Eurekans to build playground as tribute to Orange Devil

Eureka residents are scheduled to gather at Hammond Park later this month to construct a monument in homage to Satan and Home Depot, who are working together to bring the evils of employment, affordable building supplies and children’s swing sets to the North Coast.

“The project will look an awful lot like a playground,” said Eureka City Councilman Jeff Leonard, who is blamed for the city’s receipt of a $50,000 grant from a shadowy nonprofit called KaBOOM! that will fund replacement of dilapidated play equipment at the 14th and E streets park.

“But don’t be fooled,” Leonard added. “In reality, it will be used as a pagan youth training ground where our kids can learn to conjure the demons of capitalism from the deepest bowels of hell.”

KaBOOM! is funded in part by Home Depot, the malevolent orange big-box that hopes to open a storefront as part of the controversial Marina Center development project slated for a tract of property that transients, stray cats and other endangered species currently call home.

But the retailing giant’s public relations problems don’t stop there. Home Depot actually advertises the fact that it irresponsibly purchases almost all of its wood from North American forests instead of supporting continued deforestation in vulnerable and largely unregulated Third World ecosystems.

KaBOOM!, Home Depot and other donors also conspired to spend more than $10 million gratuitously rebuilding an entire Mississippi town and 100 children’s playgrounds that were destroyed by Hurricane Katrina.

“I gave five bucks to some Girl Scouts who were raising money for Katrina victims,” said virtuous environmentalist Mark Lovelace, who opposes the project and is running for a seat on the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors, “and that contribution came straight from the heart. But county residents are right to be suspicious of people and organizations that solve problems on a large scale rather than making token gestures and then complaining for decades afterward when nothing changes.”

His chief criticism of the Hammond Park playground project is that the process has been “too efficient,” he said.

“Where are the endless meetings the far left uses to showcase its public speaking skills and dramatically misrepresent the issues? Where are the environmental impact reports? Where are the CEQA studies, the public comment sessions? Neither Ken Miller nor myself were even consulted about this project. Can you believe that?”

The process, according to Lovelace, has been “downright undemocratic. Jeff starts flapping his lip in December about some playground bullshit for children, and by the end of March they’re building the thing? It’s too much too fast. We should have spent more time arguing about the process instead of actually getting something done.”

Leonard said the “playground” will include play equipment for children, a mural of Cesar Chavez and an altar for ritual human sacrifice.

Residents interested in supporting this unholy public-private alliance are invited to a community workday at Hammond Park on Saturday, March 29, to help landscape the park and assemble the new equipment.

For additional information or to volunteer your time, phone Meredith VandenBranden at 707-269-2019.

Related posts: Lovelace mulls run against equally distasteful rival
North Coast residents celebrate jobless jump

29 Responses

  1. sheeit, bug…ima gonna bust a gut laughin…

    its a gawd dayum conspiracy i tell ya…just as i was a tellin marky mark lovelace just this last week when i saw him at the den of beezlebub himself, the bayshore mall…

  2. Yo, Yo… Nice to have you stop by. (That is, of course, assuming you are the real Yo… and not the nefarious faux Yo…???)

  3. nope, not fauxYo (hmmm FauxYOU has the makings of a good put down… ) just lil old me, err…margaret campbell, i mean Chris crawford, or hell, dennis mayo…

  4. WHAT!!? They didn’t consult with Mark and Ken? My God, don’t they realize Ken could raise that fifty grand with one phone call?

    Can you imagine the good that could be done if the activist community would lay down their arms and use their forces for good? It’s reminiscent of that old bumper sticker about holding a bake sale to buy a bomber… for starters they could get the funds to renovate lBoy Most Likely To’s client’s bathroom. The money and effort wasted tearing down all the people who are trying to build, create and fix something is just astounding.

  5. What better gift to the children of this community than to teach then the importance of the Human Sacrifice! In honor of the Mural of Mr. Chavez, I will fast in solidarity for…alright maybe just four hours. See if I like it!

    Thanks for the shout out Rose. I have good news. My client has the money to fix his bathroom, part of it from family, and part of it from savings. However, I will see if the landlord wants to comply with building codes first.

    boy (son of migrant workers!)

