Jesus Christ eyes Third District seat

The King of Kings and Lord of Lords is considering adding one more title to His name, that of Third District Supervisor for the Humboldt County board.

The Messiah would join an already crowded field of district residents looking to fill the seat that will be vacated when John Woolley steps down at the end of his current term.

In an exclusive interview with the Humboldt Mirror, the popular and approachable third of the Holy Trinity put up his sandaled feet and knocked back a bloody Mary as He discussed His possible entry into the race.

“I figured, you know, if it’s a spotty employment history and God-complex voters want, I’ll show them what that shit is all about.”

The Christ acknowledged that He once worked as a carpenter and has ruled and reigned off and on for the past 2,000 years. But He noted that like other potential candidates in the race, He has earned His living primarily from the “prudent fiscal management” of nontaxable contributions intended for other purposes.

“Running the world ain’t cheap,” He said. “All that telling people what to think and do, what to believe, how to live, pointing out over and over again the one true way—let’s just say it adds up,” He said, shaking His head.

“Certainly My possible competitors have experience with that, but only I have raised the necessary financial support to take moral grandstanding to a truly global audience.”

The Redeemer also said he’d been following the county’s General Plan Update for the past several hundred years and believed that under His leadership, supervisors could finally get the document “nailed down.”

When asked who He might name as His Campaign Manager of Campaign Managers, the Savior said He hadn’t yet decided.

“I’m not sure I even need a manager,” He said. “I mean, how do you run against the Son of God? I’ve already been working on some slogans. Check this out: ‘Jesus Christ—Who the fuck else is there?’ Or what about this one: ‘You’re either for Christ or you’re Antichrist.’ Get it?”

The Lord Your God has just one week to file papers declaring His candidacy.

Related posts: Lovelace mulls run against equally distasteful rival
Woolley to step down into hole he dug himself

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29 Responses

  1. Christ is too far right for Arcata.

  2. boring… You didn’t even work in anything about Arkley’s balls.

  3. LOVELACE, WILSON BOTH ASSUME MIRROR’S “GOD” ARTICLE ABOUT THEM…developing..

  4. Now this post will establish that nobody, real or spiritual, is off limits. I would have guessed that Our Lord and Savior drank Sea Breezes. Those other two candidates better start looking for Pontius Pilate and Barabbas, the only two men to have success against our Lord and Savior. (sort of)

    -boy

  5. You had me until I groaned at “nailed down”. LOL.
    I have to say Jesus is the only candidate that could bring a little sanity to the job, but since He’s probably busy, insanity will continue to reign.

  6. That one was a bit obvious, wasn’t it, Jen? We were desperate to get a crucifixion joke in there somewhere, and probably overreached just a bit….

  7. *groan* “Overreached”? Keep trying. How about “Well my jokes may be a bit wooden but….”

  8. Wooley- okay
    Lovelace-bad

  9. At least you didn’t leave us hanging.

  10. Now you done it. You’ve broken the story too early. If he decides not to run, all Arcata will ask, “My God, my God, Why hast thou forsaken me?”

  11. I do not like the tattoo on Bonnie’s forehead. The sunglasses and the joint was cute, but I don’t feel comfortable. Humor or not; that is how I feel.
    xoxoxo

  12. We respect that, Carol. The Mark of the Beast Neely will be rotated by Monday. Ignore us until then, and then come on back and check out a new, less offensive Bonnie. Thanks for throwing us some xoxoxos anyway. You’re one of our faves!

  13. Not that I want to interfere with artistic notions but I suggest Rodoni in a pink tutu for next week.

  14. Roman numerals are less offensive:

    VI VI VI

    See?

  15. Really good thinking, Turtle. Not only did we use Roman numerals, we also went with a comic sans font! Combined, we think it screams ‘we’re just kidding!’ although in Latin so no one understands.

  16. Dixit Dominus.

    Roman numerals look really nice.

    xoxoxo, Humbug and turtle.

    I like Kym’s idea about the pink tutu. Funny!

  17. Anything for the Carol!!

    Not so sure about the pink tutu, though. As luck would have it, we do have a Rodoni photo, but it’s a head shot. How do we put a pink tutu on his head?

  18. I TOTALLY want to see Roger in a tutu. That would be awesome.

  19. But the logistical issue, friend. How do we overcome that? Tutus go on butts. We have only faces. Figure this one out for us, smart friends!

  20. Alright, how about Rodoni in drag queen makeup? But I’m reluctant to give up my earlier vision.

  21. Stay true to your dreams!!

  22. Not to suggest moderation of your alleged “ridiculous piffle”, perhaps a Rodoni pirate picture. He has a bald head already, and a patch might do the trick with…aww…WTF am I doing trying to give Blogger Genius advice?

    I will go back to my seat and wait for the next picture.

    -boy

  23. Arrrrgh, matey! We love the pirate!!

  24. But the logistical issue, friend. How do we overcome that? Tutus go on butts. We have only faces. Figure this one out for us, smart friends!

    Roninny’s head nestled on a tutu makes sense — Ass=butt, ergo….

  25. Oh don’t go with the pirate. EVERYBODY is doing pirates.

  26. Okay Rodoni in drag make-up, but wearing a hemp thong.

  27. No butt so no hemp thong but I think dreads and a PALCO cap would be interesting.

  28. Nice. The Mirror Graphics Department will get right on it.

  29. “no butt so no hemp thong”…sorry I figured the Mirror could just insert any horse’s ass and it would be the Rodoni stand in.

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