Fifth District Indian casino kicks down major wampum to Clendenen’s Second District campaign

The Blue Lake Casino, patron rancheria of Bonnie Neely’s most recent re-election campaign, gave a sack full of bingo money to Clif Clendenen, the candidate Neely chose to replace her Board of Supervisors sparring partner Second District incumbent Roger Rodoni.

In a news release issued the day before the most recent round of campaign contributions was made public, Clendenen praised “the generosity expressed by the people of the district,” while carefully omitting the fact that the district in question wasn’t his.

The Blue Lake Casino, located in Supervisor Jill Geist’s Fifth District, accounted for $10,000 of the $13,683 Clendenen raised in the three-and-a-half month period ending March 17.

The Eureka Reporter notes that of that amount, Clendenen paid $800 to Neely’s longtime campaign manager Meghan Vogel, whom Neely ham-handedly dispatched to Fortuna late last year in an attempt to unseat Rodoni.

In 2006, the casino gave Third District Supervisor Neely $25,000 in her slim victory over former Eureka Mayor and current Rio Dell City Manager Nancy Flemming.

In the most recent contribution cycle, Clendenen was able to squeeze cash out of only 10 additional contributors, at least a few of whom appear to actually reside within his district.

Ruh-roh, Mofo

The usually genial and endearing Carson Park Mofo is hosting a major bitch-fight over at the Eureka Standard. There’s hair-pulling, eye-scratching, dozens of impressively insulting words (many of which we can’t even pronounce!) and a sprinkling of deleted comments.

It. Is. On.

We’ll recap them there fightin’ words in order of appearance:

“agist (sic) pig
“lardy ass
“lack of discipline
“fumbling circumlocution
“champion of grandmas
“incipient decrepitude
“pitifully uninformed
“sniper fire delusion/chronic flight from credibility
“my grandmother is a racist
“mentally unfit
“senile old fart
“Goddamn America
“angry and ignorant
“America is damned for killing innocet (sic) people
“I guess you dont (sic) follow Jesus
“right-wing ideologues
“Fox news viewers
“rich people
“Cartmanesque glib ad hominem attacks
“not as funny as Cartman
“less substance
“oafish tidbits of history from coffee table books about WWII
“polo champion
“fatuous innuendo
“stealing from your employer

We have only the vaguest idea what they’re arguing about—but friends! We’re Americans! Our wars don’t need reasons. Go join one side or the other, and let’s turn this thing blog-o-nuclear!!!

Palco names Winnie the Pooh to run reorganized company

In a blatant and successful attempt at upstaging its largest creditor group, the bankrupt Pacific Lumber Company announced Wednesday that it has appointed lovable Winnie the Pooh to run the company as it transitions from bankruptcy protection.

Earlier in the day, representatives of the timber note holders, who are owed a gazillion dollars by the company, named the much less popular former California Governor Pete Wilson to head up reorganization efforts for their plan, which stands little chance of being approved.

“If you’re going to have a reorganization plan figurehead, you really can’t do any better than Mr. Pooh,” said Palco attorney Frank Bacik. “He’s universally beloved, he has his own theme song, and he’s never worked for Richard Nixon.”

But both Palco and the note holders may be trumped by the expected announcement of a third post-bankruptcy plan mascot to represent the holier-than-thou plan put forth by Marathon, a secured creditor, and the Mendocino Redwood Company.

Sources close to Marathon and MRC have hinted privately that their transition team would be led by the Lord God Almighty, with Son of God and MRC Chairman Sandy Dean filling in on Sundays.

All three proposed plan agents have extensive timber management experience.

Pooh, a tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff, worked for many years in the 100-Acre Wood. Wilson played a minor role in the much-despised 1999 Headwaters Agreement, and God created trees.

Pooh called his appointment “absolutely, positively splendiferous.”


At this point, we would definitely consider a name change

The aura of weird surrounding the David Gundersen rape case veered toward bizarre last week when the Times-Standard identified Margaret Gundersen as the driver of a vehicle that ran over and severely injured a 16-year-old McKinleyville High School student who was reportedly lying in a dark roadway near the school.

Those whose memories were not erased by Mandrake the Magician’s considerable powers will recognize Margaret, 48, as the ex-wife of Blue Lake Police Chief David Gundersen, who is accused of repeatedly drugging and raping both her and a younger replacement wife over a 10-year period.

