Okay OKAY. Damn.

Dear Still Laughing My Ass Off,

Thank you for your numerous e-mails to the Humboldt Mirror, and for the remarkable persistence with which you send them.

So yes, to answer your question, in fact we are aware that Bonnie Neely recently changed party affiliation and will now repeatedly run for her Fourth District seat as a Democrat.

Happy now? Okay.

In other stunning news, Neely also announced that on U.S. Census forms she will now identify her marital status as “separated” and her race as “white.”

Thanks again for your letters, SLMAO. If either of our other readers has anything interesting or amusing to say, he or she can drop us a line at humboldtmirror@gmail.com.

The Bugs

Freshwater Tissue Co: Wipe-out or royal flush?

What are the chances that Humboldt County, a place not previously known for personal hygiene, could become the toilet paper capital of California?

Reading the information provided on the Freshwater Tissue Co. website, it’s hard to say. But FTC President Bob Simpson, whose company purchased the Samoa pulp mill in February, sounds confident.

In a video posted on the website, Simpson boasts that FTC would “produce an essential product that is somewhat recession-proof in that every consumer in America has to buy it.”

While that is a slight overstatement, we find ourselves in a rare moment of agreement not only with Bonnie Neely, who supports the project, but also with the ubiquitous Prog tool Kaitlin Sopoci-Belknap. That the latter ostensibly presides over a ratepayer-supported water district and yet in an official letter of support to a US Congressman misspells “ratepayer” pretty much tells you everything you need to know about her.

It remains to be seen whether the support of these two public savants will withstand reality, or if this is just something they’re saying to cling to elected office. Regardless, we’re enthusiastic about the project and hope Simpson is able to raise the necessary capital.

Sure, we’re talking about toilet paper, and there will be jokes. We’ll undoubtedly tell a few of them ourselves. But we wouldn’t mind a bit if bathroom tissue eventually edged out Humboldt County’s other top exports—marijuana and national news stories making fun of Arcata—and replaced some of the thousands of jobs Neely and the Progressives have, through the years, worked so hard to drive away.

Exclusive: Humboldt Mirror scores interview with former NEC director

Shove over, Barbara Walters. Former Northcoast Environmental Center director Greg King took a few minutes out of his humiliating retreat for a little Q and A with the Humboldt Mirror.

The man whose claim to fame was finding a forest that had never been lost and, more recently, running the NEC into its own contaminated ground will likely be remembered as a folk hero, a true eco-warrior, and a surprisingly crappy businessman.

Humboldt Mirror: So Greg. Man. Why don’t you start off by telling us how the NEC went broke.
Greg King: Well, I spent a lot of money and raised very little. I’m told that may have been a factor.

HM: Seems like that would do it.
GK: Yeah. We bought a house we couldn’t afford, and then dumped another boatload of money greening it out. Everything all solar and made out of carrots and shit. It was pretty cool, to tell you the truth, and it was like four bucks a month for the PG&E, before it got shut off. Also that whole cleanup thing on our property was way more expensive than you’d think, even skirting environmental regs the way we did. We ended up capping most of it, but don’t tell anyone because then we won’t be able to act all outraged when everyone else does it.

HM: You had some big shoes to fill.
GK: You have no idea. Every day it was Tim (McKay, longtime NEC director) did this, and oh, Tim did that, until finally I was like, ‘Yeah, well you know who else did all that? Fucking Jesus. Now shut the hell up.’

HM: Talk to us about the Klamath settlement.
GK: Yeah. Wow. We didn’t see that coming. By then money was already tight, because we had shifted toward a Baykeeper model, where instead of raising money by doing good things, you raise it by suing everyone. The advantage to that approach is that then you don’t actually have to do the good things. And in fact the fewer good things that happen, the more people there are to sue.

HM: But wasn’t doing good the point?
GK: The point of what?

HM: Of the NEC.
GK: Oh. Well, okay, sure, but clean rivers and healthy habitats don’t pay the bills. No one writes checks for species that don’t need saving and rivers that don’t need un-damming, you know?

HM: Right. So Greg, do you think maybe you weren’t the right person for the job?
GK: Maybe. It’s just too bad the organization didn’t need any trespassing or guitar playing, because I’m really good at both of those.

HM: What’s next for Greg King?
GK: Well I think my wife and daughter and I are going up to the Smith to unplug and get back in synch with nature.

HM: So you’re moving into a broken-down camper on the banks of the river?
GK: It centers us.

HM: Well thanks. I appreciate your candor.
GK: Yeah okay. Can I get that ten-spot now?

Oh, you decide.

We’re plotting our glorious return, and boy will it be mediocre!!

The irreverence you love…. The irrelevance you’ve come to expect….

That’s right, friends! Just as soon as we round up those lazy bastards from the Graphics Department, The Humboldt Mirror will reclaim its spotty reputation and half-hearted production schedule. Go ahead! Thank us!!

But this may take a while. Last we heard from those miscreant designers, they were muling transporting kush product for Chris Kerrigan’s latest failure venture. Let’s hope Chris is a better dealer agricultural retailer than campaign manager (although it’s statistically unlikely that he could be any worse).

So listen up, Graphics Department. We’ve got things to do, people to skewer, trouble to cause.  And how are we to do this without the highly stylized if somewhat predictable graphic content both of our readers have come to know and love? Hmm? How?

So come on home to the bugs. Put down that dank and crack open an honest, wholesome PBR. Think of the fun we’ll have, the shit we’ll disturb, the many seconds of entertainment we’ll provide.

And if that’s not working for you, think of the information we’ll turn over to your parole officers if you don’t.

Yeah. That information.

What?? You’re coming back? We’re delighted!!

See you very soon, friends!