  6. What in the fu** is up with Bonnie as Ronald?

  7. Wouldn’t that be Ronnie??

  8. She changed salons, that’s all. At least now we get a free toy with our zoning variance!

  9. Are there any trees in Hammond Park? Maybe I’ll bring my bongos, sit in a tree and protest while playing my bongos.

  10. Seeing as all sentient beings who read the intertoobz know that DailyKos is the true Great Orange Satan, this Tony Stewart pit crew is really nothing more than a front for illicit dog fighting in the Tidewater of Virginia.

    As for Che, he’s pretty goddamned wimpy, let’s go straight to the top, straight to the ….


  11. Or maybe we should just stick with the Chairman of the Board …

  12. Personally, I would go for the Chariman of the Board. Man, could that man croon!

  13. Disclaimer-I am not the Humboldt Mirror type person.

    That Marx guy.

  14. Who pays an environmentalist?

  15. Is this like a knock-knock joke? We’re stumped. Who’s there??

  16. Many charitable organizations pay some of their staff a salary. That includes environmental organizations.

  17. Gol-ly, Jane Doe–er, we mean Anonymous 7:12. You told us you would never be back! We struggled, we cried, we worked through all the phases of the grieving process–but here you are again! We swoon with joy. No really. We do!!

  18. So – who is paying you Jane, and who is paying Lovelace? Nichols? etc.

    No, this is not a rhetorical question.

  19. Readers are finding it very fashionable to post as “Anonymous” this spring.


  20. Hey – this is the best that I have seen Bonnie’s make-up done all year. What salon is she going to?

    And Jane – I am blowing a raspberry to you here gal. Seems that you couldn’t make good on your promise to leave and never come back to the Mirror.

    Oh well, I guess that we can all stop laughing long enough to harass you to the extent necessary to see you fly back to the “dark side.”

  21. Brief relapse at Mirror…”We got it handled” says Bug, putting away the Valtrex…

  22. Mark Lovelace used to design banjos in San Jose; got too crowded there and he did not get his way (that 80% of the current human population should DIE so He has enough room to live) so he moved to Garberville and subsequently ARCATA. No one knows how much he makes from blathering for the environmental whackos; Sierra Club, Nature Conserevancy, NEC, Healthy Humboldt, Bay Keepers, Humboldt Watershed Council…And Yes he HAS his; over 3 acres but everyone else “will” live in barrack like ghettos (“infill”) in the sub-urban areas of our County “or else”. Suburban my left toe… Reminds some of us of Bergen-Belson, Auschwitz (pardon the mis-spells). If that’s an image that pisses people off: ITS ABOUT TIME TO WAKE THE F UP DON’T YA THINK?????? Leave people alone!

  23. Humbug? Are you in jail or something? Where is the parrot? Hello? Anyone home? HELLO?

  24. Look up Godwin’s law loser.

  25. If you want a real Godwins’s law loser, read through the many rants of your friend Larry Evans, 4:11.

  26. “Look up Godwin’s law loser.”

    No shit. Comparing a local environmentalist to the horror of the Shoah is just a bit over the top, no?

    Then again, read any dumbass rightwing or wingnut blog, and that crap is par for the course, hell, even that load of human garbage Jonah “Doughy Pantload” Goldberg wrote a book called “Liberal Fascism.”

    The again, Goldberg is a blithering idiot.

  27. Newsflash!–You there, mate? Cortisol exposure not yet contained. Anonymous 4:11 is (gasp!) Jane Doe who won’t be back but in fact IS back–again!! We’re counting on you here to deliver us from evil (or at least the small-mindedness of our self-appointed moral superiors).

    And big bug apologies, other friends, for the bird shortage today. Technical difficulties with the ol’ operating system. That Carson Park Mofo is probably behind the whole thing. Hope to be back in action tomorrow.

    Bring your binoculars, Jane!!

  28. Jane is into S&M. Thats why she keeps coming back again and again. Seems pretty chicken shit to be posting as an anon thought. Whats a matter little Janie…are you embarassed to use your own name on the Mirror?r

  29. oh hell, I hit the damn button too soon. That should be “embarrassed.”

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