Graphics Dept. Holiday Bender Continues

If found, please return to Mirror Headquarters!

Whiny prog friends: Now will you shut the hell up?

From today’s Times-Standard (emphasis all ours):

I commend the elected officials for taking time out of their schedules to attend the recent California Coastal Commission meeting, and argue the case for the CUE Vi Coastal Development Permit. The $1,876 seems like a small price to pay especially if the commission had any interest in acquiring more information on the Project.

I am not associated in any way with the project, but I am offering the city of Eureka a donation of $1,876 to cover the expense of their representatives. I hope that will stop the whining about the wasteful spending.

You talk about political grandstanding by the councilman. I think that you should put more effort into investigative reporting and be more “fair and balanced” in your editorials.

You also talk about middle ground. I don’t know how you describe middle ground, but it seems to me that the Arkleys have gone beyond halfway. They are cleaning up a mess, developing wetlands, putting people to work and creating a beautiful Project. What has the opposition done to meet in the middle?

I think you are correct when you said the project has a great deal of support, but I believe the number of detractors is small.

Bob Canevari

Merry Christmas, friends!

"As soon as the wise men show up we can get started."

Merry Christmas, dog!!

We call this one "Mixed metaphor with blow-up doll." Yeah, that's the Bon Bon's head on a palm tree-climbing bear. The Graphics Department was, well, you know.

Where is that wascally wabbit?

Several of our SoHum friends were quick to notice that Planning Commissioner Ralph Faust, the Bayside resident who is so vocal in his opposition to people living in rural areas like Bayside, ditched out on the big planning commission shindig down in Garberville on Thursday.

First he said he would carpool with other commissioners, then the story was that he would drive down himself, but in the end he didn’t show at all. What’s up with that?

Consider the answer to that question just one more gem from the You Can’t Make This Shit Up department.

So shortly after the board of supervisors meeting Tuesday, Faust approached county counsel to report that there had been a threat against his life. He believed he was in real danger, he said, he was afraid–and to be perfectly honest he would not feel safe going forward with the planning commission meeting in Garberville.

But what’s this he’s talking about? A death threat? Against a public official?? Holy crap!! This thing has freaky right-wing militia written all over it, does it not?

And Faust wasn’t just making this shit up. He had proof!! As evidence of the plot against him, he produced the doctored photograph and caption below which had appeared in this blog one day earlier.

Ah, now here's a classic scene from "The Christmas Story." Is it wrong of us to hope this Ralphie shoots his eye out?

How could you argue with that? We’ll be goddamned if that’s not him in that terrifying pink bunny suit. And that’s some scary-ass shit.

But Ralph–if we may–what with you being a lawyer and all, we’re assuming you can scrape up enough legal know-how to recognize that our repetition of a punchline from a clearly sourced Christmas movie does not by any standard constitute a threat, yes?

Besides, friend. If we were you, we’d worry less about the danger posed by a child’s Red Ryder carbine-action, 200-shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and a thing that tells time and quite a bit more about stepping on your own dick with laughably stupid shit like this.

Sure, Garberville didn’t miss anything by not having your genius in the room. But the thought of you playing this photo like a pair of aces just to get out of going down there–well frankly, that just tickles us pink.

Here you go, friend. Feel better?

Merry Christmas, lonely friend.

The three people in Humboldt County who slogged through to page 49 of the most recent North Coast Journal may have noticed a seven-o-heaven cartoon there which features Andrew Goff going on yet again about how edgy and cool Heraldo is and how we Mirror dumbfucks are on the Arkley payroll.

Such artistry and originality! It’s amazing we didn’t fly clean out of our pants dashing off a response to that.

In reality, it was so obviously engineered to get us to pay attention to him, we weren’t altogether certain whether it was a comic strip or a cry for help. That issue was significantly clarified with the e-mail Andrew subsequently sent to us trying to drum up a response, the comment he posted on the blog with a link to the cartoon, and at last count his four anonymous comments asking if Rob Arkley owned the Humboldt Mirror. Still, no one seems to have noticed.

