Progs propose new venue for Marina Center project review

“Yo, dawg, so check it out. I don’t know if it’s me or whatever, but I just totally wasn’t in love with that Interim Remedial Action Plan, you feel me? I mean, I liked it, yo. You see where I’m at? But I didn’t love it. I tried, but you know it was just kind of okay for me.”

Another starry-eyed

Just one more opportunity for the far left to act like it hasn't been included in the process.

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News and not-news: It’s all very zen

Inclusionary Zoning, a land-use approach that attempts to increase affordable housing by making housing less affordable, was passed today by the Three Stooges on the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors.

Fourth District Supervisor Bonnie Neely led the fight, flanked by the Second District’s Clif Clendenen and the Third District’s Mark Lovelace.

Lovelace explained his vote by pointing to the successful implementation of Inclusionary Zoning in Arcata. Fifth District Supervisor Jill Duffy opposed the motion, noting that Arcata’s housing prices are now the highest in the county.

We would provide the link to the Times-Standard story–if there were a Times-Standard story. But while the county took this momentous turn for the worse, our only daily newspaper posted breaking news stories about Mexican drug law, a dead pop star’s birthday party and sexually active Lutheran clergy.

Thanks, guys! So awesome!! Way to keep your finger on the pulse.

UPDATE: So you’ll notice comments are closed on this post, and many comments have been deleted. We drew the line at the first threatening comment, and deleted everything below that. Because Mirror comments are not necessarily sequential, this resulted in the removal of some content from early today and some up until around 9:15 p.m., when the wheels came off the cart.

It is not cool to make menacing or threatening comments on this blog about anyone, ever. This is not the kind of forum we’re providing.  It’s okay to disagree–we value dissent–but threats are just stupid. The two of you involved in tonight’s incident have been blocked (which we realize reduces our readership by approximately 67%). Comments on this post will not be reopened.

County may trade in Neely in Cash for Clunkers exchange

3CH_Neely_Kohler

The future's so bright, she has to wear elbow-length rubber gloves.

The Humboldt County Board of Supervisors is considering an offer from the federal government that would put cash into county coffers in exchange for the retirement of forty-term supervisor Bonnie Neely.

The proposal is part of Cash for Clunkers, an incentive program designed to get old and inefficient politicians off the road.

Under the terms of the plan, the feds would pay the county $3,500 for the 60-year-old supervisor to retire, if the county replaces her with someone who works 5 percent harder than Neely, and $4,500 if the replacement’s work ethic is a 10 percent improvement.

Fortunately, said Neely, she has set the bar conveniently low.

“For the past year, I’ve done nothing for anyone, spent virtually no time in the office and only grudgingly dragged my ass in for board meetings, where I occupy much of my time texting Patty, Alex and Connie to arrange lunch and movie dates” she said. “Otherwise, I’m at home, working on fundraising, which is going not well at all, and dredging up new and increasingly compromised candidates to run in other districts.”

Other activities include the significant amount of time she spends sucking the left tit of the Blue Lake Rancheria, which is located in Jill Duffy’s Fifth District but in the last election cycle contributed $25,000 to Neely’s Fourth District campaign and $10,000 to Clif Clendenen in the Second District.

When asked if Neely was excited about the Cash for Clunkers proposal, longtime campaign manager and Impropriety Society dominatrix Meghan Vogel said the plan would save Neely the embarrassment of losing in the next election.

“No matter how hard she begs, she can’t get significant campaign cash commitments from anyone, other than the casino,” Vogel said. “If she did have to run again, our only hope would be a new fundraising strategy that would involve rolling Old Town drunks for change.”

Vogel added that at least Old Town is in Neely’s district.

“If that doesn’t work, she’s gone one way or the other,” the campaign manager said. “But it’s not like she hasn’t had other offers. Patty’s been trying for years to get Bonnie to work for her. Patty isn’t getting any younger, you know, and she has such a hard time keeping that big house clean all by herself.”

Dance on with your pants on

Please. Keep your pants on. Please. Your elfin junk tank is freaking us out.

Wait just a minute–Who are those gorgeous dancing partners?

Well I’ll be go to hell. They sure got them some fine looking womens in Ireland.

Humboldt County takes vacation from Mark Lovelace

Humboldt County is taking a much-needed break from Third District Supervisor Mark Lovelace, who is traveling with his family in Ireland.

For three whole weeks, county residents will have a reprieve from Lovelace’s arrogance, his incessant self-promotion and his permanently reserved booster seat at Applebees.

His co-workers reacted quickly to the news.