The injured teen, identified as Stuart Christopher, has undergone a series of operations at UC Davis Medical Center in Sacramento to repair a shattered femur and broken hip. He is expected to recover.

District Attorney Paul Gallegos admitted he publicly disclosed the names of the two alleged rape victims when placed a series of unedited documents, including the confidentiality request filed by one of the women, into David Gundersen’s public file.

While a Christopher family spokesman now says the teen may have been walking in the roadway, not lying down, when he was hit, Margaret, a clerk at the Sheriff Office’s McKinleyville substation, passed a field sobriety test and has not been charged with or accused of any wrongdoing.

Lethargic bugs decide to skip whole blogging thing

Sorry, friends. We’re still too creatively corked from eating all those Easter Eggs.

Any known remedies? (And please don’t suggest anything involving a sharp stick. We already tried that.)

Lethargic Christ decides to skip whole rising-from-dead thing this year

Citing “a righteous case of burnout,” Jesus Christ announced late Saturday that he will not rise from the dead Sunday as expected.

“This Easter business is the same thing every year. Resurrection, transformation, ascension, blah blah blah. I’m totally over it,” He said, stifling a yawn. “If someone else wants to rule and reign for a while, I say have at it.”

When asked if the world might plunge into darkness and chaos as a result of His decision, the Savior said He wasn’t sure.

“Beats Me. It could go either way. In the last millennium I’ve actually stepped back a bit from the day-to-day functioning of the universe. Hell, both Notre Dame and Gonzaga got knocked out of the playoffs this weekend, and I basically just sat there.”

So how will the Lord Thy God spend Christianity’s holiest day?

“I’m thinking I’ll sleep in, grab some brunch and then hit the Open Grave in Trinidad for a couple Marys with My friends. Maybe after that I’ll go home and try to beat Nathan Rushton‘s Catch-a-Poo score.”

But the Lamb of God said there’s one thing He’ll miss.

“Really the only good thing about ascending into the heavens to be with God every year is that on the way up I can see where all the Easter eggs are hidden,” He said, but then shrugged. “Like I don’t already know.”

Health Impact Assessment demonstrates Health Impact Assessment proponents are unhealthy

As expected, a grant-funded Health Impact Assessment presented Thursday to the Planning Commission demonstrates that the most restrictive development option before the commission is by far the healthiest choice for Humboldt County.

The HIA, presented by Public Health Officer Dr. Ann Lindsay, shows that Alternative A, which would allow only minimal urban infill—a maximum of 6,000 additional housing units over the next 25 years—would reduce childhood obesity, improve access to vital services and lower greenhouse gas emissions.

The enormous health benefits that naturally accrue from living in crowded urban centers would increase even further if builders skimped on design and materials costs, according to the HIA.

The number of Planning Commissioners who nodded their heads approvingly while listening to this shit?

All of them.

The number of commissioners, supervisors, medical doctors or other HIA proponents who volunteered to live in the low-quality, high-density housing projects the assessment recommends?

Uh, yeah. That would be zero.

According to the results of an internet search, Dr. Lindsay herself, who oversaw the study, is said to live on North Bank Road, a low-density rural interface between McKinleyville and Fieldbrook.

Mark Lovelace, infill proponent extraordinaire, is listed as living on Buttermilk Lane in the unincorporated Bayside area. One of his neighbors, living on Coffey Lane, is our very own Community Development Disservices Director Kirk Girard.

Anti-sprawl supervisors Bonnie Neely and John Woolley are no better at living their high-density values.

Neely is listed at two addresses, one on Brindle Lane and the other on Glendale Court, both along the outer edge of the unincorporated Myrtletown area, while Woolley resides in a coastal zone on Melvin Road in the unincorporated Manila area.

As for the planning commissioners themselves, only one or two of the seven live within the boundaries of any incorporated city in Humboldt County.

We’re just asking, but does anyone else here ever grow weary of listening to people who live one way telling the rest of us we ought to live another? If ghettos are so wonderful, why aren’t they living in them?

Gallegos issues ruling on cause of Christ’s death

Just in time for the Easter holidays, Humboldt County District Attorney Paul Gallegos announced Friday his long-awaited decision to file a string of charges against the Golgotha police officers accused of killing Jesus Christ more than 2,000 years ago today.

