“You tend to feed the one that pays you.”

cregslistFile that one under quote of the day.

This refreshingly candid remark was made by a spokesman for the anti-development Citizens for Real Economic Growth, which paid a San Francisco college professor $2,500 to feed Eureka residents pages of apocalyptic misrepresentations about the Marina Center proposal.

Turns out the prof has a history of opposing Home Depots, so CREG knew well in advance what it was buying.

CBRE, the consulting firm hired by Security National, reached very different conclusions, which were double-checked by independent consultants hired by the city of Eureka. And, the Times-Standard reports, the city’s consultants “largely came to the same conclusions” as CBRE.

So why haven’t the suppositions of the hand-picked tool from CREG’s list been verified or even reviewed? Maybe Glass, Miller, Salzman and Ogden have to pony up more cash if they want a second helping of that shit.

Many thanks from Ken Miller

Dear Miss Manners,

Earlier this month, a group of local politicians voted to expend a significant amount of public funds to save my million-dollar home, which as I write remains neatly perched on a bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean and will likely not, thanks to their efforts, slide into the same.

On Tuesday they will authorize sending a letter of appreciation to the lead agency involved in shoring up the bluff, and it occurred to me that I had not yet thanked the politicians themselves for rushing to assist my neighbors and me in our hour of need.

I should note, however, that these same politicians—rural county supervisors, all of them, really the worst kind of petty bureaucrats—are refusing to support my vision on a variety of other important matters.

In fact, despite my clear opposition, they have proposed making a major highway navigable, and have done nothing to halt improvements that would reduce the number of persons who die on another section of the same road.

As if this weren’t enough, they have on an ongoing basis provided for the filling of potholes in this and other roads, an activity which surely hastens the end of time.

So I write to you in need of a particular kind of thank-you note, one that strikes just the right balance between gratitude and contempt.

The note should reflect my propensity for misrepresentation of basic facts and my own peculiar brand of pseudo-scientific bullshit. It should be divisive, uninformed, apocalyptic and—if I don’t stop myself in time—just plain laugh-out-loud moronic.

Further, it should incorporate words like “boondoggle” and “blunderbuss,” although I clearly don’t know the meaning of either. Hell, I don’t even know what “widening” means, but I sure do want people to think it’s happening all over the place and that we could all fucking die from it.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated, although not nearly enough for me to thank or even acknowledge you, and in fact I will probably behave like a petulant buffoon toward you forever, no matter how much of my expensive real estate you save or sound advice you provide.

So just fuck you and then some,
With thanks,
McKinleyville Mock Doc