So Andrew, friend, listen. You’re better at self-promotion than anything else you seem to be doing, and you’re not really very good at that. If you want engagement, be engaging. Because honestly, right now you’re around one imaginary friend away from acting like a lonely 6-year-old.

Oh and P.S., since your comic was so dumb, we fixed it up for you a bit. That’s okay–no need to thank us! With all those Arkley bucks we have coming out our asses, we can afford to hire actual talent.


Evidently the customer isn’t always right

New to the menu is a fresh seasonal ass- whooping in a savory balsamic reduction sauce.

Gabriel’s restaurant in Old Town, long known for its extensive wine list, Tuscan ambience and superb cuisine added a new claim to fame to the list Tuesday when one of the owners allegedly beat the crap out of a difficult customer in the middle of a networking luncheon.

A fellow diner didn’t know what started the second-floor melee, but said one minute all was calm, all was bright, and the next “it’s Big Time Wrestling” with the two pummeling each other on the floor.

Cops arrived en masse, and the customer, reportedly the owner of a local sporting goods business, was hospitalized with a badly broken ankle. At least one lawyer–District Attorney Paul Gallegos–is said to already be involved. Charges are anticipated, although against whom remains to be seen.

As the fellow diner put it, “Bet the waiter didn’t get much of a tip.”


Mayor Bass makes it official today

For Immediate Press Release:

Please join Eureka Mayor Virginia Bass for a press conference.

Virginia will be announcing her candidacy for Humboldt County 4th District Supervisor on the County Courthouse steps (5th and I Streets) this Thursday, December 17th at 12:00 noon.

Virginia was twice elected to Eureka City Council before she was elected as Eureka Mayor.

Her father OH Bass previously served as Humboldt County 4th District County Supervisor and Virginia would like to continue her family’s legacy as a public servant to our community.

Virginia previously managed her family’s business, OH’s Townhouse, and has participated in many local charitable fundraising events such as the American Cancer Society’s “Relay for Life” and is the past President of the Henderson Center Kiwanis Club.

For further information, please email Virginia Bass at

And it looks like that state appointment hasn’t come through yet for the Bon Bon.  Neely also said Wednesday that she would announce her candidacy at a later date. Virginia’s camp decided not to wait. An alternate version of the Bass news release stated:

Our current Fourth District Supervisor has been in office almost a quarter of a century.  It’s time for a change and a fresh perspective of Humboldt County.

Not bad for a warm-up round. If we were running Virginia’s campaign, though, we’d definitely focus on her huge hotness advantage. But pointing out that Neely was first elected Supervisor during the fucking Reagan Administration also does the trick.

Good luck Jeff and Virginia!

Oh THAT explains it

Yeah. Guess who teaches the Coastal Commission about bias and conflicts of interest? They're definitely learning from the best!!

The plot thickens

Subject: Please join Eureka Mayor Virginia Bass for a press conference this Thursday, December 17th, at 12:00 noon.

Please join Eureka Mayor Virginia Bass for a press conference.

Virginia will be announcing her candidacy for Humboldt County 4th District Supervisor on the County Courthouse steps (5th and I Streets) this Thursday, Dec. 17th, at 12:00 noon.

No surprise to anyone, really, so we have just a few thoughts on this.

One, Virginia, this time please hire a campaign manager who doesn’t make people want to puncture their own eardrums with an ice pick just so they don’t have to listen to him talk anymore. Please.

Two, keep in mind you could run as an incumbent for mayor, a position we would hate to see go to a marijuana dispensary manager from Arcata.

Three, if you and Jeff Leonard split the moderate vote and we end up with the fucking Bon Bon again or the prog queen Socio-Belcrap, we will not be happy. At all. Although “we” in this context admittedly means everyone but the Graphics Department, which inexplicably thinks Kaitlin is hot, in no small part because her clothes, like the Grinch’s heart, are two sizes too small, but still not as hot as Virginia.

Finally, when you have announcements to make, consider sending them directly to us so we don’t have to get the news secondhand, like those awkward STD notifications from the Health Department. A’ight?

