Imagine how excited you would be if the Super Bowl were played by two teams of naked supermodels. Throw in free chicken wings and all the beer you can drink, and that’s the sort of Mothers Day celebration your wife is expecting tomorrow.
Sure, on Fathers Day you’ll still be expected to mow the lawn. But it would be a mistake to think that Mothers Day and Fathers Day have anything in common, other than both being Days.
Has anyone ever told you Fathers Day is sacred? Probably not. Are there commercials on TV about buying fathers diamonds on their day? There are not. We get underpants and drill bits, while she gets chocolate-covered strawberries dropped into her mouth by a staff of Greek masseuses.
You’d think our wives gave birth to the Christ child instead of those sullen creatures who break into our beer fund at least once a week to snake money for condoms and violent video games.
But we digress.
As a service to new fathers, we’ve compiled a list of things NOT to get your wives for Mothers Day.
- Flowers from the gas station
- Flowers from your neighbors yard
- Flowers that didn’t cost at least $25
- Any gift that doesn’t include flowers
- A PBR suitcase
- A recliner
- A six-foot sub sandwich
- His and hers beer helmets
- A Maglite multi-pack
- A large screen TV
- Anything bearing the likeness of Cindy Crawford
- A mini-fridge for the living room
- Her own fishing license
- A Costco-sized bottle of Tylenol
Happy Mothers Day, friends.
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