Christ, 33, a former carpenter and resident of Galilee, was beaten, paraded through town and hanged from a cross after claiming to be God.

“This truly is a Good Friday,” Gallegos said in a written statement. “It’s a day for closure, for healing, and for reminding the men and women in law enforcement that there is nothing I won’t do to get revenge for their sweeping endorsement of Worth Dikeman in the last election.”

The charges against the officers have been sealed by court order, but Gallegos said he hopes to proceed to arraignment the next time he does something dumb and needs to divert attention away from his abysmal job performance and plummeting poll numbers.

“Could be any minute,” he said.

When asked why it took so long for him to make a charging decision, Gallegos cited an incomplete autopsy report, a missing body, all the half-days he’s been working while coaching his daughter’s soccer team and the seven full weeks of vacation he’s taken already this year.

“Also,” he said, “I had to wait while my final report on the case was run through that term paper website all the school teachers use now so we could be sure I hadn’t plagiarized anything important.”

The DA said he became interested in the cold case while watching a “Forensic Files” rerun on late-night TV.

In other law enforcement news, the California Department of Justice issued a statistical report showing that crime and stupidity have both risen sharply during Gallegos’ tenure, while convictions and accountability have declined.

Gallegos said he would respond to the report as soon as Ken Miller came up with something intelligent for him to say.

In political slut-fest, Humboldt County disappoints

As elected officials elsewhere occupied national headlines with lurid tales of sexual indiscretion, one analyst called Humboldt County’s meager contributions to the genre of interesting sex scandals “another troubling indicator of the region’s backwater status.”

Renowned sex guru Susie Sexpert said she was initially buoyed by news in February of the arrest of Blue Lake Police Chief David Gundersen on a dozen charges of spousal rape, but said her enthusiasm waned when she saw a photograph of him.

“Gundersen gets bonus points for that business with the guns and drugs, but extremely low marks for erotic content. It’s simply impossible to imagine any sexual encounter he might be involved in as anything other than gross and a little pathetic,” she said. “Seriously. Would you hit that?”

Meanwhile, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer shagged his way to greatness with a high-priced call-girl, and the day after Spitzer resigned, replacement Governor David Paterson and his wife both bragged to reporters that they had repeatedly cheated on each other.

Former New Jersey Governor “Skeevy” Jim McGreevey put Trenton on the map with his announcement that he had banged anything that didn’t run away from him.

More recently, Detroit Mayor Kwame “The Salami” Kilpatrick represented the Great Lakes region by spending thousands of tax dollars on an affair with his female chief of staff, while closer to home San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom proudly boned his campaign manager’s wife, and Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa nailed con mucho gusto an attractive television reporter.

“What we’re seeing is that world-class cities produce world-class sex scandals,” Sexpert said. “You guys aren’t even close.”

She cited “shitty weather, poor personal hygiene, low wages, limited shopping venues and an absence of Jamba Juice outlets” as factors contributing to the county’s low incidence of sexual intrigue.

Non-redundant broadband and the Richardson’s Grove bottleneck on Highway 101 could also play a role.

“Local politicians are just cut off from people hot enough to fuck up their lives over. When the cable goes down, civic leaders can’t even cruise juveniles on the internet,” she said. “It’s sad.”

Gallegos hires Mandrake the Magician to erase memories of alleged rape victims’ names

Humboldt County District Attorney Paul Gallegos has hired a magician to disappear from the public’s memory the names he illegally disclosed to the public of two women who accused Blue Lake Police Chief David Gundersen of raping them.

Gallegos revealed the names when he placed in files available to the public a series of confidential documents identifying the alleged victims by name.

“I hired this guy, Mandrake the Magician, during the 2006 campaign, and he really helped voters forget what a knob I’d been in the previous four years,” Gallegos said Tuesday.

“So after I threw all those confidential documents into Gundersen’s file and the newspaper called me on it, I thought—hey, a little magic could come in handy here as well.”

Gundersen’s wife, a Blue Lake police sergeant, and his ex-wife, who works at the Sheriff’s sub-station in McKinleyville, both reported to authorities that they were drugged and raped by Gundersen, who remains in custody awaiting trial.

Among the documents Gallegos released was a formal request for confidentiality submitted by one of the alleged victims.

