The Humboldt County Board of Supervisors is considering an offer from the federal government that would put cash into county coffers in exchange for the retirement of forty-term supervisor Bonnie Neely.
The proposal is part of Cash for Clunkers, an incentive program designed to get old and inefficient politicians off the road.
Under the terms of the plan, the feds would pay the county $3,500 for the 60-year-old supervisor to retire, if the county replaces her with someone who works 5 percent harder than Neely, and $4,500 if the replacement’s work ethic is a 10 percent improvement.
Fortunately, said Neely, she has set the bar conveniently low.
“For the past year, I’ve done nothing for anyone, spent virtually no time in the office and only grudgingly dragged my ass in for board meetings, where I occupy much of my time texting Patty, Alex and Connie to arrange lunch and movie dates” she said. “Otherwise, I’m at home, working on fundraising, which is going not well at all, and dredging up new and increasingly compromised candidates to run in other districts.”
Other activities include the significant amount of time she spends sucking the left tit of the Blue Lake Rancheria, which is located in Jill Duffy’s Fifth District but in the last election cycle contributed $25,000 to Neely’s Fourth District campaign and $10,000 to Clif Clendenen in the Second District.
When asked if Neely was excited about the Cash for Clunkers proposal, longtime campaign manager and Impropriety Society dominatrix Meghan Vogel said the plan would save Neely the embarrassment of losing in the next election.
“No matter how hard she begs, she can’t get significant campaign cash commitments from anyone, other than the casino,” Vogel said. “If she did have to run again, our only hope would be a new fundraising strategy that would involve rolling Old Town drunks for change.”
Vogel added that at least Old Town is in Neely’s district.
“If that doesn’t work, she’s gone one way or the other,” the campaign manager said. “But it’s not like she hasn’t had other offers. Patty’s been trying for years to get Bonnie to work for her. Patty isn’t getting any younger, you know, and she has such a hard time keeping that big house clean all by herself.”
Filed under: Humboldt County Tagged: | Alex Stillman, Bingo!, Blue Lake Rancheria, Bonnie Neely, Cash for Clunkers, Clif Clendenen, Connie Stewart, Impropriety Society, increasingly compromised candidates, Jill Duffy, Meghan Vogel, old and inefficient, Patrick Cleary, Patty Berg, rolling drunks in Old Town