City to hire reading tutors for Glass and Atkins

It's pronounced just like it's spelled.

Luckily, it's pronounced just like it's spelled.

Two Eureka city councilmembers spoke movingly Tuesday night about their lifelong struggles with literacy, prompting an emotional council to quickly approve hiring tutors to teach them reading, phonics and other basic life skills.

“Admitting you’re stupid is the first step to getting help,” Mayor Virginia Bass said, blinking back tears as she hugged Councilwoman Linda Atkins in what the mayor later described as a “totally hetero way.”

The literacy issue came up as the council received the Marina Center Environmental Impact Report, prompting both Larry Glass and Atkins to immediately admit they would not be able to read it within any normal period of time.

“Of course we can both piece letters together to form words,” Atkins explained later. “We’re what’s called functionally illiterate, which means we can read and write, but our skills are inadequate to meet the demands of our everyday lives.”

For example, Atkins said, their jobs as councilmembers require them to read documents and reports–“because how can we disagree with them if we don’t know what they say?” But fortunately, she added, she and Glass have both sharpened their verbal skills somewhat by sending a non-stop stream of talking points to the Humboldt Herald.

Glass thought he might be able to muddle through some of the report in two weeks, although he said he would need more time to “digest” its contents. Atkins asked for four weeks to read the document, and said even that wouldn’t be enough.

“It’s so brave of them to speak publicly about their disability,” Bass said. “Sadly, dumb is incurable, but with professional help maybe they can take the edge off a bit.”

When Glass was asked if he thought there was even a remote chance reading the EIR would change his mind about the Marina Center project, he looked around for black Escalades, then laughed nervously and scratched his balls.

“Like fuck,” he said, lowering his voice. “We’re gonna vote no on this and every fucking other thing associated with all this Marina Center shit, but we wanna do so in such a prolonged and dramatic way that Bill Pierson will feel like he got his money’s worth from us.”

Bass tried to hug Glass too, but he thought she was pushing him and called the police.


36 Responses

  1. Glass truly is probably the stupidest person ever to hold office in Humboldt County, and I’m including Clendenen in this comparison. Seriously did Glass even finish high school?

  2. Love the Ass and Glatkins tag.

  3. That is perfect. But I think someone should hire someone to teach Larry not to be so Appalachian and for Atkins so she can learn that spending her golden years in an idiot’s ass-pocket isn’t going to give her a strong sense of accomplishment. I don’t think she’s stupid. I think she’s gutless and will go along with whatever bullshit the progs throw out there. I think Endert should make another run at her in the future. Vulnerable with a capital V.

  4. “Appalachian” just became my word of the day. Thank you meow.

  5. Larry needs an ethics tutor.

  6. Are Larry and Linda the only two people in this town who don’t know what’s in the EIR? We’ve been through numerous versions of it, the attachments have been around for years in some cases. There’s very little new material to read. They know it and we know it. Stall tactic is putting it politely.

  7. Guarantee nobody reads the damn thing. Everyone’s mind was made up years ago

  8. I just finished reading the whole document in two relatively short sittings. The largest part was all of the bullshit comments by all 37 CREG consultants, who seem to be asserting that approving the Marina Center project will be the equivalent of Armageddon.

  9. This explains a whole bunch… Larry larry larry – early retirement has its benefits dude.

  10. Oh mighty Humbug…you have outdone yourself today.

    I shake and tremor in awe of your wisdom, humor and whatever. THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY. All that is left to do is to CLEAN THE COFFEE OF MY WALL THAT I JUST SPURTED OUT WHILE LAUGHING MY ASS OFF.

    Larry, Linda, you are truly idiots.

  11. No he did not… if he takes off that ridiculous belt buckle there would not be much remaining…

    As for Cliffie; nice but stupid – but then again, maybe he is not – he HAS his little ranchette to grow apples on but no one else can have ANY… Corrupt bastard

    We should insist that a Scarlet Letter should be on all of our stupidvisor’s cars, attire, personal checks etc: C for Corrupt.

