County may trade in Neely in Cash for Clunkers exchange


The future's so bright, she has to wear elbow-length rubber gloves.

The Humboldt County Board of Supervisors is considering an offer from the federal government that would put cash into county coffers in exchange for the retirement of forty-term supervisor Bonnie Neely.

The proposal is part of Cash for Clunkers, an incentive program designed to get old and inefficient politicians off the road.

Under the terms of the plan, the feds would pay the county $3,500 for the 60-year-old supervisor to retire, if the county replaces her with someone who works 5 percent harder than Neely, and $4,500 if the replacement’s work ethic is a 10 percent improvement.

Fortunately, said Neely, she has set the bar conveniently low.

“For the past year, I’ve done nothing for anyone, spent virtually no time in the office and only grudgingly dragged my ass in for board meetings, where I occupy much of my time texting Patty, Alex and Connie to arrange lunch and movie dates” she said. “Otherwise, I’m at home, working on fundraising, which is going not well at all, and dredging up new and increasingly compromised candidates to run in other districts.”

Other activities include the significant amount of time she spends sucking the left tit of the Blue Lake Rancheria, which is located in Jill Duffy’s Fifth District but in the last election cycle contributed $25,000 to Neely’s Fourth District campaign and $10,000 to Clif Clendenen in the Second District.

When asked if Neely was excited about the Cash for Clunkers proposal, longtime campaign manager and Impropriety Society dominatrix Meghan Vogel said the plan would save Neely the embarrassment of losing in the next election.

“No matter how hard she begs, she can’t get significant campaign cash commitments from anyone, other than the casino,” Vogel said. “If she did have to run again, our only hope would be a new fundraising strategy that would involve rolling Old Town drunks for change.”

Vogel added that at least Old Town is in Neely’s district.

“If that doesn’t work, she’s gone one way or the other,” the campaign manager said. “But it’s not like she hasn’t had other offers. Patty’s been trying for years to get Bonnie to work for her. Patty isn’t getting any younger, you know, and she has such a hard time keeping that big house clean all by herself.”

21 Responses

  1. Bingo is right. We should be so lucky.

  2. If someone brings her in, we will gladly freeze her engine, crush her and send her on a slow boat to China where maybe, just maybe she could be turned into something useful. We were thinking maybe environmentally friendly asswipe. (Oh wait, that would mean she would likely stay here for the grand opening of asswipe central.)

  3. So there is something good to come out of the Obama Administration after all. Yay!

  4. In case you don’t remember bugs my vagina (clunker) is bigger than bon. bons

  5. You can have the bonster’s GM. She’s not even worth recycling.

  6. Linda, we’re sure your vagina is huge. And unforgettable. Thanks.

  7. We are staying out of this one. We have enough shit on our lots that we can’t unload on the public already.

  8. The title of this post itself is worth a thousand laughs!

  9. I just love when you bugs sweet talk me. Gets me all wet and fuzzy feeling. Think I’ll check in with the Bon. You up for some bingo sista?

  10. Misogynist. Size isn’t important.

  11. And if it were important, I think bigger might not necessarily be better.

  12. Ok, went to the site at work, blew snot and coffee (equal parts) all over my monitor
    1) tried to clean it with poison baby wipes and they have a decidely deleterious effect on computer components
    2) had to enlist the assistance of an IT pencil-neck to repair the damage
    3)”Why are you reading this shit?” he said
    4) no harmful after effects other than the editorial comment by the IT geek and a really good laugh to start my day!

    Thank-you bugs!

  13. Happy to oblige, Josephine.

  14. That’s why we love you girl. You have a hell of a sense of humor.

  15. You have an IT geek? Wow. And he didn’t say why are you blogging on the Boss’ dime?

  16. Well, I must say I DO like my new title of “Impropriety Society dominatrix!” However, just for your official record, I have lived in Portland, Ore., since April and have no connections with Humboldt politics whatsoever.

  17. Oh is that title new?

  18. You have a great sense of humor, Meghan! Thanks for giving me a smile today!

  19. Shit, Meghan. Do we strike you as the kind of people who keep official records? But thanks for playing along. We didn’t actually think you said any of that. It’s that whole satire thing.

  20. easy there Tex. I am sure if you noticed what time I post, it is always in the evenings, after I had fed my children and can get out the laptop. I view the site at work, on my break (of course), because one can only look at the weather report for so long…..The pencil-neck from IT, I have it on good authority that he still plays Dungeons and Dragons, probably wins too, or whatever happens in that world. He could care less where I go, as long as it’s not porno or laden with a virus. He has bigger fish to fry than moi…who enjoys politically motivated humor as much as chocolate.

  21. Who is the REAL Joe Blow?

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