“Well pinch my squid and call me Charlie,” said one courthouse employee. “Who says dreams don’t come true?”

“Oh thank fuck,” said Fifth District Supervisor Clif Clendenen. “Now I can put on my down vest and go stand by the river with that vacant, slightly creepy look on my face and not worry about the little prick calling at all hours to tell me what to do.”

Lovelace also was clearly enjoying himself.

“This place is great,” he said in an exclusive e-mail exchange with the Humboldt Mirror. “Nice people, beautiful country. I’ve been giving the inhabitants a few pointers about how to live their lives and protect their environment. They’re really interested and receptive. It‘s like all ich bin ein Dubliner and shit, you know?”

“He’s a strange bit of yank, that one,” said Dublin resident Seamus McDinkle. “No one wants to get thick wit’ him, but he stopped talkin’ of his self just the once, and that was t’ ask where Enya lived.”

McDinkle said that if Lovelace could keep his mouth shut for even 50 or 60 seconds, “I think we could shave them arse hairs from his chin and knit them into a wee sweater, which we would then shove clean down his throat t’ cork him.”

Lovelace said he will continue on to Northern Ireland, where he hopes to sit down with Gerry Adams and Bono to take “an unbiased but really very super intelligent not to mention smart and intelligent” outsider’s view of the Good Friday Agreement and its role in stream bank erosion.

“I’m a uniter. I’m a healer,” he said. “I’m like the Verne Troyer of international diplomacy, only without the weird-ass sex tape that went viral on the internet.”

McDinkle added that the next village up the road had prepared for Lovelace’s visit by adapting for him a special version of a classic Irish song. “They’re calling it ‘When Irish Ears Are Bleeding,’” he said.

War of words continues in electoral haiku contest

Second and Third District candidates for the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors showed off their verbal wizardry Thursday at a competitive poetry jam attended by hundreds of potential voters.

But the event, sponsored by the League of Women Poets, wasn’t all fun and games.

The poetry jam raised almost a dollar for the Perpetual Campaign to Continuously Re-elect Bonnie Neely, which was apparently in need of both an envelope and a stamp so that the six-term supervisor could at long last respond to Third District candidate Bryan Plumley’s request for a meeting.

But it was another Third District candidate, Paul Pitino, who walked off with the event’s grand prize for this piece:

“No contributions
And no campaign endorsements
Maybe not so smart”

League President Marsha McBusybody called all of the haiku “powerful,” but said Pitino’s was especially moving.

“Like all great art, Paul’s work was transcendent,” McBusybody said. “In a very few words, we were made to understand the smallness of man, the vastness of his ambition and the vividly distinct possibility that Paul Pitino will mow lawns for a living until the day he dies.”

The other electoral haiku are listed below in alphabetical order by the candidate’s last name.

I love Indians
Local Solutions bought me
Blue Lake paid the bill

-Clif Clendenen, Second District

 

Unemployed DJ
Seventy thousand a year
Buys a lot of weed

-Estelle Fennell, Second District

 

Need a real job
Plan B is running Palco
I’d suck at that too

-Mark Lovelace, Third District

 

What sets me apart?
A Democrat with a job
Rare in Arcata

-Bryan Plumley, Third District

 

Hey you two-bit whores
Want to talk about apples?
Mine are fucking huge

-Roger Rodoni, Second District

Fifth District Indian casino kicks down major wampum to Clendenen’s Second District campaign

The Blue Lake Casino, patron rancheria of Bonnie Neely’s most recent re-election campaign, gave a sack full of bingo money to Clif Clendenen, the candidate Neely chose to replace her Board of Supervisors sparring partner Second District incumbent Roger Rodoni.

In a news release issued the day before the most recent round of campaign contributions was made public, Clendenen praised “the generosity expressed by the people of the district,” while carefully omitting the fact that the district in question wasn’t his.

The Blue Lake Casino, located in Supervisor Jill Geist’s Fifth District, accounted for $10,000 of the $13,683 Clendenen raised in the three-and-a-half month period ending March 17.

The Eureka Reporter notes that of that amount, Clendenen paid $800 to Neely’s longtime campaign manager Meghan Vogel, whom Neely ham-handedly dispatched to Fortuna late last year in an attempt to unseat Rodoni.

In 2006, the casino gave Third District Supervisor Neely $25,000 in her slim victory over former Eureka Mayor and current Rio Dell City Manager Nancy Flemming.

In the most recent contribution cycle, Clendenen was able to squeeze cash out of only 10 additional contributors, at least a few of whom appear to actually reside within his district.