Attack of the killer tomatoes!

It’s practically summer, and we can’t eat tomatoes? Really? What the eff is this world coming to?

Next we’ll be told to stay away from Mrs. Baird’s Buns and Mommy’s Bliss Nipple Cream.

Unacceptable!!

(Is there any way we can blame this on the Chinese?)

Shit happens–elsewhere

After a long string of controversial police shootings in Humboldt County, little Del Norte County has one of its own.

A 27-year-old Brookings, Oregon, man, who led sheriff’s deputies on a vehicle chase, was shot and killed by a deputy nine days ago on the Hiouchi Bridge.

The investigation has revealed thus far that Eric Jones, whose father said suffered from Bipolar Disorder, did not have a weapon–other than the pitbull he allegedly sicced on deputies.

The dog was also shot.

As the investigation continues, it seems that even the weather to our north is suffering from the negative publicity.

As of Sunday morning, according to this chart, relative “humility” was higher than 90 percent.

A brief note to new fathers

Imagine how excited you would be if the Super Bowl were played by two teams of naked supermodels. Throw in free chicken wings and all the beer you can drink, and that’s the sort of Mothers Day celebration your wife is expecting tomorrow.

Sure, on Fathers Day you’ll still be expected to mow the lawn. But it would be a mistake to think that Mothers Day and Fathers Day have anything in common, other than both being Days.

Has anyone ever told you Fathers Day is sacred? Probably not. Are there commercials on TV about buying fathers diamonds on their day? There are not. We get underpants and drill bits, while she gets chocolate-covered strawberries dropped into her mouth by a staff of Greek masseuses.

You’d think our wives gave birth to the Christ child instead of those sullen creatures who break into our beer fund at least once a week to snake money for condoms and violent video games.

But we digress.

As a service to new fathers, we’ve compiled a list of things NOT to get your wives for Mothers Day.

  • Flowers from the gas station
  • Flowers from  your neighbors yard
  • Flowers that didn’t cost at least $25
  • Any gift that doesn’t include flowers
  • A PBR suitcase
  • A recliner
  • A six-foot sub sandwich
  • His and hers beer helmets
  • A Maglite multi-pack
  • A large screen TV
  • Anything bearing the likeness of Cindy Crawford
  • A mini-fridge for the living room
  • Her own fishing license
  • A Costco-sized bottle of Tylenol

Happy Mothers Day, friends.

And now for a little perspective

Yesterday, while news outlets around the world trumpeted reports of 10,000 deaths from the Myanmar cyclone, the most-read story of the day on both CNN and MSNBC was a piece about a team of scientists attempting to fit a bald eagle with a prosthetic beak.

Today, we are told, the death toll from the cyclone has jumped to more than 22,000, with another 41,000 people reported missing. Are those numbers big enough yet to make us care about Myanmar’s children?

To learn more about what we can do to help, click here, or phone the Humboldt chapter of the American Red Cross at 443-4521.

Oh sweet. Now’s our chance.

For those of us who have waited decades for the opportunity to pry firearms from the cold, dead hands of longtime National Rifle Association front-man Charlton Heston, it looks like our time has come.

Heston died last night at the age of 84 with his wife Lydia, and his massive gun collection, by his side.

Gas prices hit highest level since yesterday (or, The Humboldt Mirror solves another of the world’s vexing problems)

We bugs aren’t prudish. Not even a little. We tell off-color jokes and link to porn sites and sometimes throw eff-bombs into headlines just for fun. We, in short, have nothing against a little screwing.

But even we couldn’t help feeling a bit miffed about the unceremonious pounding we took at the pump yesterday when we stopped to fill up the gas tank on our car.

Darn near $4 a gallon for the low-grade stuff—and prices are expected to rise as we move into the summer driving season.

So here’s our solution. We think you’ll like it.

What if we find us an oil-rich country and start an unprovoked war that will democratize the Middle East and, in turn, secure major gas pipelines and shipping channels to ensure the delivery of inexpensive crude oil far into the future?

It’s audacious. It’s brilliant. It’s—what?? Someone already tried that? It turned outhow?

Oh well, fuck it. Don’t trouble us with details. We’re idea people….

ELF suspected in blaze that liberates tons of carbon into atmosphere

A sign left at the scene of a series of house fires believed to have been intentionally set near Seattle has led investigators to suspect the Earth Liberation Front, a radical environmental organization blamed for numerous similar fires across the country.

Apparently releasing tons of pollutants into the air, destroying the natural resources used to build the homes and risking the lives of men and women called to extinguish the fires is a small price to pay for getting out the message about the downside of clustered development.

On the other hand, the sign was hand-painted with chemical-free pigments on fair-trade fabric made of 100 percent post-consumer waste, so it’s all good.