This Week in Stupid

douchetrophyWelcome to the first edition of This Week in Stupid, a new weekly column in which we will present the coveted Douchebaggy Award to the person or persons who best exemplify the mental ineptitude that has made this county the clusterfuck it is today.

Our first week of competition turned into a tag team event. Larry Glass and Sheryl Schaffner, with their poorly conceived rental housing ordinance, faced off against the relentlessly opinionated husband-wife duo of Jeff Schwartz and Marcy Burstiner, whose contributions to American letters last week proved even stupid people can become lawyers and college professors.

First, Mr. Schwartz lamented the difficult lot of the professional classes who, even with their multiple degrees and cush jobs, still can’t always afford to send their kids to private schools. Not only that, but now they’re expected to pay for their own childcare, and they have no special immunity to contagious disease. Our hearts break! But, uh, counselor? You do recall that you recently quit a job that paid $96,000 a year, which is more than three times the average Humboldt County income, right? So honestly–how sorry for you do you expect us to feel?

Ms. Burstiner, meanwhile, took local media to task for failing to describe the budget cuts that caused her to be furloughed three days a month as “tragic.” Well, professor, one person’s “tragedy” is another’s balanced budget. If you’re teaching your journalism students to insert this kind of opinion into the news stories they write, maybe your three-day furlough should be described as “inadequate” instead.

So Jeff and Marcy, this Douchebaggy’s for you!

Well that’s it for now. Stay tuned for the next installment of This Week in Stupid. Send your nominations to humboldtmirror@gmail.com.

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20 Responses

  1. There’s stiff competition in this town.

  2. We need a sponsor for this weekly award.

  3. Boy–you are so right! Any suggestions?

  4. I think the midget and his lifts are jealous.

  5. I think the midget and his lifts are getting jealous.

  6. Anonymous–what are your thoughts on the midget and his lifts getting jealous?

  7. How about Richard Marks for the worst facial hair?

    Poor guy’s got a ungroomed vagina on his face

  8. Oh mighty Humbug. YOUR FUCKING NAILED IT.

    I am so laughing at loud. Schwartz and Burstiner deserve each other. Both are f’ing maroons. The one unanwerable question is why they both find the need to remind us constantly of it. And what is with the NCJ for constantly printing Burstiner’s drivel?

  9. Answer: about the same as why the TS constantly prints Schwartz’s drivel. But that is the paper that also prints Dumbass Driscoll and Farty Faulk’s vacuous and inane crap also.

  10. ‘Wartz complains about the public trough running out of slop. Just dig your piggy little face in deeper dude. Nobody owes you a living.

  11. Put in a call to Steve’s Septic Service. I’m sure he’d jump at the chance to sponsor the weekly dumb ass award.

    #1 in the #2 business

  12. Nothing wrong with some ungroomed vagina on the face. He may get a lot of votes that way.

  13. Any chance your blog could offer a ‘Help’ section on how to become a Douchebag? Surely you must have some favorite examples? Or even just a top ten list? Surely you’ve some wisdom to guide us with? What do you say to those of us who now dream… who now want to make sure to dream right when it comes to one day achieving douchebag of the week?

  14. Deane

    you are going to have to work, work, work you little self to the bony prominence to achieve the level of baggery that Schwartz and spouse have achieved, and lets not leave out the Bon Bon, Mark (idiot) Lovelace, Richard Marks, Larry Glass and don’t even get started on our state reps. You are in august company, so you better get busy, little man (or woman).

  15. What’s worse PussFace Richard or DickNose BonBon? Maybe the Graphics Department could put it out for a vote.

  16. Those of you who want to become Douchebags:
    1. Get involved with some official sounding, but lame group; preferably have Council or Watershed in the title.
    2. Make clueless remarks on other blogs to spread your “fame”.
    3. Wait for the nominations.

  17. What kinda stupid douchebag makes people wait? i wanna win now!

  18. Deane you’re so close, friend. But to win this prestigious award you’ll have to think bigger. You’re a douchebag on a small, unimaginative scale. We’re looking for something grand. Keep trying!!

  19. Oh my gosh, I forgot one of the biggest and best contenders for baggery and stupidity, Our own, dearly reviled DA, Paul (I fart sideways) Gallegos! After he loses the trial with the teacher from Fortuna and completely fucks up the prosecution of Jason Whitmill and his cohorts, he is a virtual lock for Stupid Person of the Year!
    Please accept my apologies for leaving him off the list the first time.

  20. He’s definitely one of our favorites. To view archival material about him, click the Paul Gallegos link in the tag cloud on the right sidebar.

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