Election Results Final*: Gallegos handlers cling to power for four more years

The Graphics Dept. begrudgingly delivers a Brian Wilson victory beard to Paul. But here's a hearty Mirror congratulations to Ryan, Mike and the other decent folks who won their respective races!

According to a guy who knows a guy who handed another guy a copy of the unofficial final election results, who then e-mailed them to us, District Attorney Paul Gallegos received 52.08% of the votes to challenger Allison Jackson’s 47.61%.

Jackson will return to the Harland Law Firm where she will continue to be a successful attorney and partner.

Gallegos will return to the DA’s Office where he will continue to suck horribly and make our community more unsafe, thanks to the 25,238 voters who care more about keeping vacuous progressive ideals afloat. Honestly, we can’t wait to read what Paul’s crackerjack political team cooks up for his next “My Word.”

On the bright side, nothing changed much in the 5th District race. Ryan Sundberg, with 50.57% of the votes, held on to his lead and defeated Patrick Cleary, who had 49.04%.

The close Eureka race changed little also. Mike Newman received 44.18% of the vote and Ron Kuhnel came in behind him with 41.95%.

And despite her ability to get her hands on and manipulate damn near everything north of Sacramento, Bonnie Neely was unable to change the election results and has still been kicked to the curb by Virginia Bass. By a lot. A lot a lot.

The results, summarized by the T-S, still need to be certified and presented to the Board of Supervisors, who are expected to deal with the matter on Tuesday.

Hagen: Gallegos ‘congenitally unqualified’ for office

"Someone bring Abe Lincoln back. I swear this guy's eyes are following me around the room."

Spank!

Remember our old friend Jeffrey Schwartz? The boob who practiced law as http://www.YouGoFree.com before carpetbagging his bad self up here and taking up space in the offices of our very own Humboldt County District Attorney’s Office–where he, without actually trying cases or any of that employment-related nastiness, managed to get himself paid more than anyone else in the office, before deciding he was made for even better things and becoming a part-time hostess at Sizzler?

Yeah we made that last part up, but what fun we had doing it!

Anyhoo. This same Jeffrey Schwartz wrote in a letter to Paul Hagen supporters some of the most intellectually dishonest shit we think we’ve ever read, including equating a vote for challenger Allison Jackson to a vote for mega-stores, clearcutting and nuclear power plants, none of which Jackson is believed to support, and none of which actually falls under the purview of a district attorney anyway.

The mild-mannered Hagen–fittingly–went nuclear. His must-read response to Schwartz, from the Arcata Eye website, describes Gallegos as “congenitally unqualified” for the position and lists just a few of the many ethical lapses that have defined the Gallegos administration.

One of our favorite bits comes toward the end:

Based on my direct personal experiences, my knowledge of Paul Gallegos’ utter lack of what I consider true ethics, courage and honesty, as well as his now-proven political campaign-trash tactics, I believe these things fundamentally disqualify his being a progressive.  Or a district attorney.

Yeah. That’s gonna leave a mark.

Admittedly, no one ever said he was smart

Well shit. There goes the very last trace of Gallegos' integrity.

Or honest, for that matter.

Over at the Humboldt Herald, the absence of both qualities is once again on proud display, today’s example being a hysterical headline screaming  about “abused babies” being used as “political footballs”–something only Heraldo appears to be doing.

At issue is a horrific child abuse case current DA Paul Gallegos botched on appeal a while back. DA challenger Allison Jackson knew the case well, because she prosecuted it at the trial level.

Which is where Heraldo’s version of events predictably parts company with reality.

He, she or it would have voters believe that the case came back on appeal because of something Jackson did. To wit: “Jackson herself botched the prosecution in 2000.”

But even the fragments of the minutes Heraldo selectively used state that the case was returned because the defendant was misadvised of his appellate rights.

Sounds serious, right? Arguably, it is.

Only problem with that is, as one Mirror regular noted, prosecutors don’t advise defendants of appellate rights. Judges do.

Not that it matters. Heraldo is clearly preaching to the choir. There probably isn’t a better demographic out there within which to drum up support for Gallegos than people who proudly and persistently don’t give one small shit about the truth.

It’s exactly the same quality Gags gas been modeling for the past seven years.

Vote Paul Gallegos, because congenital dishonesty is a quality one looks for in a district attorney

Good ol' Gags. He cannot tell a lie (unless it's one he's able to plagiarize from someone else).

Two pages before the major dick-smack Hank Sims gave Paul Gallegos over the latter’s blatant misrepresentation of county crime stats, the world’s dumbest district attorney had already moved on to his next fictional accomplishment.

This one came in the form of an advertisement which states Gags “won” a million-dollar judgment against Big Oil and Tire Co., litigation in which neither he nor his office was meaningfully involved.

Instead, the case was assembled and managed by the state Attorney General’s Office on behalf of the State Water Board in conjunction with the California District Attorney’s Association of which, presumably, Gallegos is one of at least 58 members.

Arguably not the sort of thing to toot one’s own horn over.

Insiders, however, were quick to note that Gags was not entirely uninvolved.

While it’s true his office did not conduct an investigation, did not file motions, did not prepare briefs and did not participate in settlement talks, we’re told a secretary in his office did forward to the AG documents assembled by the county’s Environmental Health inspectors.

Oh, and he also lobbied to get added to a news release two months before an election.

What a leader!

When reached for comment, Gallegos said he would take credit for his own accomplishments if he had any.

Okay okay, we made that last part up.

Effing hysterical

A modern classic from Captain Buhne. Thanks, friend!!