Neely to Announce Latest Campaign Miracle

Way out of her league under the sea.

It’s been no secret that Fourth District Supervisor Bonnie Neely’s campaign to secure an astounding seventh term in office is largely built around the assertion that she’s spontaneously and miraculously generated the ability to find “solutions to get Eureka working again.”

That’s after 24 years of warming up for that big moment as Neely collected hefty checks on the taxpayers’ dime and developed an “encyclopedic knowledge” of nepotistic bureaucracy to compensate for her utter lack of personal experience in private-sector employment. She has maintained a shoddy record of  actually having created any jobs for people outside of her family. And we’re going to have to call bullshit on those annual festivals Bonnie keeps mentioning that she’s created.We’re talking about real, blue-collar jobs with livable-wages that don’t disappear when the Headwaters Fund grant money runs dry.

Now, adding to her previous ridiculous promises, it’s been tentatively confirmed that Neely will announce she’s found the solution to end the massive British Petroleum oil leak that triggered an environmental disaster.

While it’s not clear yet if Neely will be any more successful at capping the leak than BP has, it’s absolutely certain that the career politician will attempt to use the stunt to drum up more gigantic campaign contributions from other career politicians, corporations, casinos, special interest groups and more than a lot of out-of-county residents who most likely haven’t spent, nor will ever spend, a single night in the Fourth District.

And according to the latest campaign disclosure statements, Bonnie’s lackluster support from actual people in her district has again been overshadowed by a bulk of money pouring in from outside her district–or county even.

Neely finally infiltrates T-S staff

Out of touch with voters. Out of touch with fashion.

Bonnie Neely, the Fourth District Supervisor and California Coastal Commission chair, writing “for the Times-Standard” reminded voters today that during her quarter century in office she’s done virtually nothing as the representative of the relevant jurisdiction with respect to the Balloon Track property, it’s cleanup and any hopes of generating jobs through its conversion to something…job related.

If the braintrust at the T-S is going to simply hand over the keys to the Bonnie in the middle of an election, it’s probably all cool for her to spout whatever crazy shit she wants to say. I mean, they are the only daily newspaper in the area and must know what they are doing. Right?

“Other than making an unsuccessful offer of $50,000 in Headwaters funding to the City of Eureka for development of a master plan for the property, which would have included a cleanup plan, I have never had any formal decision making role with respect to the Balloon Track.”

Exactly. Never tried to do anything.

Interestingly, the same “toxic chemicals in wetlands, which bleed into storm water runoff” hasn’t changed much since she took office. Since the Bonnie wasn’t exactly forthcoming with all of her activities, we’ll recap what she’s done with regard to the Balloon Track property…

1986: Nothing.

1987: Nothing

1988: Nothing

1989: Nothing

1990: Nothing

1991: Voted to approve putting the county jail on the Balloon Track property

1992: Nothing

1993: Nothing

1994: Nothing

1995: Nothing

1996: Nothing

1997: Nothing

1998: Nothing

1999: Helped rally to prevent Walmart from rezoning the Balloon Track property for a superstore

2000: Nothing

2001: Nothing

2002: Nothing

2003: Nothing

2004: Nothing

2005: Nothing

2006: Raked in $14,000+ from Bill Pierson (his business and or wife), although we’re certain it had nothing to do with his efforts to prevent any Home Depot from being built on the Balloon Track and competing with Pierson’s Building Supply

2007: Nothing

2008: Nothing

2009: Nothing

2010: Raked in $10,000 from Bill Pierson, who is seen frequently dining with the California Coastal Commission Executive Director Peter Douglas.

Hislop and Gallegos: Two peas in a sociopathic pod

Incidents of honesty and integrity during the Gallegos administration are too rare to be considered statistically meaningful.

For those of you who were wowed by sheriff candidate Mike Hislop’s impressive curriculum vitae, you might have to find something new to love. In a news release last week, Hislop all but fessed up to previously fudging his academic credentials.

Whereas his ballot statement boasts of “four (4) college degrees, two in criminal justice,” and states that he is a graduate of the National Fire Academy, the new number slips to three under closer scrutiny, and that business with the fire academy is dropped altogether.