Mandrake, who boasts among his other tricks the “illusion of competence” he created to help Gallegos pull the last election out of a rabbit’s ass, said his “magic” is actually a high-tech application based on space-time continuum gaps discovered during research on time machines.

“Basically I can take any finite moment—of stupidity, duplicity, infidelity, you name it—and cause the human psyche to sort of skip over it like it never occurred,” he said.

But his powers of illusion have limitations.

“’Finite moment’ is the key phrase here. For example, I can’t just wave a wand and get Paul’s original hairline or integrity back,” he said. “For that I’d have to eliminate more than a decade of human history, which would take us back to the dark ages of DOS-based operating systems and cell phones the size of toasters.”

Mandrake said he enjoys working for the DA but is also available for bar mitzvahs and children’s birthday parties.

For additional information, phone 268-2571.

Supervisor McNeely celebrates St. Pat’s Day with festive hat, Irish flag and authentic bird craps

Need we say more?

Clendenen issues new press release about nothing

Fortuna apple grower and candidate for the Second District seat on the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors Clif Clendenen issued a press release late Saturday stating that he is in fact still alive and continues to have deeply felt if somewhat inarticulate positions on issues of profound importance to county residents.

“What happened was we got together and cut some bits and pieces from Clif’s previous 50 press releases, pasted them back together in no particular order and then faxed and e-mailed the resulting jumble of pleasant but vacuous thoughts to around 700 people who all promptly threw it in the trash where it belongs,” said Clendenen media adviser David Jervis.

“It had something to do with reaching out, tapping resources and offering solutions,” Jervis said. “Fuck if I know, really. The guy’s a complete stick and we just keep issuing this shit because whenever we put him in front of a live audience we totally regret it.”

Jervis added that he didn’t think even Clendenen read the press statements.

“But he keeps them all in a leather binder that occupies a prominent position on his mantel. He’s extremely proud of the fact that (Fourth District Supervisor) Bonnie Neely picked him, out of all the inoffensive tools in Humboldt County, to attempt to settle her political scores with Roger Rodoni.”

The latest release expressed unequivocal support for solving problems, working together and doing something to disguise the vaguely psychotic look Clendenen always has on his face.

The candidate cares deeply about both puppies and orphans, and has proposed a bold plan to end homelessness by finding homes for people who don’t have them, according to the press release.

He is firmly pro-democracy, anti-genocide, and believes there ought to be laws against most of the things there are laws against.

For additional information about his campaign, or to pick up one of his popular campaign bumper stickers (“Not Roger and Not Gay”), phone his campaign hotline at 445-7715.

A friendly memo to the graphics department of the Humboldt Mirror

Dear Design Friends,

Thank you for your prompt response to our recent request for new masthead photos for the Humboldt Mirror. Unfortunately, we cannot put your amusing and obviously inebriated voicemail on the blog for our readers to see, as it is a sound recording and not a photograph as was requested.

Certainly your message was visually descriptive, so much so that we are left to wonder whether marijuana might be in general use among the design staff, or if there is another explanation for your spotty attendance and uneven performance, not to mention the extraordinary amount of traffic the Mirror receives each day from a hydroponics shop in Redway. (Free ad space, happy chiefers! No need to thank us. You earned it!!)

We’ve heard it before—everyone in the media smokes dank. Okay. We get it. But the hardworking reporters at the Times-Standard manage to set down the blunts long enough to put out a newspaper every morning, with time left over to visit the Mirror a couple dozen times a day.

And what are they looking for? Is it our trademark satire? Our rapier wit? Don’t be silly. Like everyone, they want fresh photos of Bonnie Neely in new and increasingly disparaging contexts.

Meanwhile, over at the Eureka Reporter, veteran journalo Nathan Rushton is writing several stories a day—and still finding time to reach “Super Shit Master” level of the addictive Catch-a-Poo game we linked to yesterday.

How do we know this? Are we psychic? We are not. The enterprising Mr. Rushton sent us a screen shot of his accomplishment (89 out of 100 poos, in case you’re curious), probably while blazing a fatty in the news room.

The point is, friends, productivity. This is key. We would like to get just one fucking dime bag of production out of you in the course of an eight-hour day. Is this too much to ask? We think not.