Otherwise, hugs!!

It’s beginning to smell a lot like Christmas

Ah, now here's a classic scene from "The Christmas Story." Is it wrong of us to hope this Ralphie shoots his eye out?

Go Loggers!!

Eureka High School Loggers come from behind to clinch the Division II title. Photo credit: Times-Standard

ROHNERT PARK — Eureka stood on the field after Friday night’s game cold and tired, like its players had just fought in a war. And let there be no doubt, it was a war on the field.

But in the end, this band of brothers, these Eureka Loggers, won the war. They stood on the field as champions of the North Coast Section.

”Montgomery came out wanting to fight, and we wanted a fight,” said Eureka’s Soma Vainuku, who faced his toughest test yet and still finished the night with 170 yards rushing and three touchdowns on 30 carries. “We played every down as hard as we could, every run, every tackle.

”Everyone came to play, everyone on offense, defense. Everyone came through in the clutch.”

Read the whole Times-Standard story here.

Meanwhile, back at the North Coast Journal…

Informed readers are pointing out some logic gaps in Hanky-Panky Sims’ latest prog reach-around. His basic premise: A few senselessly oppositional folk on the left may have fought to block any development project Rob Arkley put forward, but this whole Marina Center shitstorm is still Arkley’s fault because he didn’t consult with them first.

Brilliant!! Because that would have changed everything!

The Town Dandy did get one thing right, though. If the Coastal Commission does block cleanup of the site, the Balloon Track could, as Hank stated, “sit there as is for another 100 years, leaching its ugly self into the Bay, and the Coastal Commission would never say boo.”

That in a nutshell is what an environmentalist victory would look like here.

So yay!! Nobody wins.

Substantial B.S.

Let's be BFFs!

So, it doesn’t come as much of a surprise that all of the power drunk California Coastal commissioners agreed during their meeting today that there were “substantial issues” raised in the EPIC, Paykeeper, NEC and Ralph Faust appeal of the phase one of the Marina Center project’s local coastal plan amendment approved recently by the city of Eureka.

Executive Director Peter Douglas’ long winded explanation of the California Coastal Commission’s procedures that have routinely denied the public to weigh in on such appeals “for decades” took longer than the actual discussion by the commissioners.

By discussion, we mean the three commissioners who disclosed their ex parte communications prior to today’s meeting with environmental groups that were in favor of the appeals.

So the matter will be brought back before the Coastal Commission at an as yet undetermined date for a hearing where the public may weigh in.

Perhaps we missed it, but there was no mention by Douglas of his ongoing lunch dates with the local businessman who stands to lose the most when the Marina Center project moves forward.

Maybe that issue will be raised by someone at the next meeting.

George Clark: Still kind of a dumbfuck

In yesterday’s Times-Standard, failed city council candidate George Clark articulates some of the genius that sent his campaign straight down the ol’ crapper last fall.

A few highlights:

If 75 percent of residents cannot afford home ownership, give them no jobs. That will help.

If the Balloon Track is “essential for growth that actually begins contributing to the local economy,” let it lay vacant and polluted for several decades while you all sit around listening to yourselves talk. Also very helpful.

If “rural cities are limiting infrastructure costs and improving tax bases by expanding the compact lifestyles of their Old Towns to meet the explosion of single households, an aging population, and skyrocketing poverty and foreclosure rates”–well, that’s a nice use of buzz words, friend, but it doesn’t actually mean anything. At all. Really.

And finally, if you run for office and rack up only a couple hundred votes despite the desperate attempts of your handlers and the wads of cash Bill Pierson throws at you, have someone write a thousand words of laughably stupid shit to run in a newspaper under your name.

We keep coming back to one central issue: Lot of people can and do run around talking about their hopes and dreams for the city of Eureka. But all these years later, George, Bonnie, Larry, Pete, Bill, Ken and all their friends whose lives and livelihoods revolve around obstructing productive use of that land have done not one thing to clean it up, have articulated not one plausible plan for the site, and have raised not one dollar to put their plans into action.

All their money, time and attention has gone into making sure no one else does either.