But is Mike-O the Psycho the only resumé padder out there?

Please, people. This is Humboldt County.

Pathological Paul Gallegos, Hislop’s boss, has been running around for months describing himself as a “professor” at HSU. In fact, he is an occasional guest lecturer. Probably something lower-division. Hopefully not Ethics. We realize Gags is stupid, but even stupid people know what a professor is and can recognize that he is not one.

More recently, at a public appearance over the weekend, the Gagster talked about his experience working as a deputy district attorney in Los Angeles County.

Hey Pauli Girl–little heads up, bro? Phone calls have been made. Several. Turns out people know people who know people. That sort of thing. And guess what? No one in the Los Angeles County DA’s Office seems to have heard of you.

Well–okay. No one except the guy who asked if you were the moron who plagiarized a guy who actually is a law professor.


Balloon Track: The Prequel

Folsom Prison Blues by the Bay, anyone?A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….

One District Four supervisorial candidate, who shall remain nameless, voted to build a jail on what she now insists is the crown fucking jewel of Humboldt County real estate.

Say what?? A jail on the beautiful Balloon Track?

So obviously, turmoil ensued. Right? There were uprisings and whatnot, yes? Pickets, protests, little progs with their little arms linked in solidarity–because, hey!!  We’re talking about our precious coastal resources, our scarce habitats, our endangered sawgrass and all that nasty, yucky dioxin.

Curiously, the final EIR for the project mentions none of these things. In fact, the executive summary states that “there are no significant impacts to biotic resources associated with development of the proposed project…” (Source documents are of crap quality. Clicking to enlarge helps somewhat.)

And yet the unnamed candidate in question–the one we are still declining to identify–not only signed off on the project, she provided a second to the motion.

A number of questions spring to mind, but let’s just start with the obvious: If the Balloon Track was shitty enough for criminals, why is it now too good for people who need jobs?

(Thanks to the friend who dropped these docs off at our plush offices. Next time, though, think strippers instead. Hugs!!)

Vote Paul Gallegos, because congenital dishonesty is a quality one looks for in a district attorney

Good ol' Gags. He cannot tell a lie (unless it's one he's able to plagiarize from someone else).

Two pages before the major dick-smack Hank Sims gave Paul Gallegos over the latter’s blatant misrepresentation of county crime stats, the world’s dumbest district attorney had already moved on to his next fictional accomplishment.

This one came in the form of an advertisement which states Gags “won” a million-dollar judgment against Big Oil and Tire Co., litigation in which neither he nor his office was meaningfully involved.

Instead, the case was assembled and managed by the state Attorney General’s Office on behalf of the State Water Board in conjunction with the California District Attorney’s Association of which, presumably, Gallegos is one of at least 58 members.

Arguably not the sort of thing to toot one’s own horn over.

Insiders, however, were quick to note that Gags was not entirely uninvolved.

While it’s true his office did not conduct an investigation, did not file motions, did not prepare briefs and did not participate in settlement talks, we’re told a secretary in his office did forward to the AG documents assembled by the county’s Environmental Health inspectors.

Oh, and he also lobbied to get added to a news release two months before an election.

What a leader!

When reached for comment, Gallegos said he would take credit for his own accomplishments if he had any.

Okay okay, we made that last part up.

Neely love-child rumors gain traction

Chris Kerrigan in a Neely campaign video? Really?

Probably we all remember what happened the last time he endorsed a candidate. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.

Former upstanding citizen and Eureka City Councilman Chris Kerrigan has thrown his considerable political clout behind Bonnie Neely. And she was dumb enough to admit it.

The edumacation of Mike Hislop

We get it, bro. Looking normal is way harder than most people think.

So just a little follow-up question for Sheriff-wannabe Mike-o “The Psycho” Hislop:

Did you know–and we’re just asking here–but, were you aware that when padding the ol’ ballot statement to try to convince the unwary of your, shall we say, intellectual firepower–it’s generally a good idea to make sure that the “four (4) college degrees” you boast of don’t include your associate’s degrees and trade certificates.

You know?

Because that’s the sort of thing only an uneducated buffoon would do.