Fortuna apple grower and candidate for the Second District seat on the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors Clif Clendenen issued a press release late Saturday stating that he is in fact still alive and continues to have deeply felt if somewhat inarticulate positions on issues of profound importance to county residents.
“What happened was we got together and cut some bits and pieces from Clif’s previous 50 press releases, pasted them back together in no particular order and then faxed and e-mailed the resulting jumble of pleasant but vacuous thoughts to around 700 people who all promptly threw it in the trash where it belongs,” said Clendenen media adviser David Jervis.
“It had something to do with reaching out, tapping resources and offering solutions,” Jervis said. “Fuck if I know, really. The guy’s a complete stick and we just keep issuing this shit because whenever we put him in front of a live audience we totally regret it.”
Jervis added that he didn’t think even Clendenen read the press statements.
“But he keeps them all in a leather binder that occupies a prominent position on his mantel. He’s extremely proud of the fact that (Fourth District Supervisor) Bonnie Neely picked him, out of all the inoffensive tools in Humboldt County, to attempt to settle her political scores with Roger Rodoni.”
The latest release expressed unequivocal support for solving problems, working together and doing something to disguise the vaguely psychotic look Clendenen always has on his face.
The candidate cares deeply about both puppies and orphans, and has proposed a bold plan to end homelessness by finding homes for people who don’t have them, according to the press release.
He is firmly pro-democracy, anti-genocide, and believes there ought to be laws against most of the things there are laws against.
For additional information about his campaign, or to pick up one of his popular campaign bumper stickers (“Not Roger and Not Gay”), phone his campaign hotline at 445-7715.
Filed under: Humboldt County | Tagged: Clif Clendenen, complete stick, David Jervis, firmly pro-democracy and anti-genocide, inoffensive tool, jumble of pleasant but vacuous thoughts, major wanker, Not Roger and Not Gay, press release about nothing, that phone number's actually the Mental Health hotline |