of only 10 additional contributors, at least a few of whom appear to actually reside within his district.

Ruh-roh, Mofo

The usually genial and endearing Carson Park Mofo is hosting a major bitch-fight over at the Eureka Standard. There’s hair-pulling, eye-scratching, dozens of impressively insulting words (many of which we can’t even pronounce!) and a sprinkling of deleted comments.

It. Is. On.

We’ll recap them there fightin’ words in order of appearance:

“agist (sic) pig
“lardy ass
“lack of discipline
“fumbling circumlocution
“champion of grandmas
“incipient decrepitude
“pitifully uninformed
“sniper fire delusion/chronic flight from credibility
“my grandmother is a racist
“mentally unfit
“senile old fart
“Goddamn America
“angry and ignorant
“America is damned for killing innocet (sic) people
“I guess you dont (sic) follow Jesus
“right-wing ideologues
“Fox news viewers
“rich people
“Cartmanesque glib ad hominem attacks
“not as funny as Cartman
“less substance
“oafish tidbits of history from coffee table books about WWII
“polo champion
“fatuous innuendo
“stealing from your employer

We have only the vaguest idea what they’re arguing about—but friends! We’re Americans! Our wars don’t need reasons. Go join one side or the other, and let’s turn this thing blog-o-nuclear!!!

Palco names Winnie the Pooh to run reorganized company

In a blatant and successful attempt at upstaging its largest creditor group, the bankrupt Pacific Lumber Company announced Wednesday that it has appointed lovable Winnie the Pooh to run the company as it transitions from bankruptcy protection.

Earlier in the day, representatives of the timber note holders, who are owed a gazillion dollars by the company, named the much less popular former California Governor Pete Wilson to head up reorganization efforts for their plan, which stands little chance of being approved.

“If you’re going to have a reorganization plan figurehead, you really can’t do any better than Mr. Pooh,” said Palco attorney Frank Bacik. “He’s universally beloved, he has his own theme song, and he’s never worked for Richard Nixon.”

But both Palco and the note holders may be trumped by the expected announcement of a third post-bankruptcy plan mascot to represent the holier-than-thou plan put forth by Marathon, a secured creditor, and the Mendocino Redwood Company.

Sources close to Marathon and MRC have hinted privately that their transition team would be led by the Lord God Almighty, with Son of God and MRC Chairman Sandy Dean filling in on Sundays.

All three proposed plan agents have extensive timber management experience.

Pooh, a tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff, worked for many years in the 100-Acre Wood. Wilson played a minor role in the much-despised 1999 Headwaters Agreement, and God created trees.

Pooh called his appointment “absolutely, positively splendiferous.”


At this point, we would definitely consider a name change

The aura of weird surrounding the David Gundersen rape case veered toward bizarre last week when the Times-Standard identified Margaret Gundersen as the driver of a vehicle that ran over and severely injured a 16-year-old McKinleyville High School student who was reportedly lying in a dark roadway near the school.

Those whose memories were not erased by Mandrake the Magician’s considerable powers will recognize Margaret, 48, as the ex-wife of Blue Lake Police Chief David Gundersen, who is accused of repeatedly drugging and raping both her and a younger replacement wife over a 10-year period.

The injured teen, identified as Stuart Christopher, has undergone a series of operations at UC Davis Medical Center in Sacramento to repair a shattered femur and broken hip. He is expected to recover.

District Attorney Paul Gallegos admitted he publicly disclosed the names of the two alleged rape victims when placed a series of unedited documents, including the confidentiality request filed by one of the women, into David Gundersen’s public file.

While a Christopher family spokesman now says the teen may have been walking in the roadway, not lying down, when he was hit, Margaret, a clerk at the Sheriff Office’s McKinleyville substation, passed a field sobriety test and has not been charged with or accused of any wrongdoing.

Lethargic bugs decide to skip whole blogging thing

Sorry, friends. We’re still too creatively corked from eating all those Easter Eggs.

Any known remedies? (And please don’t suggest anything involving a sharp stick. We already tried that.)

Lethargic Christ decides to skip whole rising-from-dead thing this year

Citing “a righteous case of burnout,” Jesus Christ announced late Saturday that he will not rise from the dead Sunday as expected.

“This Easter business is the same thing every year. Resurrection, transformation, ascension, blah blah blah. I’m totally over it,” He said, stifling a yawn. “If someone else wants to rule and reign for a while, I say have at it.”

When asked if the world might plunge into darkness and chaos as a result of His decision, the Savior said He wasn’t sure.

“Beats Me. It could go either way. In the last millennium I’ve actually stepped back a bit from the day-to-day functioning of the universe. Hell, both Notre Dame and Gonzaga got knocked out of the playoffs this weekend, and I basically just sat there.”

So how will the Lord Thy God spend Christianity’s holiest day?

“I’m thinking I’ll sleep in, grab some brunch and then hit the Open Grave in Trinidad for a couple Marys with My friends. Maybe after that I’ll go home and try to beat Nathan Rushton‘s Catch-a-Poo score.”

But the Lamb of God said there’s one thing He’ll miss.

“Really the only good thing about ascending into the heavens to be with God every year is that on the way up I can see where all the Easter eggs are hidden,” He said, but then shrugged. “Like I don’t already know.”

Health Impact Assessment demonstrates Health Impact Assessment proponents are unhealthy

As expected, a grant-funded Health Impact Assessment presented Thursday to the Planning Commission demonstrates that the most restrictive development option before the commission is by far the healthiest choice for Humboldt County.

The HIA, presented by Public Health Officer Dr. Ann Lindsay, shows that Alternative A, which would allow only minimal urban infill—a maximum of 6,000 additional housing units over the next 25 years—would reduce childhood obesity, improve access to vital services and lower greenhouse gas emissions.

The enormous health benefits that naturally accrue from living in crowded urban centers would increase even further if builders skimped on design and materials costs, according to the HIA.

The number of Planning Commissioners who nodded their heads approvingly while listening to this shit?

All of them.

The number of commissioners, supervisors, medical doctors or other HIA proponents who volunteered to live in the low-quality, high-density housing projects the assessment recommends?

Uh, yeah. That would be zero.

According to the results of an internet search, Dr. Lindsay herself, who oversaw the study, is said to live on North Bank Road, a low-density rural interface between McKinleyville and Fieldbrook.

Mark Lovelace, infill proponent extraordinaire, is listed as living on Buttermilk Lane in the unincorporated Bayside area. One of his neighbors, living on Coffey Lane, is our very own Community Development Disservices Director Kirk Girard.

Anti-sprawl supervisors Bonnie Neely and John Woolley are no better at living their high-density values.

Neely is listed at two addresses, one on Brindle Lane and the other on Glendale Court, both along the outer edge of the unincorporated Myrtletown area, while Woolley resides in a coastal zone on Melvin Road in the unincorporated Manila area.

As for the planning commissioners themselves, only one or two of the seven live within the boundaries of any incorporated city in Humboldt County.

We’re just asking, but does anyone else here ever grow weary of listening to people who live one way telling the rest of us we ought to live another? If ghettos are so wonderful, why aren’t they living in them?