  12. Jesus!- I wonder what would happen if some lib blog printed something like this about the rest of the council?
    You people sound like 5 years olds laughing at farts.
    Do any of you even vote?
    Go to the meetings?

    Just keep stroking yourselves and each other. Im sure it makes your empty little days…….

  13. Bug Off JimK, you don’t think farts are funny. H puts out shit much worse about many folks elected to office. You think these two idiots are special. Vote, you can bet on it. Meetings, many more than you for sure.
    Thanks HumBug for the laugh. Obviously the left can’t take a joke.

  14. Go fuck yourself JimK

  15. Gee JimK go to the HH and take a look at the “short” jokes. What a dumbass.

  16. Jeff Leonard is short, but he doesn’t ride the short bus. Are your feelings still hurt brian?

  17. Will there be a signed baseball to add to the collection? I bid fifty cents.

  18. Just so you know, I just re-read the entire Marina Center EIR again during a quick coffee break at work. It’s not that big.

  19. Wait a sec… Farts aren’t funny?

    Regardless–thanks, friend!! That’s one for the Raves page!

  20. Your Larry quote didn’t contain nearly enough f-bombs. And only one crotch grab? Think again.

  21. I have no feelings.

  22. “Mirror Admirer, on October 8th, 2009 at 10:26 am Said:

    Go fuck yourself JimK”

    I think THIS response pretty much makes my point.

    Ah yes, the towering intellect of the the far right!

    You have a GOOD day too sir!

  23. Why are you so certain that Mirror Admirer is a sir? And go *#&@ yourself please.

  24. Dear JimK,

    It’s enlightening to us that you credit the criticism and humor poked at Atkins and Glass as that of the “far right.” We’re good ol’ middle of the road Democrats. But Democrats who are tired of the raving far left that has hijacked a decent political group and is pandering to the wishes of the man who funded their campaigns for the obvious reason of halting the development of a potential business rival.

    And go fuck yourself you towering pile of humorless feces.

  25. JimK,

    Is that you Richard, another incarnation. Either way I concur with Douchebug.

  26. Oh no! Blogs are so mean!!!! Save us!

  27. JimK; You are truly an idiot. And one who assumes way too much dude. We be a democrat and have been since the day I registered to vote. You think that making fun of Glass and Atkins is partisan. Maybe for some. I confine my ridicule to stupid lazy dick faces that have a political agenda so transparent its a joke.

    Larry and Linda can’t read it in two weeks? Really? Someone ought to fart on their faces for being so stupid to use that lameass excuse. I mean it is just lame ass. Right up there with the “dog ate my homework.” I can tell you what steams me, and that is someone who tries to blow smoke up my ass.

    Hey Larry and Linda, we all know you don’t give a shit what is in the EIR, just say so and vote the way you want to. All your disingenousness make honest folks want to puke.

    and asshole JimK, everyone gets slammed here – it depends on their stupidity and not their party affiliation. Pay attention and read a bit more.

  28. Someone did fart on their faces. Actually he farted on every ones faces. Good to see Larry Evans is as stupid as ever..

  29. I think THIS response pretty much makes my point.

    ok genius, how does that make your point?

    people who don’t go to meetings tell you to fuck yourself

    5 year olds tell you to fuck yourself

    people who don’t vote tell you to fuck yourself

    therefore ???

    i don’t know what it proves, but i’m thinking if you have this many people telling you to fuck off, look within, grasshopper. the problem lies within.

  30. We don’t care what anyone says. Farts are totally funny.

  31. This is great!

    Keep up the good work

  32. @#%$&!#@* – this can’t get any funnier or I will have to call 911 for a lift to St. Joes.

    shit, I can’t take it anymore.

  33. Hey Bug

    Pull my finger!

  34. Love it!!

  35. Okay people. I compared the draft version of this report to the final version and found a total of 90 pages of new material. Stall tactic is right. Those two morons know exactly what that report says.


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