Humboldt Mirror reader complains about un-peed pants

The Humboldt Mirror, the county’s premier satirical blog, has not been all that funny lately, and both of its readers are demanding to know why.

“I log on every morning hoping to read something that’s going to cause spontaneous urinary leakage, like before,” said longtime Mirror-reader Dennis Mayo. “But all there ever is anymore is some shit about Blue Lake and other parts of the county the rest of us wrote off decades ago.”

Mayo’s criticism echoed that of Humboldt County Community Development Disservices Director Kirk Girard, whose obsessive vanity-Googling accounts for almost 50 percent of the blog’s estimated 2,500 hits per day.

“They’re just not relevant anymore,” Girard said of the lovable blue Humbug, his unnamed sidekick and their sprawling corporate infrastructure, which includes a bungling Information Technology Department and spliff-smoking, ne’er-do-well Graphics Department.

“I mean, fuck,” Girard said. “They haven’t mentioned me once in almost a month. Now my staff spends all day laughing at me directly instead of laughing at them laughing at me.”

The problem is so bad, Girard alleged, that most of his staff have gone back to surfing porn sites all day.

Contacted by phone late Thursday, the bugs were, as usual, drunk and playing with themselves Catch-a-Poo.

When informed of the reader complaints, the Humbug apologized for what he called “unacceptable quality control deficiencies,” and said a team of top-flight consultants would be brought in “to increase efficiencies and restore public incontinence.”

“I’m not making any excuses here, but you have to try to understand what it was like for us to go almost overnight from being anonymous fuck-wits to full-blown blog-stars,” the Humbug said, “and I do mean blown. We walk down the road, and women pretty much throw ass at us. We get comped at Avalon. Rob Arkley’s got us on speed-dial. I guess it just kind of went to our heads.”

The Humbug added that if the blog didn’t get funnier within the next two weeks, he would “personally piss the pants of every resident in the county. That’s my promise to you.”

Anyone else with complaints about the Mirror is encouraged to contact the bugs at Complainants may remain anonymous.


34 Responses

  1. Oh Christ, bugs. Things are looking up already.

  2. That’s the problem with setting the bar so high. People start to expect things.

  3. Never bring a dozen roses to a first date.

  4. or Ambien and wine

  5. You will never be as witty as, say…Ekovox.

  6. 2,500 hits per day

    Ah, but how many are daily unique visitors?

  7. Or Heraldo. What a comic. That bitch cracks me up.

    …? I mean, it is supposed to be funny… right?

  8. Talk about anonymous fuck-wits, 7:57. When someone makes fun of themselves for not being funny, only a twat like you would say yeah, you’re not funny. Dick-smack.

  9. May I suggest that the Mirror concentrate more on Mark Lovelace and his compatriots. They seem to be able to supply an un-ending amount of humorous material….

  10. As we said in the post, Carol, we think Girard accounts for at least half the hit action. Bon Bon’s probably good for another third. So that leaves you, the other five or so regulars, our mothers, and Jane Doh. What mindshare!!

  11. The tags! Remember? Even when you slop over into being serious they are always funny.

  12. If one more dog gets added to BonBon’s table she may disappear and then what are we going to laugh at?

    8:22 am just might have something — After looking at Loveless’ web site, I got a big laugh out of it. Seems like a lot of the things he will do as a Supe is enhance Arcata’s econ development. The Supes only take up matters in the unincorporated county. Is Arcata giving up their city council?

  13. I agree wholeheartedly, you guys suck, like a young Republican on a congressional staff.

  14. Thanks. I am mollified.

  15. What, is Bon Bon now playing the part of Gregory Peck in the boys from brazil?

  16. Good on you, Blue. That one made the “raves” page! Congrats!!

  17. Which one? Bon Bon or congressional staff?

  18. Do we have to push the fucking button for you??!! Click the “That” in our previous post, you insulting (and still lovable!!) bastard.


  19. Goddammit, that fucking settles it, I’m calling Tom “Bug Killa” Delay right fucking now to come exterminate your buggy butts.

    mumble grumble mumble stumble grumble … fuckin’ bugs.

  20. ‘morning, bugs! Who is the shadow person in your header?

  21. That’s Shannon Miranda checking out Bonnie’s dogs.

  22. So it’s true, my nic has a nic. I am honored that the HELP Mirror would honor me in such a way, but I rarely read this so you must have more people reading your site than you thought.

  23. Would that we had one less.

  24. Have you noticed how the Heraldo-ites try to characterize everyone they disagree with as a developer, an Arkley pawn, or both? Heraldo paints Bryan Plumley as a HumCPRer, even though Bryan’s only connection to the organization is that he once had a conversation with Lee Ulansey. And now Jane Doh says Humbug is a spokesman for HELP. What small-minded little twits we have in this county. Just because Heraldo and his brain dead followers are incapable of independent thought doesn’t mean the rest of us are.

  25. We’re not even sure what HELP stands for. Heraldo Eats Lizard Poop?

  26. Hairy Eels Look Phat

  27. Hapless Enviro Losers Pissoff

  28. Help Employ Liars Program

  29. Horny Elderly Ladies’ Pajamas

  30. Whew Anon 4:37! I was worried what that P was going to stand for

  31. I hear ya, 4:58. So tempting and yet so … gross.

  32. JANE!!!!

    Jane DOE!!!! The morgue called, they want the toe tag back!

  33. “I rarely read this”, sure just morning/noon/before bed. Although I believe many are reading blog your huge jump up on the google tree has to have been helped by the heraldo cult.

  34. heraldo eats lizard poop…..

    sooooo f’ing funny! Hell I am headed into the laundry room for a change of clothes!

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