We need new artwork, and we need it yesterday. Supervisor Neely isn’t going to humiliate herself. She’s—what?? Oh that  Supervisor Neely.

Never mind.

We’re good.

Very Truly Yours,

The Humboldt Mirror Senior Management Team

Ken Miller calls for wipees, fresh underpants, as completely normal guy enters Third District race

Far-left string-puller and perennial sore loser Ken Miller deposited a massive load of stink in his chinos Wednesday upon learning that mainstream Democrat Bryan Plumley would challenge enviro-fascist Mark Lovelace for the Third District seat on the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors.

“All of Mark’s supporters should be shit-their-pants scared of Plumley,” said MIller, who characterized the late entrant into the race as “a guy we’re going to have a hard time smearing, pardon the pun.”

“He’s like human Olestra,” Miller said. “He’s from Arcata, he’s a Democrat, he’s worked for years to create jobs in the county, he actually makes sense, and he hasn’t already alienated half the voter-base. If that doesn’t cause a little fecal urgency among his competitors, I don’t know what will.”

As of Wednesday afternoon, six candidates had filed the requisite paperwork to run for the post that was put up for grabs when John Woolley decided to step down at the end of his current term.

Candidates included Plumley, Lovelace, landscaper and former Arcata City Councilman Paul Pitino, former Sacramento politico Christopher Lehman, Harbor Commissioner Mike Wilson, and carpenter and Humboldt Coalition for Property Rights rep Lee Ulansey.

But by Wednesday night, after Miller rolled the major deuce in his drawers, the field had unexpectedly narrowed to three.

Ulansey withdrew to throw his support behind Plumley, while Wilson and Lehman dropped out for reasons unknown.

Only Plumley, Pitino and Lovelace remained.

Plumley, 40, an Arcata business leader, told North Coast Journal Editor Hank Sims that he had no particular agenda but was interested in “economic development” and “competent management,” both of which Lovelace opposes.

Miller said he plans to sue Plumley’s campaign for the cost of having his slacks cleaned replaced, plus a few hundred thou for the emotional distress and lingering stench the nearly foot-long stink-pickle left behind.

Clendenen campaign manager calls ventriloquism act ‘political theater’

Fortuna ventriloquist Bill Thorington, the somewhat stilted voice behind sideman Clif Clendenen, called managing the apple grower’s campaign for the Second District seat on the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors the “biggest challenge” of his professional career.

“Talk about a dummy,” Thorington said, shaking Clendenen’s head. “I’ve worked with sock puppets that knew more about the issues than this guy.”

Thorington said they tried running the real Clendenen for the seat, currently filled by Roger Rodoni, but after hours of instruction and public speaking classes, the candidate still sounded “uninformed, wooden and not completely human.”

Thorington credited Fourth District Supervisor Bonnie Neely with the idea of using a Clendenen puppet to run against Rodoni as political payback for the incumbent’s independent voting record.

“Bonnie was a godsend,” Thorington said, noting that Neely kicked off Clendenen’s campaign by assigning her own longtime political handler, Meghan Vogel, to file the necessary paperwork and put semi-intelligent words in the candidate’s mouth until management duties could be transferred to a professional ventriloquist.

Neely also made introductions between campaign staff and disgraced political has-been Richard Salzman, who helps produce much of the dialog for the act.

Additionally, Thorington said, the campaign was “indebted” to Neely for leaking county information to the duo so that Clendenen could appear better informed than he is or ever will be.

“That letter Clif suggested the county send to the Palco bankruptcy court, it looked an awful lot like the one the board proposed a couple days later, didn’t it?” Thorington asked, pulling strings in Clendenen’s back so that the candidate appeared to be winking and smiling.

When asked if it was appropriate for one supervisor to blatantly attempt to unseat another, Thorington replied without moving his lips.

“This is just political theater. None of it’s real. Besides, Roger dug his own grave. He should know better than to stand up to Neely or ‘vote his conscience’ or whatever crap he wants to call it. I can assure you the board will have no such difficulties with Clif.”

Former biased news reporter Estelle Fennell is also running for the second district seat. Insiders believe her campaign is unlikely to survive a primary challenge in June, when it will likely be revealed that Eureka City Councilman Chris Kerrigan is pimping a low-level associate from John Edwards’ failed presidential crusade to manage her campaign.