A brief note to new fathers

Imagine how excited you would be if the Super Bowl were played by two teams of naked supermodels. Throw in free chicken wings and all the beer you can drink, and that’s the sort of Mothers Day celebration your wife is expecting tomorrow.

Sure, on Fathers Day you’ll still be expected to mow the lawn. But it would be a mistake to think that Mothers Day and Fathers Day have anything in common, other than both being Days.

Has anyone ever told you Fathers Day is sacred? Probably not. Are there commercials on TV about buying fathers diamonds on their day? There are not. We get underpants and drill bits, while she gets chocolate-covered strawberries dropped into her mouth by a staff of Greek masseuses.

You’d think our wives gave birth to the Christ child instead of those sullen creatures who break into our beer fund at least once a week to snake money for condoms and violent video games.

But we digress.

As a service to new fathers, we’ve compiled a list of things NOT to get your wives for Mothers Day.

  • Flowers from the gas station
  • Flowers from  your neighbors yard
  • Flowers that didn’t cost at least $25
  • Any gift that doesn’t include flowers
  • A PBR suitcase
  • A recliner
  • A six-foot sub sandwich
  • His and hers beer helmets
  • A Maglite multi-pack
  • A large screen TV
  • Anything bearing the likeness of Cindy Crawford
  • A mini-fridge for the living room
  • Her own fishing license
  • A Costco-sized bottle of Tylenol

Happy Mothers Day, friends.

Something new to argue about

Governor Schwarzenegger Appoints Johanna Rodoni District II Humboldt County Supervisor

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today announced the appointment of Johanna Rodoni to the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors representing District II.

“Johanna is deeply rooted in Humboldt County and has been an active member of the local community for years,” said Governor Schwarzenegger. “She is a dedicated public servant and I am confident that she will continue to build on the extraordinary contributions made by her late husband, former Supervisor Roger Rodoni.”

Since 2003, Rodoni has served as executive director of The Buckeye Conservancy, an organization dedicated to preserving the ecologic and economic sustainability of natural resources in the North Coast Region of California. Additionally, she has co-owned and managed a family-owned cattle ranch, Rodoni Ranch, since 1920.

Rodoni currently is a member of the Humboldt County Fair Board of Directors, California Cattlemen’s Association, Humboldt County CattleWomen’s Association, Humboldt County Farm Bureau and The Redcrest Grange. In 1996, she joined the Fortuna Chamber of Commerce and served on the board of directors from 2004 to 2007. From 1998 to 2006, Rodoni served as chair for the Humboldt County Fish and Game Advisory Commission and, from 1991 to 1993, served as president for the Humboldt County CattleWomen’s Association.

“I am honored to be in a position to take up where Roger left off,” said Johanna Rodoni. “I will use my years of service within the community to address important issues facing Humboldt County and I look forward to serving with the same honest character as my husband.”

Rodoni, 59, of Scotia, was awarded Humboldt County Cattlewoman of the Year in 1993. Additionally, she and her late husband Roger Rodoni received a certificate of appreciation from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service for outstanding contributions to the nation’s fish and wildlife resources in 2007. This position does not require Senate confirmation and the compensation is $69,665. Rodoni is a Republican.

The Humboldt County Board of Supervisors is the elected body representing the people of Humboldt County. There are five districts that elect the five-person board of supervisors. District II represents the cities of Fortuna and Rio Dell as well as the unincorporated areas of Garberville, Phillipsville and Miranda.

Pursuant to California Government Code § 25060, the Governor has the appointing authority to fill a vacancy on a county board of supervisors until the next general election cycle. The appointee of the Governor must be an elector of the district which he/she will represent for 30 days immediately preceding the appointment and reside in the district during his/her incumbency. The appointee will hold office until the election and qualification of a successor with such election to be held at the next general election unless the term would expire in January following such general election. When a vacancy continues from the failure of the person elected to succeed the appointee to qualify for office, the Governor’s appointee holds for the unexpired term.

The District II seat of the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors currently has a vacancy due to the passing of Supervisor Roger Rodoni on April 24, 2008.

Good grief

Ah, the privileges of elected office. You can return phone calls if you feel like it, attend meetings if you want—and “work from home” for weeks at a time.

Supervisor Bonnie Neely hasn’t spent a day in her office since Roger Rodoni’s untimely death almost two weeks ago. When asked for an explanation—not that she’s required to provide one—the Bon Bon volunteered that she was too grief-stricken by Roger’s passing to maintain regular office hours.

So sensitive of her! We’re touched. Of course, this suggests she’s taking her fellow supervisor’s death quite a bit harder than people who actually liked Roger, all of whom have long since resumed their normal daily activities.

But grief causes people to do strange things. Just ask Kirk Girard.

It would be fascinating to hear what role Roger’s death might have played in the Disservices Director’s decision to withdraw an offer on a San Francisco-area residence less than 24 hours after Roger died.

Was there a dramatic shift in market conditions? A significant change in interest rates? Well, no. It was probably just the sadness talking. Kirk and Roger were always so close.

And now for a little perspective

Yesterday, while news outlets around the world trumpeted reports of 10,000 deaths from the Myanmar cyclone, the most-read story of the day on both CNN and MSNBC was a piece about a team of scientists attempting to fit a bald eagle with a prosthetic beak.

Today, we are told, the death toll from the cyclone has jumped to more than 22,000, with another 41,000 people reported missing. Are those numbers big enough yet to make us care about Myanmar’s children?

To learn more about what we can do to help, click here, or phone the Humboldt chapter of the American Red Cross at 443-4521.

Bugs hold Third Annual Undercooked Chicken Contest

It’s that time of year again, friends, and as a public service to both of our readers, the bugs are revealing for the first time their secret recipe for family fun in the sun.

Ingredients:

  • 1 chicken (see below)
  • 1 handful of soggy briquets left over from last summer
  • Not enough lighter fluid
  • 1 12-pack of PBR
  • 2 bugs
  • 2 bug wives to tell us we’re doing it wrong
  • 5 bug kids to pelt us with insults and Frisbees
  • A second 12-pack of PBR
  • 1 bug dog
  • Extract of bug dog
  • 4 full rolls of Charmin Ultra

Directions:

  • Cut chicken into recognizable parts
  • When this fails, go back to store and buy chicken already cut into recognizable parts
  • Begin drinking PBR
  • Fuss with barbecue for endless amount of time
  • Administer generous serving of dog extract to shoes; swear, rinse, repeat
  • Ignore kids unless they’re drowning in something
  • Drink more
  • Locate soggy briquets in back of garage
  • Attempt to light; repeat
  • Briefly discuss topics of general manly interest
  • When coals are warm to the touch, place chicken on grill
  • Cook for five minutes, or until harmful bacteria rise visibly to surface
  • Serve

A couple of pointers here: First, salmonella poisoning is rarely fatal. You may wish to die, but you probably won’t. Keep that in mind when considering an expensive trip to the emergency room.

And second: There’s no shame in sending your 13-year-old on a beer run. No shame at all. After you’ve knocked back a dozen PBRs, the kid probably drives better than you anyway.

Have a great weekend!!

Deepest condolences from Carlos Quilez

April 29, 2008

Dear Governor Schwarzenegger,

… I do not believe being the wife of a deceased Supervisor to be a qualification for an elected position. …

Sincerely,

Carlos Quilez

So tasteful of him to have dated the letter one day before the unqualified widow was able to lay her husband to rest.

We’re sure Carlos sends his heartfelt condolences, etc.