Graphics Dept. Holiday Bender Continues

If found, please return to Mirror Headquarters!

Whiny prog friends: Now will you shut the hell up?

From today’s Times-Standard (emphasis all ours):

I commend the elected officials for taking time out of their schedules to attend the recent California Coastal Commission meeting, and argue the case for the CUE Vi Coastal Development Permit. The $1,876 seems like a small price to pay especially if the commission had any interest in acquiring more information on the Project.

I am not associated in any way with the project, but I am offering the city of Eureka a donation of $1,876 to cover the expense of their representatives. I hope that will stop the whining about the wasteful spending.

You talk about political grandstanding by the councilman. I think that you should put more effort into investigative reporting and be more “fair and balanced” in your editorials.

You also talk about middle ground. I don’t know how you describe middle ground, but it seems to me that the Arkleys have gone beyond halfway. They are cleaning up a mess, developing wetlands, putting people to work and creating a beautiful Project. What has the opposition done to meet in the middle?

I think you are correct when you said the project has a great deal of support, but I believe the number of detractors is small.

Bob Canevari

Merry Christmas, friends!

"As soon as the wise men show up we can get started."

Merry Christmas, dog!!

We call this one "Mixed metaphor with blow-up doll." Yeah, that's the Bon Bon's head on a palm tree-climbing bear. The Graphics Department was, well, you know.

Where is that wascally wabbit?

Several of our SoHum friends were quick to notice that Planning Commissioner Ralph Faust, the Bayside resident who is so vocal in his opposition to people living in rural areas like Bayside, ditched out on the big planning commission shindig down in Garberville on Thursday.

First he said he would carpool with other commissioners, then the story was that he would drive down himself, but in the end he didn’t show at all. What’s up with that?

Consider the answer to that question just one more gem from the You Can’t Make This Shit Up department.

So shortly after the board of supervisors meeting Tuesday, Faust approached county counsel to report that there had been a threat against his life. He believed he was in real danger, he said, he was afraid–and to be perfectly honest he would not feel safe going forward with the planning commission meeting in Garberville.

But what’s this he’s talking about? A death threat? Against a public official?? Holy crap!! This thing has freaky right-wing militia written all over it, does it not?

And Faust wasn’t just making this shit up. He had proof!! As evidence of the plot against him, he produced the doctored photograph and caption below which had appeared in this blog one day earlier.

Ah, now here's a classic scene from "The Christmas Story." Is it wrong of us to hope this Ralphie shoots his eye out?

How could you argue with that? We’ll be goddamned if that’s not him in that terrifying pink bunny suit. And that’s some scary-ass shit.

But Ralph–if we may–what with you being a lawyer and all, we’re assuming you can scrape up enough legal know-how to recognize that our repetition of a punchline from a clearly sourced Christmas movie does not by any standard constitute a threat, yes?

Besides, friend. If we were you, we’d worry less about the danger posed by a child’s Red Ryder carbine-action, 200-shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and a thing that tells time and quite a bit more about stepping on your own dick with laughably stupid shit like this.

Sure, Garberville didn’t miss anything by not having your genius in the room. But the thought of you playing this photo like a pair of aces just to get out of going down there–well frankly, that just tickles us pink.

Here you go, friend. Feel better?

Merry Christmas, lonely friend.

The three people in Humboldt County who slogged through to page 49 of the most recent North Coast Journal may have noticed a seven-o-heaven cartoon there which features Andrew Goff going on yet again about how edgy and cool Heraldo is and how we Mirror dumbfucks are on the Arkley payroll.

Such artistry and originality! It’s amazing we didn’t fly clean out of our pants dashing off a response to that.

In reality, it was so obviously engineered to get us to pay attention to him, we weren’t altogether certain whether it was a comic strip or a cry for help. That issue was significantly clarified with the e-mail Andrew subsequently sent to us trying to drum up a response, the comment he posted on the blog with a link to the cartoon, and at last count his four anonymous comments asking if Rob Arkley owned the Humboldt Mirror. Still, no one seems to have noticed.

So Andrew, friend, listen. You’re better at self-promotion than anything else you seem to be doing, and you’re not really very good at that. If you want engagement, be engaging. Because honestly, right now you’re around one imaginary friend away from acting like a lonely 6-year-old.

Oh and P.S., since your comic was so dumb, we fixed it up for you a bit. That’s okay–no need to thank us! With all those Arkley bucks we have coming out our asses, we can afford to hire actual talent.


Evidently the customer isn’t always right

New to the menu is a fresh seasonal ass- whooping in a savory balsamic reduction sauce.

Gabriel’s restaurant in Old Town, long known for its extensive wine list, Tuscan ambience and superb cuisine added a new claim to fame to the list Tuesday when one of the owners allegedly beat the crap out of a difficult customer in the middle of a networking luncheon.

A fellow diner didn’t know what started the second-floor melee, but said one minute all was calm, all was bright, and the next “it’s Big Time Wrestling” with the two pummeling each other on the floor.

Cops arrived en masse, and the customer, reportedly the owner of a local sporting goods business, was hospitalized with a badly broken ankle. At least one lawyer–District Attorney Paul Gallegos–is said to already be involved. Charges are anticipated, although against whom remains to be seen.

As the fellow diner put it, “Bet the waiter didn’t get much of a tip.”